Day Eighty-Three: 03/24/2021

 03/24/2021

7:38 a.m.

    If anyone's story begins in one book, it's not mine.  My story begins within the pages of many books, written and unwritten, foreign and domestic.  My story is told in words but begins with and lives in ideas.  My story is like the rain, falling indiscriminately upon all surfaces, in any place on earth water might penetrate.  My story is suffocating me, strangling me, owning me and estranging me.  My story is begging to be written, and so I've given it a pen.

    Today's story begins on a train.  Far be it from me to start at the actual beginning.  But can you ever pinpoint the beginning?  All I know is right now, this morning, I am on a train.  The train feels lonely, even it its purpose-driven state.  I listen as it calls out the stations, not knowing whether anyone is even listening.  How do you ride the train?  Listening intently for your stop?  Or do you ride with eyes closed, counting the open and closing of the doors until your time to disembark?

    I carry my umbrella, to ward off the rain as I harden my heart, to ward off the pain.  But just as a swift wind or passing car can render my umbrella useless, so might a kind word or a warm embrace soften my battle-worn heart.  Battle-worn, battle-torn - I can picture the moment our love became a battleground.  And there I was so unprepared for your "Art of War" mentality.  There I was treasuring the Art of Life, oblivious to your sneak attacks and advanced weaponry.  Taking for granted the moment I was categorized as an enemy to be kept closer.  Blinding myself with love and naivete while you strategized to always be two steps ahead of an opponent you never had, in war waging only in your head.

    To this day, my heart bleeds broken promises all over the train car while bitter tears rain down, eluding the umbrella of my logical mind.  I take a calming breath, or three, wipe the tears that I may see, and step off the train into my world, safe from yours.  For now.

Day Sixty-Seven: 03/08/2012

 03/08/2012

6:18 am

    I asked to meet with (His) wife.  She agreed.  I just want to know how she's doing since (He) and I started talking again.  What she thinks of his latest email.  I can't imagine she is okay with all his desires.  It doesn't matter if she is, because I am not.  But I would just like to know how she is doing.  I don't want to be causing more pain.

    I have been thinking obsessively.  Walking down the street crying again.  Is it a hormonal surge?  Full moon?  Or am I not doing enough?  I felt great last night and today...yesterday...not so much.  Why?  What has changed?  Nothing I can perceive at this moment.  Oh well, better get my day started.

    Oh, Abacus lost a tooth last night.  He wanted to sleep in my bed so he didn't crush the tooth.  Then he asked if I am the tooth fairy.  I admitted I am not.  He then asked if the tooth fairy would know where to find his tooth.  I said she'll always find it under the pillow of the child with the lost tooth.  So he moved the tooth and still slept in my bed.  Then he asked me to write a contract at work that he would sign stating he would sleep in his own room (except under certain conditions).  He's so funny.

    I love my children with all my heart.  I am trying to do what's best for them in life, it's just hard for me to see sometimes.  I have definitely reached a new level of awareness.

    (He) said in his letter he hopes we can be friends someday.  For brief, light encounters, I can be "friends" with Randall.  But I stopped loving Randy almost five years ago.

    There is a part of me that is still in love with (Him), despite everything.  This is why I am so afraid of him.  He is not the only one I do not trust.  I do not trust myself around him.  I'm not talking physically, my body completely is closed.  To nearly everyone now.  I couldn't even let Jodi hug me.  But my mind and my heart.  They are already too weary from the battle.  I need to allow them to rest confidently and build their strength.  I cannot allow them to be toyed with again.  Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...

    I have enough shame to handle.

Day Ten: 01/10/2012

There are a lot of entries from 2012 because it was such a hard year I had to write practically every day.  This one is edited a bit for other people's privacy.

"...I am in failure.  The world is in failure.  Your system has failed you.  Now I see your problems exist not because one side of your conflict is right and the other is wrong, but because you're looking at each other as if you're in opposition.  You are not.  Neither of you has the answer... What you need to do is experience your misery so you can lift yourself up.  Nature spirals in and out of failures, each one leading to the rebirth of something new.  There's nothing final in failure, it moves into success, dark into the light and back again."  from An Obese White Gentleman in No Apparent Distress pp. 237-8.

9:07 p.m.

I have somehow managed to misplace all of my pens so that I am currently misusing my art pen.  Aikido was good tonight except somehow I hurt my groin.  I have no idea how.  I was fine in class.

I wanted to work late but I am exhausted.  I will go in early tomorrow.  Seriously early.  Even though Ab will not be happy because I said I'd wake him up.  Hopefully he'll be awake or wake-up a little when I get home.

....

I had a moment at my desk earlier today, I wanted more than anything else for Him to just hold me in his arms.  It hurt me a lot, that moment.  I used to feel like I belonged there.  Like everything would be okay if I could just rest there from time to time.  Who could have ever guessed the poison they were pumping into my body by their mere proximity.  Those deceitful arms.

Day Six: 01/06/2012

So 2012 was an extremely rough year for me.  Apparently around this time I was reading "An Obese White Gentleman in No Apparent Distress" by Riki Moss with Terry Dobson because I started out my journal entry with a quote from the book.

"What saved me was what saves all martial men and love.  Martial men are filled with love."

I have been thinking a lot about Sabum nim tonight.  I am very afraid of him.  Walking down the street, I am afraid of running into him.  I feel him seeking me out and it terrifies me.  Where is the love I once knew?  Where is the man to whom I opened my heart and gave over my body and created this baby with?  

Where is the love?

Reality

Reality
Is more
Than merely
My
Perception
Of
Life

Reality
Is
My experience
And
Perception
In conjunction
With that
Of everyone
Else

Delusion
Is where
You refuse
To acknowledge
The experience
And perception
Of another
And insist
That your
Own perception
Is the only
Reality

You
Deem yourself
Above
Labeling me
As delusional
All the while
Refusing
To acknowledge
My experience
My perception
Believing in
Honoring
Only
Your own

You
Deem yourself
Wisest
Of all
Certifying
That knowledge
With a piece
Of paper
And
Initials
Hard earned
Granted
But this
"Wisdom"
Has you blind
To reality

Physically
Financially
Spiritually
And
Emotionally
YOU
Damaged
Me

I
Have not
Sought
Vengeance
Retaliation
A path
Of hate
Or
Of harm

In fact
Quite
The opposite

But you
In your delusion
Allow yourself
To see
Only
Negative Mee
And she
Isn't
Even
Real
She only
Lives
In your head

The Mee
Most others
Know
And see
Is more
Representative
Of
Reality

But you
Deny
She exists
Choosing
Instead
To continue
On your path
Of hate
And harm

I try
To let it go
See past
Live with compassion
Letting go
Forgiveness
Letting go
But still
I lose sleep
Wondering
Crying
Why

Why
Can't we
Just be
Happy
Left alone
Autonomous
I asked
For nothing
But space
You chose
To suffocate me
With lawsuits
And the lies
Of your poisoned mind

You didn't
Kill me
Yet
But
You came close
Very close

Once again
I rise up
Out
Of my own
Perceived
Defeat
Only
Because
For every
Thought
And action
Of hate
You unleash
Upon me
And my children
There is
A counter thought
And counter action
Of love
And kindness
And I
Can see that
Now
I
Can feel that
Now
And I
Can
Accept that
Now

Mistakes

Every single day
I make a mistake
Every. Single. Day.
The mistake?
Thinking you might resemble
Just 1%
Of the man
I met
6 years ago.

Possessing human decency
Regard for others
Compassion
Love, even.

But not for me.
Not for Mee.

I would like to say
Someday
I will stop
Making this mistake

But what can I say
At heart
I'm a dreamer
Even shattered
It still dreams
Not for love
Only for kindness
Maybe a little understanding
A tiny crumb
Of consideration
A thimble
Of respect

Maybe I won't ever
Stop making that mistake
Because you're his father after all
And children
Learn by example

So giving up
On the idea
You might treat me
Like something other
Than shit you stepped in
And can't fully wipe off your shoe
Will be letting go
Of the idea
My son
Will have a good decent example
Of what it is
To be a man
Who treats others
(Women especially)
With kindness
Compassion
And respect
Even
If they're not currently putting out
For you

Weight

I am no stranger
To carrying
Extra weight
On my shoulders
Often enough
I meet people
So amazing
They want
To help me
Carry it

But all it takes
Is one
Who wants
To bury me
Under it

I have met him
It is working
Bravo
You are winning

Him

I met a man
For whom
I would
Have
Died
He took
My love
And with
His twisted heart
And
His twisted mind
He twisted mine
And now
He makes
Me
Want
To
Die

Ain't love grand?

Wow

Well
That took
No time at all
You are
Really
REALLY
Working hard
For my downfall

I wish
I could say
I'm strong enough
To withstand
Anything

But I'm not
I'm breaking
And you're doing it
And knowing
That you're enjoying it
Doesn't even make me feel stronger

You reopened
All my wounds
And now
With no time to heal
You've set to work
Stabbing
Going for the kill

You are
A vicious
Vicious
Beast

I pray
That I never know
The true depth
Of your rage
And capacity
To cause pain
Because I am sure
I've only seen
A fraction

Ground

I take a step
It turns to sand
Quicksand
They say
Not to struggle
So you won't go under
How much sense
Does that even make
Yet
That's exactly
What I do

Accept
Accept
Accept

Don't struggle

Accept your lies
Accept my path
Accept my pain
Accept my death

Don't struggle

Darkness
The shadow
On my heart
From your knife
Obliterates
Yet another
Section of light

The light
In my eyes
Dims
Another degree
I need my son
I need my son to see

How can you stand there
And tell the judge
He's better off
Away from me
Even
For just that one day
How can you not see
He grounds me
And without him
I am lost

I am lost
And wandering
And scared
And alone
And I'm bleeding
From this wound
You inflicted
And it's not healing
Because you
Don't want to let me alone

You couldn't stand
For us to be happy
You couldn't stand
For us to not need you
You couldn't stand
Except in our way

My happiest day
Will be
When I am free
From you
Even
If that day
Is my last one

Have You

Have you
Taken your final stab
Or is there more
To come
Are you
Lying in the grass
Licking your chops
Enjoying the taste
Of my blood
As you ripped out
Yet another
Piece of my heart
Are you
Coming for the rest
In a few months
In a few years
How many more tears
Am I going to taste
Salty on my lips
Bitter in my heart
Making me want
To end all the pain
But knowing
Then
Only you
Will gain
Everyone else
Will lose
So I have to walk
Zombie like
Through my days
Pretending my world
Is okay
While inside
My soul writhes
In pain
Slashed again
And again
By your sword
You struck from the back
The coward's way
You always
Take
The coward's way
Crazy
To think
I once
Regarded you
Above
ALL
Men
My mistake
The kind
I pay for
The rest
Of my life

Because of you

(Him)

Because of you

Each time

I heard the word

"Love"

I felt pain

Sadness

Emptiness

Loneliness

Betrayal

Because of you

Each time

I thought

Perhaps

I could love again

The fear

The memory

The heartbreak

Flooded my brain

Drowned my desire

Loving you

Nearly killed me

And the aftertaste

Causes me to cringe

Even now

(DS)

Because of you

My bare skin

Tasted the salty

Frigid waves

Of the ocean

In October

Because of you

I will always

Have a Seoulmate

And confidante

A puddle jumping 

Wave leaping

Partner through life

I will always

Look forward

To the opportunities

To pause reality

And kick it with you

(M)

Because of you

I began to trust

At a time

When all I knew

Was how to run

Because of you

I found

My inner "no"

Which 

Heretofore

Had eluded me

I will always

Be thankful

For our time together

(T)

Because of you

...

(I am speechless)

Sunday Night Muse-ic

Amazing

It's amazing to remember
How once
I honestly thought
YOU
Were the reason
I had endured
All the hardships
In my life

I thought
At one point
Everything bad in my life
Was to teach me
How to be good
For you
How to deserve
YOU

And now
Now I know
What you actually are
Is the punishment
For everything
I've ever done
Thought
Said
Or
Witnessed
That was bad
Ill intended
Or misguided

You are the reminder
Of my ability
To blind myself
To everything
But love

You
Are the reason
I cannot see
Beyond mistrust

You
Are the reason
My conscious mind
Rejects love
Even while
My heart
Cries out
In loneliness

You
The inescapable
Incomprehensible
Unyielding
Terror
Who broke my wings
Caged me
And then mocked me
As I tried to fly

Who fed me lies
And deceit
Thinking it would sustain me
And turned away
For me to starve
When you realized
It wasn't going to work

If I could remember
How to breathe
Right now
I'd scream.
And you'd hear it
You'd hear it
Ripping a hole
In your soul
Much like the one
I'm working so hard
To repair

A message from my tea bag

"Our intuition comes from innocence."
~Yogi Tea Bag

I was innocent
Where was my intuition?
I believed
I believed
I believed it all

How could I not know?
How could I not see?

How can I not regret
When it hurts me every day

It's painful, see
To give it all
To really believe
And find your truth
Was as permanent
As the wind in the trees

Here one moment
Gone the next
And when the wind
Blows hard enough
The very landscape
Is altered forever

How can I blame the wind?
The wind knows not
How to behave any different.

I, on the other hand,
I know better.

I know better than to trust
A summer's breeze

To assign permanency
To the fleeting touch of air
Caressing my body, my hair

I know better than to believe
A storm
Is a safe harbor
Even when
The wind
Is allowing me to fly

In Earth I trust
In solid ground
I stand upon her now
As the wind begins to swirl around

My heart
A kite
Tethered to my soul

My soul
A child
A lifetime to unfold

My brain
The string
Whispers...
Reel it in, reel it in

Words

Once upon a time
Those words
There upon the page
Set my heart flying
My soul
Happy and free
Dancing through the skies
Thinking your words
Were truth
Relics
From a simpler age
Feeling
The luckiest girl
I savored those words
Wrapped them around me
And let them fuel
A fire
Too dangerous
For even me
(So used to fire)
To allow to burn

Once upon a time
Your words
Were beautiful
Honest representations
Of an immaculate heart
So overtaken
By your words
I blinded myself
To your actions
And the actual
State
Of your heart

When your actions
Overcame
Your ability
To talk yourself
Out of the consequences
Still
Your words
Reached and pulled
Then
Eventually
In desperation
They struck out
Sometimes
In retaliation
Sometimes
In recrimination
Until I could not bear
To read
A
Single
Word

The strength
Of one's words
Equals
The strength
Of one's beliefs
PLUS
The belief
Which others
Carry
In one

When you are given
A gift
Of one
Who believes
Unquestioningly
In every word
And carries
Each word
In her heart
Day after day
Even when those words
Become heavy with pain
And confusion
And loss

When you are given
Such a gift
And you
Rather than cherish it
And hold it to your heart
Question it
And throw it away
But not before
You thoroughly destroy it
Not only for your own purposes
But for the purposes of those after you
For the foreseeable future

Do not ever
EVER
Ask
For that gift back

It is insulting

Your words
Mean less than nothing now
I trust not so much as a single letter
As if "I" ever meant "I"
Surely it never did
And that's just the one letter
Much less all the others
Written in sequence
Written in rhyme

I listen
With an ecstatic heart
For the tree
To finally
Fall

In Trust

Here we all are

Or were

With our hearts in your hands

Trusting

You would handle them

With wisdom

And love

With compassion

And kindness

How many of us

Have snatched them back

Before they were crushed

Completely

With thoughtlessness

And cruelty

With selfishness

And disregard

How many of us

Were left

With next to nothing

To rebuild

On our own

So we could trust again

So we could love again

So we could smile again

How many?