Dear Box,

Thank you.  I am grateful for how you've sheltered me all these years.  I needed your protection, I was fragile, I needed to heal.  I felt so safe inside of you.  Warm.  As I grew, you stayed the same. I found myself shrinking, to fit inside of you.  To stay safe.  Warm.

But safety became a delusion.  Because I had outgrown you.  So I lived in denial, kept shrinking to fit.  During my various growth spurts, I would stand-up, look around.  I started to venture out, from time to time.  Run, dance...play.  Pain would come, I would retreat to you.  Shrink myself as best I could.  Hide.

The word I chose this year is "Open".  My first step, dear box, is to not just venture outside, but to leave you behind entirely.  I know there's another little girl, who needs your protection, during a vulnerable time.  Hopefully she will be insightful enough to leave you behind as soon as she outgrows you, instead of continuing to hang on, as I have.  Far, far too long.

And so, today, I write to tell you I'm leaving you.  I'm moving on.  I'm done shrinking to fit, denying myself the opportunity to stand in my pain and grow stronger in my own right.  The pain will come, and I will no longer retreat.  I will not seek shelter or safety.  I will experience the pain and grow stronger.  Perhaps I will need to reach out, but no longer will I run and hide.

I am Open.

I am Love.

I am Resilience.

I am Mee.

Finally.  

Dear Sleepless Night,

I know
It's not really that late yet
But I feel you
As though the clock reads
5:00 a.m.
And it's time to wake-up
Because I feel
As though there's no escape
From this place
I exist
In this moment
Until the new day
Breaks

So
Here's the thing
My mind
Is racing
The truth
Of my heart
Eludes me
And my body
My body
Just asks forgiveness
For what it feels

Here inside my arms
I hold this little girl
And she questions me
And my decisions
Because I question
Her
And hers
And all I can do
Is hold her
And say
It will all be okay
And struggle
To believe it
In a way
That makes a difference
To us both

Certainly
There is light inside
Or I wouldn't ever
Escape
The darkness

But the darkness
My shadow
My comfortable cloak
My cherished companion
At times I call you master
And at times
I call you friend
Then I betray you
Curse you
And call for that light
Inside
To chase you away

Tonight
I will just hold your hand
And remember
My dark places
And watch
The way you change
When I shine the light on you
And question
Your existence
In the current context
Of my life

It's not
That I want us to lose touch
Entirely
I acknowledge
And embrace
The humanness
Of it all

It's just that,
Darkness,
Fear lurks
In your shadows
And I'm so tired
Of being afraid
Of everything
All
The
Time

So tonight
Tonight
I think I'm going
To do
Some letting go
Maybe even
In time
To get a little sleep

Love,
Mee

P.S.  I never realized Darkness weighed so much.  I feel lighter already.

Dear Sleep,

You are evading me tonight.  I don't know why, what have I done to you?  Is this punishment for all those nights I chose to leave you in someone else's arms.  I'm sorry, I was young.  I didn't understand how important you would become in my life.  I'm sorry for taking you for granted for so many years.

Please, will you come back to me?  Tonight perhaps?  Just for a little while?