Unburden Mee

Unburden me

From thoughts of you

Even

(Especially?)

Those

Lurking on my

Periphery

You hid from me

When all I wanted 

Was to see you

When everything I wanted

Was to love you

You hid from me

Then lied to me

Afraid of what 

I would see

Buried there

In your uncombed psyche

But you lied to me

And now

That’s all I may ever see

You could have

Just opened up

I know how to hold

The darkness of truth

I know how to walk

Over knotted roots

I know how to love

The unlovable

All you had to do

Was show me

All you had to do 

Was trust me

I left thinking

I wasn’t enough

But

In retrospect

Perhaps

I was too much

This Morning

 Two thoughts, before my mind gets bogged down with the weight of work and life:

1.  My job fits like a coat that is too small for me.  There isn't room for my growth.  I have worn it in though, it feels comfortable in a world that changes so much.  I have never liked having to get new shoes or new coats.  It still provides a sense of security and a certain amount of warmth.  But, alas, it is too small.  I have already outgrown it, I am just afraid to choose a new coat.  It's a big decision, what if I decide on the wrong one.  What if I lose my coat altogether?  What's the solution there?  Just move somewhere warm where I won't need a coat?

2.  I think I've been alone too long to fit in anyone's life but my own.  And I'm good with that. 

Hi ho, hi ho...

Just at the edge,

My periphery

I feel me

Watching me

 

I smile

Like it's easy

I cry

Like it's difficult

 

Wherefore

Art thou

Equilibrium?

 

I love

The easy days

I love

The hard ones

 

Too

 

I'm just here

Hanging on

To the middle

Like it's my lifeline

Last night

I told my son

I wouldn't cry

I would be strong

Alas

My message

Was all wrong

There is great strength

In vulnerability.

And holding

The sadness of another

Is a gift

Of the heart

It's a type 

Of emotional art

I don't always know

Exactly why

I'm sad

 

But I know it's deep

Deep enough to drown me

If I hold too many tears

If I don't work through my fears

 

I do

Love the Spring though

It's like a mental unplugging

A thawing of my flow

And now

It's off to work I go

 

Thank You

I met a man 

yesterday

And I am so thankful 

 

Even if 

He's not interested 

In me 

 

He touched 

My life 

And my heart

 

In a way

That I pray 

Will never be reversed 

 

Until yesterday 

I never 

Truly understood 

The power of a hug

Macy Gray - "The Way" (Official Video)

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Sixteen

 I think I've done it.  I think I've made it through all the pain to acceptance.

This will probably be my final entry in this season's Diary of a Heartbreak.

I was drinking with a co-worker last night (which, amusingly, is how my whole relationship with Adonis started), and he was giving me dating advice, and I actually considered it.

This is how I know my heart has been untethered.

I also know because I am free from the obsessive thoughts.  Of course, I still think about him at least once a day, but not all day.  I worked very, very hard to get here.

I just need to keep doing the good things, the work which has helped me break free from the heartbreak.  And I need to be careful with the bad habits, that they don't affect all the good work I have been doing.  If I stay present, if I stay grounded, I will be okay.  I hope he is too.

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Fifteen

Yesterday was real tough.

In the end, I pulled through.

I tried to finish my puzzle but I just couldn't get there.  I am very close though.  I am thinking perhaps in the next two days.  Since everything went down on January 16th, I am hopeful maybe I will be able to finish the puzzle on February 16th?  Maybe?

I remain sad but resolute.

The idea of going back to him is disappearing.  Every time I think about him, and desire him, I just remember our last few days together.  Our last two weeks together even.  And how I gave him everything, plus every benefit of the doubt, and I was being played.  It saddens me, disgusts me, sickens me.  And now, finally, the desire to be with him again is being lifted.  I am so thankful for that.   

I get dizzy thinking of all the deceit.  The one and only thing I care about above all else.  Just honesty, that's it!  And even after being caught red-handed, still so much dishonesty.  Again.  Sad, disgusted, sick.

I'm exhausted from feeling.  It's taken SO MUCH for me to not drink, or eat something to ease this mental burden.  But I am proud of myself for staying sober, by and large.  There has been a night or two since the break-up but nothing too crazy.  And I haven't reached out to him so, win!

I am hoping this heartbreak diary is coming to its end.  My path to healing has been pretty clear to me, I think.  I have been adhering to decisions which promote positive change and growth, for the most part.

I still feel pretty broken, but I've been gathering the strength to start climbing out of this valley, and most days, I can at least stand strong, even though I am not quite ready to climb.