Hello 2023

Yeah.

I know I'm late.

It's February and shit.

But life hasn't been super easy (was it ever).

And I know people have it harder.

I KNOW.

And I honor that and hate that life is hard.

Or easy.

I just.

I'm hurting.

I'm lonely.

I'm sad.

And I'm trying to support friends who are more hurt, and more lonely, and more sad.

So I can't complain in.

I can only complain out.

But I don't have a lot of friends.

So I only can say here...it sucks to love people.

It sucks when they die.

It sucks when they leave you.

It sucks when they aren't the person you ended up with.

It sucks when they could never be your person on paper but they are your person in your heart.

And yeah.  It's the end of February almost and I haven't blogged.

But my feelings have been too big.

And too small.

And I want to curl up into a ball.

And really,

If I'm being honest,

I want to die.

Now

Don't worry.

I won't.

I'm too stubborn for that.

But in my heart of hearts

In the place where where pain meets acquiescence

There's an understanding

There really is

I hurt too much

Not more than anyone else, 

Of course

But too much for me

And I won't let go

Because I know people don't want me to

But I would

I totally would let go

If only

It was okay