The More I Read

The more I read, the less I believe I can ever be a writer.  What happened to my imagination?  My originality?  The arsenal of words I had to change the world?  Have they leaked out over time?  Did I lose them the way I lost my sanity so many times, piece by peace.  Did I drink them away, like my brain cells?  

Maybe, I’m having a mid-life crisis.  But, I’m pretty sure I already did.  In my thirties.  Which gives me a little over ten years left to live.  You would think that would spur me toward new horizons, or at least old comforts, knowing I have a decade or less to enjoy air flowing through my lungs.  The vibration of my beating heart.

But I’ve been fighting the quicksand of depression for over a year now.  Ever since I left my last full time job.  And I’ve tried to stop sinking so many times.  The longest reprieve has been four or five days.  Not enough to get my life back on track.

And now I’m here watching death claim a life.  Minute over hour over day over week.  But it’s not new, just harder to watch.  I’ve been watching death claim me my entire life, save the years I delighted in my young children so much I stopped watching, and enjoyed my life.

Maybe I can get back to that.  I just have to bash this depression over the head with joy, right?

(I know, I probably just need to see a therapist).

Lime Jello

 It's a strange thing.  I was reading yesterday and the protagonist in the book was going through a tough time and went to a bar for jello shots, they were green. (Amusingly, I am also going through a tough time and I was at a bar reading.  No jello shots though.  I was drinking my usual neat bourbon.)  Then I'm reading today, in Ray Bradbury's "Dandelion Wine", and there's a lime jello reference.

Although my mother did occasionally make us jello as a treat in my youth (she would make anything that was instant or three ingredients or less), it's not even close to a comfort food for me.  It just struck me as such a weird coincidence that there were two green jello references in as many days.

Anyway it's a far more pleasant thing to write about than just about anything else going on in my life these days.  If there's a third, disparate reference to green jello within the next 24 hours, however, I am going to go buy some green jello and make it.  Just because.  Whether I eat it, that's immaterial.  Perhaps I'll make shots.

Day One Hundred Twenty-Six: 05/06/2009

 05/06/2009

    How long has she been running from the same thing?  It feels as if forever and inevitable are the same thing sometimes.  Certainly it has been forever she has been running from the inevitable and it seems as though inevitable runs faster than forever which makes a lot of sense because, after all, forever has forever to run and inevitable has only so long.  But anyway, there has been progress made in the past few months wherein she has allowed herself moments to stand still by and through the inevitable, which we already established is faster than forever, and has apparently caught up.

In Between

 In between 

Here and there

Is Now

Or is Now

Between 

Past and Present

Is the past

Between

Here and there?

Is the present

Here and now?

This Morning

 Two thoughts, before my mind gets bogged down with the weight of work and life:

1.  My job fits like a coat that is too small for me.  There isn't room for my growth.  I have worn it in though, it feels comfortable in a world that changes so much.  I have never liked having to get new shoes or new coats.  It still provides a sense of security and a certain amount of warmth.  But, alas, it is too small.  I have already outgrown it, I am just afraid to choose a new coat.  It's a big decision, what if I decide on the wrong one.  What if I lose my coat altogether?  What's the solution there?  Just move somewhere warm where I won't need a coat?

2.  I think I've been alone too long to fit in anyone's life but my own.  And I'm good with that. 

Suffering

I believe that life has a purpose, and as such, all things in life have a purpose.  Therefore, there is a purpose for the suffering that we encounter in our lives.  There are schools of thought which say that suffering is the point of life.  I do not believe this.  I believe that, largely, people choose to suffer.  This is not meant in a bad way.  I often choose to suffer so that others will not suffer.  In my last relationship, I chose to suffer so that the one I loved would not suffer.  It seemed that what I had to endure to remain in that relationship was worth the happiness and contentment I brought to the man I loved.  It seemed that the suffering his wife, family and friends would endure in the short term would be balanced by the beauty and strength of the love we were growing and would give back to them all in the long term.  I was very wrong.  For this misjudgment I endured great personal suffering.  Honestly, it was the greatest I have ever known.  But that experience created something truly amazing and a pathway which could only lead me to an end to my personal suffering through spiritual enlightenment.

Of course I am not saying that I have attained enlightenment.  I would never say that.  But I will say that where I am now is an incredibly light and beautiful place.  I have lived the rest of my life in comparative darkness.  I will say that I see the purpose in all of the pain and all of the suffering I endured and I see now where I caused others to suffer when I should not have.  I am truly and deeply sorry, and always will be, for the suffering I have caused.

Sometimes we suffer so that others will not suffer, but the choice doesn't seem to be ours.  Now the father of my baby is suffering, and I know this without having spoken to him in months.  But he suffers so that his wife will suffer less, so that I will not suffer and so that his baby will not suffer.  I see this and I am thankful.  His thoughts toward me have turned dark and ugly, but I am undaunted by this.  He could be making our lives miserable by continuing to repeatedly and forcefully knock me out of balance but whether it is hatred or understanding, he has ceased to do this and I am so grateful.  Perhaps someday his perspective will change and the hate will be replaced with understanding.  I am hopeful this day will come to pass but not attached to the idea being realized for any purpose other than that I don't want him to suffer so much.

Having had the time and space to practice balance and become more and more grounded in my new found spirituality I will be ready sooner to take a more active role in alleviating some of the suffering he is experiencing.  I am hopeful that he will be ready as well.  It is not my choice to cause others pain, but I will not sacrifice a major heartache for a minor one.

Thoughts

My thoughts wanted to flow
Like poetry
But the constraint
Of the images
Stifled the thoughts
And so I will just air them
Free and clear
To take whatever form they please

The past is unchangeable
The future, unpredictable
It is only the present
This present
That we can change
Own
Devote
Create
Establish
Fix
Build


This moment
I am present
I am loving
I am forgiving
I am understanding
I am righteous
And for each and every moment
I remain so
My past
Becomes more beautiful
My future
Becomes more hopeful
And my present
Remains a present
I share with all I love
And I strive
To love
All