It's Not Fair

It's not fair

That you can take my breath away

When I am already

Trying not to breathe

How can you know

To d

        i

          s

my        r       destruction

               u

                  p

                     t

Did I whisper for help

In my sleep

Just by dreaming of you?

Sleep of the Dead

I lie down

Mentally

I shovel sleep

Until I’m buried

Six feet deep

My battered body

My bruised mind

Laid to rest

For the night at least

Sleep tattoos reluctance

On my eyelids

I try to open them

Early morning

Nothing moves 

Except my mind

A tiny bit 

Supplanting my exhaustion

With memories of yesterday

My child’s joy

My expanding love

I roll over

Hey

It’s a start

Eyes open

I write a poem

About trying 

To get out of bed

Can I do it?

I'm Tired

I'm tired of getting lost
In the past

Every time

I try to examine it

I'm tired of being afraid

That what I've been through

Is going to come back

And haunt me forever

I'm tried of forgetting...

That defense mechanism

I have enacted

Which has morphed

Into a way of disassociating

Even

When I am not in danger

I'm tired of starting things

And never finishing

I'm tired of losing friends

And lovers

And family

Not due to natural causes

But due to my inability

To connect

And communicate

In a meaningful way

I'm tired of drowning loneliness

In alcohol

And bad behavior

I'm tired of floating

Mindless and distracted

Through my life

My last blog post 

Was April 30. 

So I've almost abandoned

My daily blog project

Longer 

Than I stuck with it.

I'm going to start back.

And see if I can't catch up.

I know that it was difficult

And a lot to process

But it was helping

That retrospective

Was helping me

In ways I could

And couldn't see

So now

That I've inadvertently

Cleared my social calendar

I'm going back

And let's see

Where it leads me

Day One Hundred Twenty-Seven: 05/07/2002

 7 May 2002

I was driving a bus knowing my driver's license was suspended but the company didn't check and gave me the job anyway.  Every day I'd go speeding around this cure, always knowing I should slow down but going faster every time.  Finally one day I lost control of the bus and it flipped down into the water.  I was thrown before it hit and ended-up at the police station.  I was sure I was going to be incarcerate.  Two friends had driven me there (Alena and someone) and Randy was there too.  Oh...I'm too lazy to record the rest of this...I ended-up on crutches at a shopping center witnessing a bank robbery and then getting chased with two black women by a maniacal white man who threatened to beat, rape and then kill us.

Day One Hundred Twenty-Six: 05/06/2009

 05/06/2009

    How long has she been running from the same thing?  It feels as if forever and inevitable are the same thing sometimes.  Certainly it has been forever she has been running from the inevitable and it seems as though inevitable runs faster than forever which makes a lot of sense because, after all, forever has forever to run and inevitable has only so long.  But anyway, there has been progress made in the past few months wherein she has allowed herself moments to stand still by and through the inevitable, which we already established is faster than forever, and has apparently caught up.

Day One Hundred Twenty-Five: 05/05/2012 and 05/05/2018

 Okay, so I found two entries from today and I like them both so I am posting them both.  First is my letter to Nex from the day after he was born.  Second is a poem I wrote with Marx.  I think maybe that was when we were visiting the Poconos or somewhere like that but I could be wrong.  The poem was of the form where I wrote two lines, then covered the first line and he wrote two lines based off of my second line.  Then he covered up to his first line, and I wrote the next two lines based off of his line, and so on and so forth.  His lines are the ones in italics.

05/05/2012

6:41 am

Nexen,

I am listening to you breathe as I write this.  You are a little over 10 hours old.  You are perfect.  Everything feels fine now that you are here.  I feel oddly emotionally grounded (at the moment!).  I told your father he could see you today.  I've had no reply yet but I imagine he will come see you.

    You were so strong and brave yesterday!  You are very calm and well adjusted, all things considered.  I can't even believe I'm getting the chance to write you already!

    I love you my baby water dragon.

                                                                                                                    Mama

05/05/2018

In the autumnal sunshine

I picked a tree

A symbol for myself

Inspiration for what I want to be

Calls to me

From the wilderness

Approaches a hunter

Seeking sustenance

My soul grows toward the sun

And my body

Remains unexplored

But the price is costly

So the decision is a struggle

And the answer

Festers within me

Spreading like cancer

Or the wings of a full grown dragon

The eternal question remains

How do I survive 

And what will I maintain

When the truth

Is at the bottom of the bottle

At the top of a mountain

Or the end of a throttle

Day One Hundred Twenty-Four: 05/04/2021

 05/04/2021

9:25 p.m.

Nexen's birthday, so it was a wonderful day  by default.  Still now, for the first time today, I think of the glorious storm the night Nexen was born.  My water dragon.  Ab and Sami really believed Nexen could make it rain for a little while.  What a joyous and triumphant day it was.  At one point in labor, I remember feeling so desperately alone without his father there.  And then I looked around at the beautiful, strong, loving women in the room, plus my kids, and I let it all fill me.  And the strength of all the birthing mothers throughout history.  And I opened up myself and my future to a whole human.  Which was what I had done to get myself to that night in the first place.  I am so thankful I have been so blessed since then, to not have my heart's desire dictate my future. 

Work was horrible today.  Don't feel like expounding upon it.  I may be fired soon.  So it goes.

...

Anyway, we'll see how work goes tomorrow.  All I can do is my best, and whether they see it or not, I have been.