Showing posts with label 2022 Daily Blog Project. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2022 Daily Blog Project. Show all posts

Sunday, August 7, 2022

I'm Tired

I'm tired of getting lost
In the past
Every time
I try to examine it

I'm tired of being afraid
That what I've been through
Is going to come back
And haunt me forever

I'm tried of forgetting...
That defense mechanism
I have enacted
Which has morphed
Into a way of disassociating
Even
When I am not in danger

I'm tired of starting things
And never finishing

I'm tired of losing friends
And lovers
And family
Not due to natural causes
But due to my inability
To connect
And communicate
In a meaningful way

I'm tired of drowning loneliness
In alcohol
And bad behavior

I'm tired of floating
Mindless and distracted
Through my life

My last blog post 
Was April 30. 
So I've almost abandoned
My daily blog project
Longer 
Than I stuck with it.

I'm going to start back.
And see if I can't catch up.
I know that it was difficult
And a lot to process
But it was helping

That retrospective
Was helping me
In ways I could
And couldn't see

So now
That I've inadvertently
Cleared my social calendar
I'm going back
And let's see
Where it leads me

Saturday, May 7, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty-Seven: 05/07/2002

 7 May 2002

I was driving a bus knowing my driver's license was suspended but the company didn't check and gave me the job anyway.  Every day I'd go speeding around this cure, always knowing I should slow down but going faster every time.  Finally one day I lost control of the bus and it flipped down into the water.  I was thrown before it hit and ended-up at the police station.  I was sure I was going to be incarcerate.  Two friends had driven me there (Alena and someone) and Randy was there too.  Oh...I'm too lazy to record the rest of this...I ended-up on crutches at a shopping center witnessing a bank robbery and then getting chased with two black women by a maniacal white man who threatened to beat, rape and then kill us.

Friday, May 6, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty-Six: 05/06/2009

 05/06/2009

    How long has she been running from the same thing?  It feels as if forever and inevitable are the same thing sometimes.  Certainly it has been forever she has been running from the inevitable and it seems as though inevitable runs faster than forever which makes a lot of sense because, after all, forever has forever to run and inevitable has only so long.  But anyway, there has been progress made in the past few months wherein she has allowed herself moments to stand still by and through the inevitable, which we already established is faster than forever, and has apparently caught up.

Thursday, May 5, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty-Five: 05/05/2012 and 05/05/2018

 Okay, so I found two entries from today and I like them both so I am posting them both.  First is my letter to Nex from the day after he was born.  Second is a poem I wrote with Marx.  I think maybe that was when we were visiting the Poconos or somewhere like that but I could be wrong.  The poem was of the form where I wrote two lines, then covered the first line and he wrote two lines based off of my second line.  Then he covered up to his first line, and I wrote the next two lines based off of his line, and so on and so forth.  His lines are the ones in italics.

05/05/2012
6:41 am

Nexen,

I am listening to you breathe as I write this.  You are a little over 10 hours old.  You are perfect.  Everything feels fine now that you are here.  I feel oddly emotionally grounded (at the moment!).  I told your father he could see you today.  I've had no reply yet but I imagine he will come see you.

    You were so strong and brave yesterday!  You are very calm and well adjusted, all things considered.  I can't even believe I'm getting the chance to write you already!

    I love you my baby water dragon.

                                                                                                                    Mama


05/05/2018

In the autumnal sunshine
I picked a tree
A symbol for myself
Inspiration for what I want to be
Calls to me
From the wilderness
Approaches a hunter
Seeking sustenance
My soul grows toward the sun
And my body
Remains unexplored
But the price is costly
So the decision is a struggle
And the answer
Festers within me
Spreading like cancer
Or the wings of a full grown dragon
The eternal question remains
How do I survive 
And what will I maintain
When the truth
Is at the bottom of the bottle
At the top of a mountain
Or the end of a throttle




Wednesday, May 4, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty-Four: 05/04/2021

 05/04/2021
9:25 p.m.

Nexen's birthday, so it was a wonderful day  by default.  Still now, for the first time today, I think of the glorious storm the night Nexen was born.  My water dragon.  Ab and Sami really believed Nexen could make it rain for a little while.  What a joyous and triumphant day it was.  At one point in labor, I remember feeling so desperately alone without his father there.  And then I looked around at the beautiful, strong, loving women in the room, plus my kids, and I let it all fill me.  And the strength of all the birthing mothers throughout history.  And I opened up myself and my future to a whole human.  Which was what I had done to get myself to that night in the first place.  I am so thankful I have been so blessed since then, to not have my heart's desire dictate my future. 

Work was horrible today.  Don't feel like expounding upon it.  I may be fired soon.  So it goes.

...

Anyway, we'll see how work goes tomorrow.  All I can do is my best, and whether they see it or not, I have been.

Tuesday, May 3, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty-Three: 05/03/2012

   This actually cracks me up because I mention how I had acuptuncture and the acupuncturist actually did some points which were contraindicated in pregnancy that day.  But she said I was so far along it wouldn't matter.  And then I went into labor less than 24 hours later.  I was planning on being pregnant for at least another week.  😂

05/03/2012

    Well I had acupuncture today and I feel much better than I did last week.  Or last entry anyway.  If I can get a lot done over the weekend I'll probably keep working next week.

    Yesterday was Ab's parent teacher conference.  He is not doing well in school.  It was a mess with Ab crying and Randall yelling...I started crying then after the conference he was yelling at Abacus onthe street and then we were fighting...just a big fucking mess.

    Then this morning He sends three emails which at the time upset me but now I feel are good.  Makes me positive I've made the right decision in protecting the baby and myself from Him.

    What I say hurts him because it is true.  What he says does not hurt me because it is bullshit.  I am happy with the progress I have made emotionally and spiritually and I'm so happy with my body for being so fantastic.  In all the pain there has been so much beauty.  I guess that's why He is so angry.  He wanted to be a part of the beauty.  I suppose I would be mad too.  I'd like to think I'd be more understanding though.

Monday, May 2, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty-Two: 05/02/2012

 So, there may be a bunch of Nexen posts coming-up, seeing as how his birthday is Star Wars Day.  We shall see.

05/02/2012
11:23 p.m.

My darling baby,

    It will not be long before I am listening to you breathe as I write, the way I am listening to your sister breathe now.  It is an exciting time but I have a lot left to do.  I hope you will continue to be patient with me.

    I hope to close my eyes soon and fall asleep.  I hope you will come to me in your dreams and whisper your name.

    I hope you will understand and forgive any mistakes I make in navigating through the mess that is our immediate future.  Through everything, the most and the least I can do is love you.  It is all I will do.

Sunday, May 1, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty-One: 05/01/2015

Well, I am back after a 3+ month hiatus.  Luckily I can back date these posts.  There is only one entry for May 1st, I hope it doesn't suck.

05/01/2015
3:57 pm

    So I know I am in serious trouble here based on the frequency of my entries.  This is Nexen's birthday weekend.  I was supposed to have the kids but Randall switched with me.  I have agreed to T joining in on Nexen's birthday trip to the beach, which means Ab and Sami can't come.  I feel a little guilty, but if he doesn't take them, it'll be three weekends in a row with me.


Okay, well it wasn't a very exciting entry but it is the only one I have.  Which is crazy in and of itself.  Interestingly, I have not really been journaling much this year.  I definitely need to get back on that.  It's possible I did more before I stopped working on this blog project, but you know, I can't really remember that far back.

Saturday, April 30, 2022

Day One Hundred Twenty: 04/30/2012

 04/30/2012

    I have made small progress in my preparations but nothing major.  I may have to stop working and stay home to prepare.  If I can just make it through this weekend I'll do just that.

9:45ish

    I'm waiting on the subway now.  This is going to be my last week of work.  I don't have the energy for the commute anymore.

    I am feeling sad.  I will make an acupuncture appointment for tomorrow I think.  I cried yesterday during acupuncture.  These hormones are brutal.

Friday, April 29, 2022

Day One Hundred Nineteen: 04/29/2016

 04/29/2016
5:45 p.m.

Waiting at ballet with Nexen.  Frank wanted me to meet him out but I'm too tired to schlep Nex out to Norther Liberties to meet-up with him tonight.  Poor Frank.  Things are really rough these days for him.

Last night I babysat for Susan's girls.  Apparently Emme woke-up asking for me.  😊  So cute.

Marx texted me today.  Apparently it is National Zipper Day.  He's making an effort.  I can appreciate that.

I'm now talking to several bagels.  It's keeping me entertained enough, doubtful it will equal a love connection though.

Sami finished class early tonight because her back is sore.  Now we're at Powelton waiting for some food.  So we should get home early tonight.  That's good.

Hi I'm writing in my mom's diary. I got buffalo chicken ranch pizza and it's really, HOT!!  Nexen, as always is watching You Tube Ryan's Toy Review.  Now the cheese fries are here.

Yum!  Cheese fries!  I shouldn't be eating this junk but it tastes sooo yummy!  I think someone should make grilled cheese fries.  Now THAT would be yummy!

I guess I should mention how disappointed I am with Sami's scholastic progress.  If she doesn't get her grades up this last quarter of 5th grade she is going to limit herself when it comes to choosing a high school and I am going to have to restrict dance next year.

I think we should work on some family goal setting.  My top 5 goals for next month are:

1.  Find a new job        *Work-out & run!
2.  Clean the house
3.  Make a budget
4.  One on one quality time w/kids
5.  Develop relationship w/inner child

Sami's Goals

1.  Get straight A's or No C's
2.  Read every single night  *Stay Focused
3.  Study every single night
4.  Always respect my family
5.  Smile more (because people said I stopped smiling??)

Nexen's Goals

1.  Play
2.  Love
3.  Don't say potty words
4.  Don't bang my head when angry
5.  Love my family

Thursday, April 28, 2022

Day One Hundred Eighteen: 04/28/2009

 04/08/2009

I give you
The best in me
Hoping you'll
Invest in
The rest of me
I want to 
Digest the recipe
I want to 
Stand on the praecipe
And nothing
Is a test with me
Yet somehow
I feel like
I've been playing
A game
Am I being 
Measured
And evaluated
And tested
And prodded

Wednesday, April 27, 2022

Day One Hundred Seventeen: 04/27/2021

 04/27/2021
8:41 a.m.

   This morning's thoughts center upon the idea that the depths of an indiviual's inner realm are equal to the expanse of our outer realm.  The universe inside of us lives in symmetry with the universe outside of us.  When we pull on the thread of sadness we may find there is no end to that thred.  We may feel in those moments, focusing on that thread, futility in continuing on since we hold within us neverending sadness.  But a moment or a miracle brings to our attention the thread of happiness.  And focusing here we may see the happiness, too, is unending.  And when we discover we can weave the threads together in the tapestry of our life, it is then we are ready to work on our masterpiece.  The thread of the past and the thread of the future - equally infinite, woven together to create the present. 

    It would seem I need to learn how to weave.

                                                                                                                       ðŸ’—Mee

Tuesday, April 26, 2022

Day One Hundred Sixteen: 04/26/2021

 04/26/2021
9:21 p.m.

    "Imagine the chances of your existing at all.  Why not do something great with your life?"

        Today was a rough day.  I am feeling some sort of unease I can't quite recognize.  Here's hoping tomorrow will be better.

Monday, April 25, 2022

Day One Hundred Fifteen: 04/25/2021

04/25/2021
11:09 p.m.

Having found the edge of happiness I try to sink into it.  I try to pull it over me, to wrap myself in it.  But it pulls away from me as if to say no, you're not ready yet.  So many things pull me away from it.  I do not wish to covet it, or take it away from anyone else.  I merely wish to believe I am deserving of the small pieces of it which come my way.  And that any I manifest - that I can rejoice in brining it forth and setting it off into the world for others to share.  For what is happiness that is not shared?  Just loneliness.

                                                                                                                💗 Mee.

Sunday, April 24, 2022

Day One Hundred Fourteen: 04/24/2012

 04/24/2012
6:52 a.m.

        One hour until my 2nd home visit so this will be short because I have cleaning left to do and then I want to grab a shower.

        I am happy!  I am excited!  Baby will be here soon.  As long as I have a few more weeks, I will be ready.

                                                                                                                Yay!

Saturday, April 23, 2022

Day One Hundred Thirteen: 04/23/2012

 April 23, 2012
9:45 a.m.

My baby boy,

    You just woke-up,  It's Monday but last night you had your first trip to the emergency room.  You and Samurai were playing and you ran down the stairs and tripped and hit your head.  You got a good-sized laceration which needed four staples.

    You did amazing!  Samurai was so scared and I know you were too, it was the first time either of you had seen so much blood.

    We went to IHOP after even though it was really late.  I guess we all had adrenaline really pumping through our systems still.

    Anyway, time to get ready for school!

                                                                                                        Love,
                                                                                                        Mama

Friday, April 22, 2022

Day One Hundred Twelve: 04/22/2015

 04/22/2105
7:40 p.m.

    So last night was super scary but ultimately pretty nice.  I was able to verbalize everything I needed to.  He was very tolerant when I got scared and started crying.  He said he loves me.  I said he doesn't, which wasn't very nice of me, so I took it back.

    Work is a lot crazy.  Jackie got the legal assistant position James, Aaron and Amanda emailed about.  Frank wants to make me office manager.  It's a frightening prospect but I agreed to try.


Thursday, April 21, 2022

Day One Hundred Eleven: 04/21/1995

 04/21/1995

    When I die it is my wish that in my passing there shall not be pain in any of the hearts of those I love.  The only thing I ever wanted out of life was to bring happiness to the lives of others.  If I accomplished this in any way then my life is complete.  And with the ending of it I do not want the happiness to cease.  I want there to be joy in memory, not tears.  The one thing that hurt me most was for me to bring pain or sadness upon those that I love.  When I was sick I did everything I could so as not to convey the actual pain and suffering I was enduring, so as not to make anyone feel bad for me.  This is not what I wanted then, nor what I want now.  Just remember me, cherish the memory, and keep love and hope and happiness in your hearts always.


Wednesday, April 20, 2022

Day One Hundred Ten: Undated Sketchbook Story from 2011

     In the natural world, there is a division between organisms which are mobile and those which are immobile.  Going further, it is generally understood that land masses and bodies of water are immobile.  This would make the following story impossible, versus merely improbable.  However, within the human mind, there is nothing which is truly impossible.

    Back in a time when land masses and bodies of water were yet unnamed, and all creatures were free to roam as they pleased (within the confines of the natural order) there was a mountain, who can only be described as majestic.  He stood taller and more grand than any other mountain and everyone and everything looked up to him, quite literally.

    At this time in the world, everything was motile, even a mountain.  It was not a simple thing, however, for a mountain to move.  It took great strength and will, and a lot of time.  So our most majestic mountain, always curiouss, was surveying the world around him.  One day he noticed a particularly sparkly lake.  eing the tallest in the world, he had a great vantage point.  But even so, he felt compelled to take a closer look.  What could be making this lake so extraordinarily shiny?  He had to know.

    The lake was aware she drew the attention of many creatures.  It was a bittersweet situation for her because so many creatures, over the years, had drowned or nearly drowned in her.  She didn't really understand why these creatures would jump in with such wreckless abandon, not even knowing if they could swim.  Her best friends were the trees, and over time they tried to protect her form this sadness by hiding her in their shade.  And as they grew taller, less and less creatures were killed in this manner.  But still, the lake was sad.

    The mountain watched the lake with great interest as he made his approach.  The trees began to whisper to her and she began to notice he was growing larger in her day by day, his reflection, that is.  

    Then one day, the mountain began to speak to her.  She had never heard a voice such as his, nor had she felt a presence so strong and grounded.  She knew the mountain was moving toward her and she consulted with the trees.  In the end, the lake asked the trees to step aside, and she began to move toward the mountain.

    The thing about a moving mountain, is that it causes a lot of destruction as it moves.  This is why they normally do not move.  But this mountain was so ocmpelled it not only moved, it moved with surprising speed.  You know, for a mountain.

    The lake snesed and felt this destruction and became unsure.  She wanted nothing more than to continue to move toward the mountain so that one day he could know the depth of her waters, for she knew he would not drown.  But, over time, so many people had been hurt by her, directly or indirectly, she didn't know if she could bear any more pain like this.

    But the mountain, the mountain knew only of looking fowrard and not of looking back.  That's not to say he didn't care about the destruction, but he had such a different vantage point than the lake.  He could see so many things that she could not, and he would share these visions with her, and she thirsted for more of of this knowledge.  She knew she would forever after reflect the image of the mountain in her waters, and she hoped that someday he could come to swim in them.

    

    

Tuesday, April 19, 2022

Day One Hundred Nine: 04/19/2021

 04/19/2021

"Think about who you are really doing this for."

I am doing this for myself and everyone who finds themselves in my presence.  I am doing this for my children.  I am doing this for my future life partner.