Saturday Morning Melancholy

I am lost

And everything hurts

I’m back at the start

All the endings stacked

So that I can’t see

Have no desire to look

For new beginnings

I am alone

My brain knows I am not

But my heart cries out

YES YOU ARE

And the quiet morning 

Echoes my loneliness 

And the solitary tear

Threatens to drop

Even as I hold it back

Afraid of a floodgate

Steeped in pain

Drenched in sadness

I force motivation 

Into my limbs

Get dressed

Go to work

Wear that smile

So my pain doesn’t spread 

Hate myself for continuing 

Hate myself for wanting to be dead

Hate myself for hurting

Hate myself for not wanting to heal

Can I force my arms to open

And accept the beauty

In my life

Can I force my mind to open

And hold happiness

Over strife

Can I force my heart to open 

I just don’t think

I can 

The Collective Mic Writer's Circle Prompt: Erykah Badu's Bag Lady

 

My first bags

Were so heavy

Filled with the rejection

Of a nation

Who upon seeing me

In my new country

Said

Let me fill that suitcase more

Because you we abhor

With your assimilation

As if my 14 month old self

Could unpack the bags

And stay

And learn to be Korean

Instead of Jewish

I couldn't even walk

Much less walk away

And the tears

On my new mother's face

Were a new bag

I had to carry

Not knowing

How to be the right daughter

For a family

That didn't know Oriental

Was a description of a rug

Not a human

And that calling me

Her China doll

Became a weight

I had to carry

Sharpened to a sword

I used to parry

Ignorance

And deceit

But worse

Eventually

The knights in underarmour

Came to say

Baby let me hold you

Let me carry your burdens

And kiss your fears

Let me shoulder those bag

And banish your tears

And I said no

And I said no

And I said no

And I said

Okay

And they said

Damn these bags are heavy

And walked the fuck away

And I stand strong now

I stand so strong now

But sometimes

I feel weak

As if the days and weeks

And months and decades

Will bury me alive

But I stop to breathe

I surround myself with strength

And I say

There is beauty in this world

So much beauty in this world

Because we carried

Our bags

The length

And now

Sisters

Let's put them down

And rest

Let watch as life's test

Reveals how we passed with flying colors

Not just for ourselves

But for all others

Tonight

 Escaping

Me

The thoughts 

Will you join me?

Hello 2023

Yeah.

I know I'm late.

It's February and shit.

But life hasn't been super easy (was it ever).

And I know people have it harder.

I KNOW.

And I honor that and hate that life is hard.

Or easy.

I just.

I'm hurting.

I'm lonely.

I'm sad.

And I'm trying to support friends who are more hurt, and more lonely, and more sad.

So I can't complain in.

I can only complain out.

But I don't have a lot of friends.

So I only can say here...it sucks to love people.

It sucks when they die.

It sucks when they leave you.

It sucks when they aren't the person you ended up with.

It sucks when they could never be your person on paper but they are your person in your heart.

And yeah.  It's the end of February almost and I haven't blogged.

But my feelings have been too big.

And too small.

And I want to curl up into a ball.

And really,

If I'm being honest,

I want to die.

Now

Don't worry.

I won't.

I'm too stubborn for that.

But in my heart of hearts

In the place where where pain meets acquiescence

There's an understanding

There really is

I hurt too much

Not more than anyone else, 

Of course

But too much for me

And I won't let go

Because I know people don't want me to

But I would

I totally would let go

If only

It was okay

It's Not Fair

It's not fair

That you can take my breath away

When I am already

Trying not to breathe

How can you know

To d

        i

          s

my        r       destruction

               u

                  p

                     t

Did I whisper for help

In my sleep

Just by dreaming of you?

Sleep of the Dead

I lie down

Mentally

I shovel sleep

Until I’m buried

Six feet deep

My battered body

My bruised mind

Laid to rest

For the night at least

Sleep tattoos reluctance

On my eyelids

I try to open them

Early morning

Nothing moves 

Except my mind

A tiny bit 

Supplanting my exhaustion

With memories of yesterday

My child’s joy

My expanding love

I roll over

Hey

It’s a start

Eyes open

I write a poem

About trying 

To get out of bed

Can I do it?

I'm Tired

I'm tired of getting lost
In the past

Every time

I try to examine it

I'm tired of being afraid

That what I've been through

Is going to come back

And haunt me forever

I'm tried of forgetting...

That defense mechanism

I have enacted

Which has morphed

Into a way of disassociating

Even

When I am not in danger

I'm tired of starting things

And never finishing

I'm tired of losing friends

And lovers

And family

Not due to natural causes

But due to my inability

To connect

And communicate

In a meaningful way

I'm tired of drowning loneliness

In alcohol

And bad behavior

I'm tired of floating

Mindless and distracted

Through my life

My last blog post 

Was April 30. 

So I've almost abandoned

My daily blog project

Longer 

Than I stuck with it.

I'm going to start back.

And see if I can't catch up.

I know that it was difficult

And a lot to process

But it was helping

That retrospective

Was helping me

In ways I could

And couldn't see

So now

That I've inadvertently

Cleared my social calendar

I'm going back

And let's see

Where it leads me