Day One Hundred Twelve: 04/22/2015

 04/22/2105

7:40 p.m.

    So last night was super scary but ultimately pretty nice.  I was able to verbalize everything I needed to.  He was very tolerant when I got scared and started crying.  He said he loves me.  I said he doesn't, which wasn't very nice of me, so I took it back.

    Work is a lot crazy.  Jackie got the legal assistant position James, Aaron and Amanda emailed about.  Frank wants to make me office manager.  It's a frightening prospect but I agreed to try.

Day Sixty-Six: 03/07/2015

 03/17/2015

9:27 am

    Waiting for Samurai at the orthodontist and then off to ballet.  Boys are home together.  It was only 14 degrees outside so I didn't want to bring Nexen out (plus he was sleeping).

    I had to take a giant step back with T because I think we inadvertently jumped into really deep water and the last thing I want is for us to drown so soon.  That being said, I owe him an email from that night so I'll go do that.

                                                                                                                            Mee

Day Sixty-Five: 03/06/2015

I think what's bothering me about these entries is that the beginning of March seems to be when I start giving up on my introspective phase and trying to reinsert myself into the world.  Other than the years with the tumultuous relationship garbage, the theme of March appears to be dating and new relationships.  Go figure.

03/06/2015

3:08 p.m.

    Today I'm home for snow closing.  Getting some cleaning done.  Still talking to T on email though I cooled it down for both our sakes.  He sent me a video of his puppy playing in the snow.  It was so cute.

                                                                                                                                Mee

I can't stop

My head
Is filled
With love

My heart
Is filled
With hope

My body
Is full
Of the feelings
Elicited
By your words

Did you know
I respond
Autonomically
To the sight
Of your name
(chat window)
To the sound
Of your voice
(even if it's only
in my mind)
To the memory
Of the feeling
Of your breath
On my neck

So many things
Bring me back
To you
And all this time
I've spent
Running away
I've grown tired
So tired
That I just
Want to curl-up
Beside you
Call that place
Home
And stay there

(T)his Morning

This morning
Is gray
The air
Is chilled
But not
To discomfort
My steps
Are quiet
Unimposing
My thoughts
Gentle
Like mist

I like
Their weight
This morning
Closer
To buoyant
Than I
Can really
Remember
Them being
Lately
(Except
That weekend)
I digress....

The shadows
Are missing
Because
The sunlight
Is not here
To play

My heart
Is light
Because
I realized
I am only
Positioned
To win
No matter what

Unless
Of course
Love
Is a spider
Once again
Spinning
Its web of lies
Around my heart

But
If that
Were
Truly
The case
Would I
Feel
So light?
So free?

I think not
For I do
Remember
The weight
Of the lies
The clouds
Of torment
In his eyes
From time
To time

It's sad
(I know)
That when
I write
Of love
He
Invades
Like
A disease
And steals
My beautiful thoughts
Coloring them
The shade of fear

But
This
Is a process
This
Learning
To love
Anew

Demolishing
The (reinforced) fortress
Protecting
Mee

Trusting
The future
To be
Anything
It wants
To be

My catharsis
Cleared
The melancholy
Anchored
The joy
Of knowing you
Deep
Into Mee

And
On this
Gloomy morning
The light
Shines
From inside
The light
Named
T

(T)oday: One Thing

So I was instructed today, to do one thing for myself today.

I actually did two, but I'm only going to talk about one.

Hint:

"They say it's the last song
They don't know us, you see
It's only the last song
If we let it be"

(T)onight

And I'm terrified
You know
Because
You can't
Possibly
Be real.

Our story
Was supposed
To end.

But the music
It kept playing
In my head
And then
The words

The words
Stirred me
And I woke-up
To the possibility
That maybe

Maybe
You really did
Hold my hand
When I was asleep

And maybe
Just maybe
I really did
Hold on tight

And...
Conceivably
It's worth
Taking the chance
That you write
From your heart
The way I do

And not
From your ego
Like he did

Because your heart
Can't throw around
A phrase
Like "I love you"
But your ego,
Your ego
Definitely
Can

Because of you

(Him)

Because of you

Each time

I heard the word

"Love"

I felt pain

Sadness

Emptiness

Loneliness

Betrayal

Because of you

Each time

I thought

Perhaps

I could love again

The fear

The memory

The heartbreak

Flooded my brain

Drowned my desire

Loving you

Nearly killed me

And the aftertaste

Causes me to cringe

Even now

(DS)

Because of you

My bare skin

Tasted the salty

Frigid waves

Of the ocean

In October

Because of you

I will always

Have a Seoulmate

And confidante

A puddle jumping 

Wave leaping

Partner through life

I will always

Look forward

To the opportunities

To pause reality

And kick it with you

(M)

Because of you

I began to trust

At a time

When all I knew

Was how to run

Because of you

I found

My inner "no"

Which 

Heretofore

Had eluded me

I will always

Be thankful

For our time together

(T)

Because of you

...

(I am speechless)

T

I wish
I could swallow my pain
Digest it
Excrete it
And be ready
For you
With an open heart
But the heart
Is not like
The digestive tract
And mine
Is so fucking broken

It hurts so much
To try and love you
Half the time
I feel
Like I'm dying

It's so unfair
I know
And really
All I wanted
Was to write
A love
Poem
For you

Something pretty
Something kind
But that
Is no longer
The reality
Of my mind

I was demolished
Crushed
Broken down
Torn apart
Thoroughly smashed

And now...

Now...

To try again
To write things
Of which I've written
In the past
And choked upon
In the aftermath

I don't even know how to start
The words
"I love you"
Weigh a thousand pounds
I know I'm strong
But that kind of weight
Is a little ridiculous
Even for me
The queen of ridiculousness

So
Here upon this page
Soul desecrated
Reborn in rage
Burst into flames
Settled to ash
Now to love again
Is so much to ask

I tell you only this

Each day when I wake up
I think of you
And my whole body smiles

Can that be enough?
For now?

Things I can't say

There are things I can’t say

Or maybe

Won’t

But I can make you feel it

Can’t I?

If I could bend time

Extract the pain from my heart

I’d meet you

With no reservations

And then

(Probably)

I could answer all your questions

Tell you all

You want to know

But my superpowers

Are too limited

Time

Too relative

And my heart

My poor heart

Is still tender

To the touch

I can feel it

Getting stronger

And my mind

Getting weaker

And my body

Well

My body’s a lost cause

At this point

I don’t know

Where the right place is

But I do know

We’re going the right way

Wandering

My mind
I find
Wandering
Often enough

I know
Where to find it
And how
To bring it back

Especially now
Especially.
Now.

Lately
My mind
Has been
Visiting
The same space

Again and
Again.

I dare not
Reveal
My secrets

Yet,
What have I
Kept
From you?

Nothing.

Well,
I suppose
There are pieces
of Mee
I'm saving
But they're not
Secrets
Per se

It's hard
For me
To think
About
(You)

But,

It's easy
For me
To feel

How unsightly
To allow
My feelings
To ooze out
All over
This page

I really should
Clean-up
This mess

But then
You haven't minded
My mess
So far

4:46 a.m.

Body:  Hey, brain, can you stop now?  I'm really tired and it would be nice to get some sleep.

Brain:  I'm sorry.  I can't seem to stop.  I blame it on Heart.  I have to be vigilant.  I feel as though if I let my guard down for a single moment, Heart will take over and we know what happens then.

Heart:  Would it really be so bad?  It's been so long since I've felt anything but pain.  We have a chance here, he seems so...

Brain:  STOP IT!  Right now.  Just stop it.  HE'S MARRIED.  Just like the other one.  He knows how to reach you, Heart, through his words, JUST LIKE THE OTHER ONE.  You can't put us through this again.  I will not let you.



Heart:  But Brain, maybe he's different.  Doesn't he deserve a chance?  I'm lonely Brain, I want to be open again.  I want someone to know me.



Body:  Well, as long as we're playing this game...



Brain:  Okay, I concede, we definitely need sleep!  I'll leave you two alone now.  

Body:  Thanks so much, it's time to wake-up now and second alarm goes off in 50 minutes.  Jerk.

Brain:  Well you two are conspiring against me, once again.  I will NOT allow us to fall victim to another man of false intention.  Time will tell, you two just have to be patient, okay?  

Guys?

Hello...

Pockets of Time

I find
Pockets of time
Used to be
I'd steal them
For me
But now
I think
Of you
And these
Pockets of mine
Suddenly
Feel full
And light
As the days
Are filling
With bright
And now
I only
Have to fight
Myself
To give us
A chance
To be right
Even
If only
For one night