Hi ho, hi ho...

Just at the edge,

My periphery

I feel me

Watching me

 

I smile

Like it's easy

I cry

Like it's difficult

 

Wherefore

Art thou

Equilibrium?

 

I love

The easy days

I love

The hard ones

 

Too

 

I'm just here

Hanging on

To the middle

Like it's my lifeline

Last night

I told my son

I wouldn't cry

I would be strong

Alas

My message

Was all wrong

There is great strength

In vulnerability.

And holding

The sadness of another

Is a gift

Of the heart

It's a type 

Of emotional art

I don't always know

Exactly why

I'm sad

 

But I know it's deep

Deep enough to drown me

If I hold too many tears

If I don't work through my fears

 

I do

Love the Spring though

It's like a mental unplugging

A thawing of my flow

And now

It's off to work I go

 

Thank You

I met a man 

yesterday

And I am so thankful 

 

Even if 

He's not interested 

In me 

 

He touched 

My life 

And my heart

 

In a way

That I pray 

Will never be reversed 

 

Until yesterday 

I never 

Truly understood 

The power of a hug

Macy Gray - "The Way" (Official Video)

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Sixteen

 I think I've done it.  I think I've made it through all the pain to acceptance.

This will probably be my final entry in this season's Diary of a Heartbreak.

I was drinking with a co-worker last night (which, amusingly, is how my whole relationship with Adonis started), and he was giving me dating advice, and I actually considered it.

This is how I know my heart has been untethered.

I also know because I am free from the obsessive thoughts.  Of course, I still think about him at least once a day, but not all day.  I worked very, very hard to get here.

I just need to keep doing the good things, the work which has helped me break free from the heartbreak.  And I need to be careful with the bad habits, that they don't affect all the good work I have been doing.  If I stay present, if I stay grounded, I will be okay.  I hope he is too.

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Fifteen

Yesterday was real tough.

In the end, I pulled through.

I tried to finish my puzzle but I just couldn't get there.  I am very close though.  I am thinking perhaps in the next two days.  Since everything went down on January 16th, I am hopeful maybe I will be able to finish the puzzle on February 16th?  Maybe?

I remain sad but resolute.

The idea of going back to him is disappearing.  Every time I think about him, and desire him, I just remember our last few days together.  Our last two weeks together even.  And how I gave him everything, plus every benefit of the doubt, and I was being played.  It saddens me, disgusts me, sickens me.  And now, finally, the desire to be with him again is being lifted.  I am so thankful for that.   

I get dizzy thinking of all the deceit.  The one and only thing I care about above all else.  Just honesty, that's it!  And even after being caught red-handed, still so much dishonesty.  Again.  Sad, disgusted, sick.

I'm exhausted from feeling.  It's taken SO MUCH for me to not drink, or eat something to ease this mental burden.  But I am proud of myself for staying sober, by and large.  There has been a night or two since the break-up but nothing too crazy.  And I haven't reached out to him so, win!

I am hoping this heartbreak diary is coming to its end.  My path to healing has been pretty clear to me, I think.  I have been adhering to decisions which promote positive change and growth, for the most part.

I still feel pretty broken, but I've been gathering the strength to start climbing out of this valley, and most days, I can at least stand strong, even though I am not quite ready to climb.

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Fourteen

 It hurts.

This morning.  Every morning.

It just hurts.

I thought it was real...I thought we were forever.  I BELIEVED!

And it was so fake.

Why do words mean more to me than so many others?

Words aren't tools to get your way.

Words are a pathway to your heart.

Can't you see that?

Can't you see me?

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Thirteen

 I just want to call him and see how his day went.  And tell him about mine.  My heart is heavy with this longing.  With this desire for connection.  I wish one moment in his arms could erase all the hurt, because my heart wants that to be the way forward.  But my brain reigns supreme.  I have not let her rest, not let her succumb to drugs or alcohol for precisely this reason.  I don't want to allow my heart to lead right now.  Not until my heart has healed and can lead us away from this disaster of a relationship.

But I am not there yet.  And so, I wait.  I continue to work on creating positive habits.  I watch the ounces drop from the scale.  I celebrate these little victories as if they mean something big.  I know they don't.  Because the person who was my everything to me has stricken himself from my life through his behavior.  And in the shadow of that loss the scale disappears entirely.

I want to sever this connection.  I want to free myself from this tether.  But I am just not there yet.  And so I struggle through my days.  And so I cry sporadically for apparently no reason.  And so I write.  I write to remember.  I write to forget.  I will always love him.  And I have no regret.