May the 4th

14 years ago

We made our debut

Mother and son

From one

We became two

From me

Emerged you

A poem

Doesn't start

As a blank page

It starts

As a spark

A firing neuron

You

Didn't begin life

As an empty vessel

You

Were created

When love raged

Nine months later

That love had passed

But our love

Will always last

I used to witness

So many firsts

Everything

Was new to you

Now

I beg for tidbits

About your day

Knowing

You're still

Having firsts

Thirsty

For news of them

But relegated

To provider

Of food

And pocket money

I'm tempted

To buy a car

Just so 

I can spend

More time

With you

(leaving this poem unfinished for now...)

14 years!

Happy Birthday Nexen!

Day One Hundred Twenty-Five: 05/05/2012 and 05/05/2018

 Okay, so I found two entries from today and I like them both so I am posting them both.  First is my letter to Nex from the day after he was born.  Second is a poem I wrote with Marx.  I think maybe that was when we were visiting the Poconos or somewhere like that but I could be wrong.  The poem was of the form where I wrote two lines, then covered the first line and he wrote two lines based off of my second line.  Then he covered up to his first line, and I wrote the next two lines based off of his line, and so on and so forth.  His lines are the ones in italics.

05/05/2012

6:41 am

Nexen,

I am listening to you breathe as I write this.  You are a little over 10 hours old.  You are perfect.  Everything feels fine now that you are here.  I feel oddly emotionally grounded (at the moment!).  I told your father he could see you today.  I've had no reply yet but I imagine he will come see you.

    You were so strong and brave yesterday!  You are very calm and well adjusted, all things considered.  I can't even believe I'm getting the chance to write you already!

    I love you my baby water dragon.

                                                                                                                    Mama

05/05/2018

In the autumnal sunshine

I picked a tree

A symbol for myself

Inspiration for what I want to be

Calls to me

From the wilderness

Approaches a hunter

Seeking sustenance

My soul grows toward the sun

And my body

Remains unexplored

But the price is costly

So the decision is a struggle

And the answer

Festers within me

Spreading like cancer

Or the wings of a full grown dragon

The eternal question remains

How do I survive 

And what will I maintain

When the truth

Is at the bottom of the bottle

At the top of a mountain

Or the end of a throttle

Day One Hundred Twenty-Two: 05/02/2012

 So, there may be a bunch of Nexen posts coming-up, seeing as how his birthday is Star Wars Day.  We shall see.

05/02/2012

11:23 p.m.

My darling baby,

    It will not be long before I am listening to you breathe as I write, the way I am listening to your sister breathe now.  It is an exciting time but I have a lot left to do.  I hope you will continue to be patient with me.

    I hope to close my eyes soon and fall asleep.  I hope you will come to me in your dreams and whisper your name.

    I hope you will understand and forgive any mistakes I make in navigating through the mess that is our immediate future.  Through everything, the most and the least I can do is love you.  It is all I will do.

Day One Hundred Two: 04/12/2016

 04/12/2016

4:26 a.m.

Good morning my love,

    You are alseep right now.  You are getting sooooo big!  You are still so sweet and lovey!  We need to work on your diet and materialism/consumerism.  We also need to focus a little more on your schooling/education.  Next year we are going to have to start thinking about kindergarten.  Crazy!  Hopefully your father and I can agree easily.

    This year we have very nearly a split schedule.  You are doing well although often you will say you want only Mommy.  But you seem happy when you come home from Daddy's house.

    We moved into a new house in September but you have been recently saying you want to go back to the old one.  Interestingly, it coincided with Papi moving in.  I hope you are able to transition.

    I would write more but I need to try and get some extra sleep and I have a hurt hand so after a while it hurts to write.

                                                                                                                Love,

                                                                                                                 Mama

Day Ninety-Four: 04/04/2015

 04/04/2015

5ish p.m.

Hi NexNex - 

    So much has happened!  You have been having regular overnights with your father.  You even went on a family vacation to St. Augustine in Florida and got to hold a baby alligator.  You said they were "awesome".

    You are getting so big!  You are working on all sorts of toddler skills and I'm so proud of you.  Things are going well and you seem well adjusted and happy.  You are extremely messy though!  I'm hoping you will grow out of that.

    Your favorite things right now are jellybeans, Spiderman, The Avengers, Word Girl, cars and trucks, and cutting.

    You know all your letters but you are still working on perfecting the alphabet song.  You can recognize some numbers and you can count to 13.  You are good with shapes and basic colors too.

    Life with Nexen is good!

                                                                                                                    😄

                                                                

                                                                                                                    I love you!

                                                                                                                    Mama

Day Thirty-One: 01/31/2021

01/31/2021

10:56 a.m.

My not-so-little love,

    We are in Sami's room.  She is in New Jersey with Aunt Staci and crew.  You are playing "Among Us" on my phone.

    I am going through a very difficult break-up and you are bringing me great comfort, joy and perspective.   I will miss you as your five days with Dad will soon be upon us.

    You are growing exponentially, as is my love for you.  You are generally happy although a little obsessed with screen time and cursing.  I am hoping you will grow out of both.

    You really have a beatiful, loving heart and spirit.  And can't wait to see you grow (okay, I can wait - I don't want you to grow up sometimes) even more.  I hope I can be at my best so you can know the best version of me!

    I love you forever and ever plus a little bit longer.

                                                                                                        Love,

                                                                                                        Mama

Day Twenty-Four: 01/24/2018

 01/24/2018

11:22 p.m.

My dearest Nexen,

    It has been so long since I have written!  I am so sorry.  Life just moves so quickly and I suppose I still have a tendency to get lost a little too easily.

    This morning I had Court with your father.  I am pleased with the result and I am hopeful this is the last time he will sue me.

    I have so many pens in this house and I still have trouble fiding one that works.  Hopefully third time is the charm.

    Nexen, you are getting so big and so smart.  I know tha tit is hard for you and probably confusing too, growing up with your Dad and I estranged the way we are.  I am sorry I cannot concede to him but the wound was too deep.

    I am in love with you though and Abacus and Samurai and life feels full and happy when I allow the pain to subside.  I am getting stronger every day and I am hopeful we will both continue to grow bigger and stronger and sweeter and smarter.  Okay well maybe I don't need to get bigger - just my heart?

    My love I need you every day.  It hurts that you can't be here.  I know it hurts you too.  Happiness is still ours for the taking.

                                                                                                            💗Mama

Dear Nexen

Watching you sleep

Reminds me

How often

I forget to breathe

And not just in moments

When my breath

Is taken away

But in the moments

That are gray

In the ticking, tolling tempo

Of every day

 

And forgetting to breathe

Is like forgetting to love myself

And forgetting to love myself

Leaves me vulnerable

To the belief

That another person's love

Is more important than mine 

 

And I can love you

With everything

But when I succumb 

To the belief

That I am nothing

Everything

Doesn't amount to much

 

Yet here you are

Loving me 

With your whole heart

The only way

You know 

How to love

And I simply have to remember

I taught you that

 

Facing Reality

Facing the reality
Of the mistakes I've made
Is the hardest thing
I've had to do

But I want to do better
So I have to face what I've done
And forgive myself
And others in some cases

But your failure to thrive
Is my failure
To do more than just survive
Which
For a while
Is all I thought I could do

But I can do better
And I will do better
And I'm sorry
I let myself go
For so long

I love you.

the moments inbetween

i miss you

in those moments

between “Mommy’s Day”

and the next

“Mommy’s Day”

i hope you remember

i’m your Mommy

every day

i reach for your hand

to cross the street

an automatic gesture

as a mother of three

but my hand is met

with air that’s cold

and my heart

feels a little more empty

sometimes

i cry

into your favorite

stuffed animal

sometimes i cry

over a glass of bourbon

today i cry

into words

i made a place for you

in my own body

grew you proudly

despite the shame

of being an unwed mother

i gave to you

all of the love

in my heart

i watch you grow

and that love multiplies

as you give it back to me

in whispers

and in shouts

and when the mornings

are quiet

and empty

the hours

until i see you

stacked against me

when my mind

reaches for comfort

in some thing you said

or did

recorded

in my facebook memories

i facetime you

just to hear you say,

Mommy,

i miss you, too

Dear Children:

I don't know what you think of me as a mother.  I mean, I get clues from time to time, but the ones that stick are not the ones about which I feel great.  I think you are amazing, wonderful children.  I know I feel like all the good parts of you have grown in spite of me, instead of with my help or guidance.  I know that can't be 100% true in reality, but in my mind, these thoughts live and grow.

I know that I've been afraid my entire life.  It hasn't served me well.  I know that I have made some very large, life-altering choices as a mother that hurt us.  I know that we still, to this day, struggle because of those choices.  I know that we are all afraid of the past repeating itself.

I think, with the current information available to me, I think we should open our hearts to Drew.  Abacus and Samurai, when you agreed to meet him, I was momentarily ecstatic.  In the next moment, the fear came.  It hasn't left me.  Thinking about this introduction makes me feel like I am jumping out of a plane for the second time when my parachute didn't open the first time, and I barely survived the fall.  

I feel like my guilt matches the intensity of my love.  And I can't conceive of a greater love.  So it's hard to even stand up sometimes, with all the guilt I carry.  But then I look at you, really look at you, and I speak to you in those moments when my heart is open and bleeding all over the place, and I realize that you are beautiful human beings.  Despite it all, despite me.

I didn't see through that last man because I wasn't self-aware.  I wasn't mentally strong.  That whole thing came out of nowhere, I was blind and then blindsided.  I am not in that same place.  Not to say I am ready, because I have a whole lot of work to do toward being truly self-aware and mentally strong.  But I am not in that same place.

I worry, perhaps, that I have used up most of his capacity to be patient.  As you are well aware, I need more practice communicating about feelings and things that are important in one's close relationships.  I like to call myself a failure in that department but I am working on not being so negative.  

I know I have eroded your trust in my decision-making abilities and in my choice in men.  I ask that you give me another chance anyway.  I ask that you meet Drew with open hearts and minds.  With respect, with deference.  I know you possess these qualities, though they have given way to a defensive posture that echoes my own.  Ignoring things that make you uncomfortable.  You got this from watching me deal (okay, not deal) with my feelings in and about situations in my life thus far.  And even when I witnessed this toxic behavior I lacked the ability to correct it in that moment because I am working on that very behavioral correction myself.  For this, we all owe an apology to Drew.

I love him, and for reasons only he knows, he has put up with me for six months.  With us.  He has not only put up with us, but he has looked past a whole lot of emotional immaturity.  While it can be somewhat expected of children and teenagers, it has surely been a great disappointment that it's mostly coming from me.  Someday, my trying to be better isn't going to be enough.  Because I am hyperaware of this fact, I have been scared to force interaction at the family level.  I have been trying to protect you from another one of my failures.  But this particular fear I am going to have to move through to get past.  And I truly believe it's the best decision for us.  No matter what happens, we are going to be a stronger and happier family, in the long run, from letting this man in our hearts.  I have zero doubts about that.

So, I know it's a lot to ask, and I ask a lot of you already, but you all have untapped strength.  Just as I do.  Let's be open, let's show him inside and be confident in our capacity for change.

Love, 

Mama

     

If I Could Feel

If I could feel
What it is
To know your life
Your thoughts
The world
Through your eyes
The sum
Of your experience
The callings
Of your heart
The musings
Of your mind

If I could hear
My words
As they fall
On your ears

If I could see
My impact
As it builds
Your heart and mind

If I could touch
Your heart
The way
You've touched mine

I would tell you
I'm sorry
For all my missteps
I'm proud
Of who I see
And I love
Who you have become
Unconditionally

Dear Nexen,

This year was the first year I didn't get to spend your birthday with you.  I didn't get to wake you up with our good morning song and a birthday surprise.  I tried to tell myself it didn't really matter, that we can celebrate on another day, but it did matter.  It mattered a lot.  

Six years ago we shared these moments as you emerged, bold and beautiful into this world.  Into our world.  

Six years ago the sky lit up with lightning and thunder boomed your arrival.  Six years ago we completed our family.  And on May 4, 2018, I didn't even get to say good morning and happy birthday.  I know in the long run it doesn't matter.  But in the moments which passed, on that day, it hurt me so much.

My love for you can't be captured in a word, a letter, a story or a book.  It can't be captured in a poem or a blog post.  It can't be captured in a song, a video or a gift.  But if you look at the way I smiled, on the day of your birth, you'll see the truth of my love.  My love is your favorite number, infinity.

Love,

Mama

.

   

You Are

You Are

Of my body

In my heart

On my mind

The tear

I won't let fall

The hug

I won't let end

The kiss

I won't let fade

My earth

Grounding me

My home

Sheltering me

My breath

Guiding me

You are

Worth the wait

Worth the fight

Worth the climb

This uphill battle

Is it cresting?

Doesn't matter

I'm not resting

I'll shoulder the burden

Until I can walk no more

And then...

And then I'll crawl

Whatever I have to do

I won't give up on you

I don't make a lot of promises

Because it hurts when they are broken

And you can't always keep

To the path

That once seemed so clear

But to you 

To you I promise

Today

And every day

I will believe in us

And I will fight for us

Until there is no fight left

Only

Acceptance

My Loves

I have been wanting to write this letter to you from the moment I realized our country was actually going to elect Donald Trump.  I found myself trying to wait until I was less emotional, more rational. I see now that day might not come any time soon.

So, I'm not overtly patriotic.  I don't fly an American Flag outside our house or have an "I love America" bumper sticker on my hypothetical car or a bald eagle tattooed on my bicep.  But I do have a deep love for our country and the people who live in it.  ALL OF THEM.  I love the people who are like-minded, I love the people who think differently, I love the people whose lives are a mess and struggle, I love the people who are successful and I understand, and want you to understand, that EVERYONE makes mistakes.  And love is about forgiveness.  Love is about acceptance.

However, forgiveness and acceptance are not a carte blanche.  Neither are hate and anger.  

When someone loves a person, or a place, and a horrible mistake is made (or what you perceive to be a horrible mistake), it hurts.  At its extreme, it causes a broken heart.  And so my loves, when we voted Trump into office, my heart broke, and the hearts of a lot of people who also love our country. For me, it's not because I hate Trump.  Trump is what he is and he has a place under my umbrella of love for humans, but, again, that doesn't mean he can do or say or act however he wants and I will stand by and watch, continually forgiving and accepting without making a move to effect change.  Not when he takes a position of leadership in our government.

Now, a lot of people feel like it's too late, he's elected.  We should have done something beforehand, what's the point in rallying or protesting or speaking out now.  We're not going to change anything. We should just sit quietly and let him do his thing.

So here's what I believe.

Article [I] (Amendment 1 - Freedom of expression and religion) ¹³

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. 

Our democratic government is set-up "by the people, for the people".  As "the people" we have a responsibility to make our voices heard when we feel our government is moving in a direction that, collectively, we cannot tolerate.  Respecting the president-elect and protesting against the abhorrent statements he has made and ideas he is propagating, are two completely different things.

And so I will stand in solidarity with everyone who feels oppressed by Trump's statements and those of his constituents.  I will ask you to stand beside me, and speak out against acts of hatred and violence.  I will ask that you walk or march beside me in peaceful, respectful protest of the words and ideas that have struck fear into the hearts of so many Americans.  But most of all, I will ask you to follow your own hearts, and do whatever you feel is the right thing to do.

If we can help Trump see just how many Americans feel hurt and marginalized by his words and threatened actions, and he cares about doing a good job as President, then he will have to take responsibility for the things he says.  And if the only thing we accomplish is that he stops and thinks before he speaks, we have made progress.  And the President-elect is not the only one watching.  All across America, and the world at large, we need to send the message that millions of us are not okay with his rhetoric.  That millions of us care about one another despite any number of factors that make us the amazing and beautiful people that we are.  I'm not going to list them for fear of leaving some group out, but you know who they are.  

If children can get suspended from your school for repeating the words of the President-elect, it is incumbent upon me to act.  Not by spreading more violence, more hate and more intolerance but by working to support and promote a dialogue and atmosphere of mutual respect and understanding among anyone and everyone who is willing to engage in such.

So, my loves, let's talk.  Let's talk, and let's remember to love everyone.  Let's lend our strength to positive and peaceful civic actions and show the world exactly what this country is made of.  Let's be Americans and show our love for America by exercising our Constitutional rights.  Whatever we do, let's not choose now to be silent and hope for the best.

Love,

Mama

Oops: A Late Birthday Letter

Dear Nexen,

I'm a couple days late on this one.  I apologize, I've been a little distracted.  Someday you'll come to understand the fleeting nature of time.  The game of hide and seek we play with it our entire lives. Anyway, I've found a little for you, for your birthday letter.

You sleep, upstairs, my little bundle of three who still has to remember to put up the third finger when asked how old he is.  It's okay, I also like to think I'm a few fingers younger than I am from time to time.

This year, so much changed.  You, things around you, things in the world, but nothing inside you. Inside you still lives the beautiful, cherished, (fleeting) innocence of a baby.  Your eyes still shine with unbroken, unconditional love and your heart, your heart remains unquestioning, knowing its own value and the value of the connections it has made.  I am very proud of this, because these things are precious and easily lost.  Your mind, your mind is always questioning, growing, becoming stronger. As is your body.  Taller, stronger, faster, more agile.  I will miss the unsteady steps and jumps of two as they fade away in(to) the leaps and bounds of three.     

My birthday wish for you is that this year, your third year, is your best ever.  As our happiness remains intricately interlaced at this early age, I will do my best to pave the way.  A little secret? Great happiness is on the horizon for me, and therefore us, I just have to be open to it.  Unfortunately, my heart is not the same as yours and being open, well, that's not currently my strong suit.  I can't know the future and hope I'm learning from the past but sometimes the line between what is a lesson and what needs to be let go is very blurred.

Maybe I just need to follow your heart, because mine is still in pieces.

Sheesh, this took a depressing turn.

Okay, it's time to get you all up and ready for school.  

I love you birthday boy, two days removed.  I am excited to know you this third year, and I wish us all happiness.

Mama

Dear Nexen,

A lot has changed this month. You seem to be adjusting well. I am not.

Tuesday, I yelled at you. You looked at me for a long moment, then your face bent, melted and you began to cry. The kind of crying that says, "I have no idea what just happened or where that came from." The kind of crying that says, "You hurt me Mama." I sighed. Deeply. I opened my arms and you snuggled in for a moment, and I whispered "I'm sorry", but then your sister opened her arms and you went to her and the two of you held each other until you both felt better.  I, on the other hand, did not get to feel better.

There is so much I need, which is not provided by my current life.  Enough money that my teeth unclench at night and my worries take a backseat to sleep.  Enough time that I don't feel every waking moment is a vortex which dumps me, unceremoniously, into my messy house at the end of the night with no energy to clean and no desire to fight the lack of energy.  Enough energy that instead of falling asleep when the sweet, deep breaths of sleeping children fill the air I can enjoy a few precious moments of silence, peace and yes, cleaning!  Enough peace that my emotional landscape changes from a fiery post apocalyptic nightmare to a beautiful, flowing river interrupted only by the sound of songbirds.

There is so much I have, which is not appreciated in my current state of mind.  Three amazingly beautiful children who have an incredible bond and truly enjoy each other...albeit sometimes the bond is hard to see for all the bickering and resentment passed around like a hot potato.  A job I enjoy which also serves our community and allows me the freedom and flexibility to enjoy being a mother too.  A place to live which is (literally) overflowing with generous gifts and donations from friends and family.  My (relative) physical health and that of my children.

I just, I get thrown off balance a lot.  It feels like every time I find my footing someone comes along and pushes me over, laughs in my face and says, "Ha, now try and stand back up."  Sometimes they even set-up swords and nails behind me so when I fall they know I will be so injured, I will not be able to get up without help.  And then they'll stand there with their hand out, calling me horrible names when I won't take their hand. But how can I grasp the hand of the person who set me up to fall?  How could I ever trust they wouldn't just let go and watch me fall...again?  Simply put, I can't.

Anyway.  I just want you to know that I love you.  Every moment I can't be with you, my heart is still filled with love for you.  Every moment I am physically with you, and my mind is a million miles away, my heart is still filled with love for you.  Every  moment I lose myself, I lose my connection to you and to the moment at hand, my heart. Is still. Filled. With Love.  For You.

And the more I write and get out what's in my head, the more I remember what's in my heart.  It's all that love I want to guide my life, none of that other stuff.  So when things are getting hard, I write about it.  Today I write to you.  Every day, EVERY. DAY. I love you.  And that's what I want to be bogged down with, not all of this other stuff.  And now, for this moment, I am.

Eternally,
Your loving Mama

In Love Again

Every day
I fall in love again
I wake-up
And gaze upon
My three little sleeping children
All cuddled in bed together
Oblivious
To the fact
They are outgrowing
Mama's bed
For the comfort it brings
Overshadows
Any discomfort
And me
With my aging bones
Which protest in the morning
I still find
That connection
Through the night
That comfort
And warmth
Is more important
Than some sore muscles

Who can believe in me
When I can't believe in myself?
My children can.

Who can love me
When I can't love myself?
My children can.

Of all the loves
I have lost
In my life
I will do everything
I possibly can
To hold on to theirs

Because every day
I want to wake-up
And find myself
In love again

Dear Nexen,

When my arms feel tired

Because you need to be held

A little longer than usual

And you finally fall asleep

Enough for me to put you down

I marvel

At how empty

My arms feel

Without you in them

And I remember

How quickly

These days will pass

And you will barely

Need me to hold you

At all

And when you wake-up

And ask to be held again

I forget

That my arms were ever tired

Dear Nexen,

Just three weeks ago you were curled up inside of me, sleeping to the rhythm of my heartbeat.  Today as you lay curled upon my chest, sleeping to the rhythm of my heartbeat, I am in awe of us, and all we have come through to get here. 

Most people's birth story begins with, "Mommy and Daddy loved each other, and from that love, you were conceived."  I am so sorry this is not how your story began.  I just pray that all my suffering imbues me with the strength and insight to teach you and your brother and sister to navigate your life without ever falling victim to this particular brand of heartache.

Our path together so far has been the most difficult one which I have ever chosen.  This is saying a lot, because your old Mama never takes the easy road.  You will come to know this path is the only one in my life I wish I had not traveled.  I believe that you and I were meant to be, but I believe that you would have come to me in a more honorable way, had I behaved more honorably.  Had I chosen an alternate path.

Despite all the emotional fallout, we made it through.  And here we are, loving each other as only a mother and child can ever love each other.  Giving over everything, all our love, all our trust, all our hopes and dreams.  What we did three weeks ago today was amazing and beautiful, yet also incredibly difficult.  

There came a moment, fleeting but very real, when my inner critic told me I can't do this "on my own".  This is the moment you and I came together and connected with every woman who has ever given birth in the history of humankind and accessed the magnificent strength and knowledge that lives within every woman.  Sadly, many women in our modern society never tap into this most powerful source, or are even aware it exists.  But I digress.

Already, you have grown so much.  I am trying to keep pace and also navigate the safest and happiest path upon which continue.  I allow things which hurt me terribly in the hopes it will make your life easier in the future, but there is a limit to how much I can handle right now.   I hope, in time, you will understand all of this and understand and believe in your heart that everything I do and have done is for the sake of everyone's long term happiness.

The scariest part of all this is the knowledge that the hardest days are still ahead of us.  I try not to think about that too much more than I have to.  For now I just marvel at how much you grow and change every single day.  I just hold you and love you and keep you warm and safe and happy.  I watch as your brother and sister care for and adore you.  And I am thankful for all that I have in my life.  The good which I cherish and the bad from which I learn.

I love you today and every day,

Mama