Letting Go

"Complications of the Heart"

I started this drawing what feels like lifetimes ago.  It was possibly even a blog ago, but I'm too lazy to go back and look (besides, I'm really supposed to be working).  I think I mentioned back then I never wanted this drawing to be finished.  I started it at such a happy time in my life.  I was in love with the man of my dreams, at a time when I dared not dream.  Against all odds I fell, hard and fast.  Too hard and too fast for my tortured self to handle.  Over the days and weeks and months I spent working on this piece there was fight after fight after fight.  Each one feeling worse than the last.  And this went on for six months after we officially broke-up.

After the last fight I wanted to tear this drawing apart.  Just rip it to shreds the way I felt my heart had been handled.  I am so glad that I didn't.  I am more resilient, my heart is more resilient.  It felt like dying because a part of me which had been so alive, so in love, did exactly that.  But I am so much more than the part that died.  Not only that, but my love, the love I have for him, that can't ever die.  I will hold it and cherish it for the rest of my days, for all the beauty and realization, creativity and inspiration, growth and maturation it brought to my life.  Through him and the love he once shared with me I made great strides in becoming the woman I've always wanted to be.

And so, as may be quite obvious to followers of this blog, it has been difficult for me to let go.  But here, finally, in declaring this drawing finished, in completing the most difficult marathon I've yet to run, in taking action instead of waiting and reacting, in accepting all that's come to pass along with the unknowns of the future, I'm letting go.

It's still an uphill battle for me but if I've learned anything in my lifetime, it's that things are always going to get harder.  And I will always rise to the challenge.  Because that's just the kind of woman I am.

Sentimental Moments

Hello February 8, 2010.  I am reminded suddenly, of the passage of time.  And how I've been spending my days lately...why these are moments upon moments, days upon days I can never get back.  Yet even now, as I sit chastizing myself for my lack of strength and determination and inability to move on and enjoy these precious days which are so fleeting, tears fall and my heart is wounded and bleeding and as fervently as I want to change anything and everything to make it different, to at least feel different, there's nothing I can do but wait for the passage of time.

Because everyone has told me to let time pass.  I will feel better, just let time pass.  But I don't want to let time pass.  I'm wasting away...these days, these days are not fulfilling.  These days of me running, hiding, dodging yet still succumbing, in the end, to this weight on my shoulders called love which was once so light...but when his love died all the lightness left and it's such a burden to carry now.  At the end of the day I lay down, exhausted and out of breath, wondering how much longer this will continue. 

Every time I try to drop it, to leave it behind, to even think to give it to someone else...I see his face, I see his smile in my mind's eye and I feel the strength that this love once gave me and I think, let me just carry it a little longer.  Let me take it with me a little further.  I'm not ready to put it down yet, I just can't bring myself to leave it all behind.  And I guess my question is, are these really wasted moments? 

Or are these the moments where I prove to myself the strength, sincerity and depth of my love, of my ability to love.  I do believe that's what this is.  These are the moments that validate every happy time we ever had together, every word of love I ever wrote or spoke.  These are the moments that show me how strong I truly am, even though I feel so weak.  Surely this could all be easier, all I'd have to do, is have loved him less.