Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Fifteen

Yesterday was real tough.

In the end, I pulled through.

I tried to finish my puzzle but I just couldn't get there.  I am very close though.  I am thinking perhaps in the next two days.  Since everything went down on January 16th, I am hopeful maybe I will be able to finish the puzzle on February 16th?  Maybe?

I remain sad but resolute.

The idea of going back to him is disappearing.  Every time I think about him, and desire him, I just remember our last few days together.  Our last two weeks together even.  And how I gave him everything, plus every benefit of the doubt, and I was being played.  It saddens me, disgusts me, sickens me.  And now, finally, the desire to be with him again is being lifted.  I am so thankful for that.   

I get dizzy thinking of all the deceit.  The one and only thing I care about above all else.  Just honesty, that's it!  And even after being caught red-handed, still so much dishonesty.  Again.  Sad, disgusted, sick.

I'm exhausted from feeling.  It's taken SO MUCH for me to not drink, or eat something to ease this mental burden.  But I am proud of myself for staying sober, by and large.  There has been a night or two since the break-up but nothing too crazy.  And I haven't reached out to him so, win!

I am hoping this heartbreak diary is coming to its end.  My path to healing has been pretty clear to me, I think.  I have been adhering to decisions which promote positive change and growth, for the most part.

I still feel pretty broken, but I've been gathering the strength to start climbing out of this valley, and most days, I can at least stand strong, even though I am not quite ready to climb.

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Fourteen

 It hurts.

This morning.  Every morning.

It just hurts.

I thought it was real...I thought we were forever.  I BELIEVED!

And it was so fake.

Why do words mean more to me than so many others?

Words aren't tools to get your way.

Words are a pathway to your heart.

Can't you see that?

Can't you see me?

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Thirteen

 I just want to call him and see how his day went.  And tell him about mine.  My heart is heavy with this longing.  With this desire for connection.  I wish one moment in his arms could erase all the hurt, because my heart wants that to be the way forward.  But my brain reigns supreme.  I have not let her rest, not let her succumb to drugs or alcohol for precisely this reason.  I don't want to allow my heart to lead right now.  Not until my heart has healed and can lead us away from this disaster of a relationship.

But I am not there yet.  And so, I wait.  I continue to work on creating positive habits.  I watch the ounces drop from the scale.  I celebrate these little victories as if they mean something big.  I know they don't.  Because the person who was my everything to me has stricken himself from my life through his behavior.  And in the shadow of that loss the scale disappears entirely.

I want to sever this connection.  I want to free myself from this tether.  But I am just not there yet.  And so I struggle through my days.  And so I cry sporadically for apparently no reason.  And so I write.  I write to remember.  I write to forget.  I will always love him.  And I have no regret.

Diary of Heartbreak: Entry Twelve

 I am hurting.  

Last night, after everyone left the office, a deep sadness overtook me and I cried for an hour and half.  It was a kid night, but I was crumpled on the floor in front of the coats and I couldn't move until, finally, I called a friend for backup and he talked me up off the floor.  Which, interestingly, he did by telling me to stay on the floor.  Not exactly that, but I'm summarizing here.

Talking to him, I got angry, and the anger lifted me up off the floor and guided me, step by step, to the door of my apartment.  And then I released it all so I could be quasi-functional for the children. 

Last night was tough but I needed to get a good work-out in so I could get out of my head for a bit.  In a healthy way.  But first I had to get Nexen to bed, then clean the living room, then wash all the dishes.  So it ended-up being a later night than I had hoped considering I didn't sleep all that well the night before but I knew I didn't sleep the night before because I had skipped my evening workout and so there we were.  I worked out, and I slept well, albeit not for all that long.

I only worked on my puzzle for about five minutes after my shower.  I hope to have more time to work on it tonight, but we will see how tonight goes.  I have counseling and I have managed three days in a row accomplishing my golden triangle (completing all my morning, afternoon and evening tasks on my app), and that all takes time.  But I want to work on it, so I should be able to hopefully find the time.

I love him so deeply.  So deeply that the hurt feels like it will never end.  

I am not okay.

💧 (<= teardrop, not water dripping from a faucet)

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Eleven

 Yeah, so it's been difficult.  After I wrote that last entry, I took a peek in my deleted emails and found he sent me two on Sunday.  

My desire to see him, to just hear his voice, it has not been lifted.  But neither has my memory of the pain he caused.  So, the battle continues.  My heart fills and swells with love and I deflate it with reality.

I am so close to finishing my puzzle.  It is such a creative release for me.  As I work to find the right piece I cannot help but make the parallel to the puzzle that is my love life.  Here I had this piece that looked and seemed just perfect, but it was just a little bit off.  And I tried...I put all my work on myself and my family on hold trying to fit this man in...only to realize that little bit off meant a whole, whole lot.

My deepest wish is that he is still a piece that will fit.  Just later.  When he's figured himself out a bit more.  And when I have completed more of my puzzle.  But I don't want to get stuck trying to fit the wrong piece at the wrong time.  I want to keep working so I can see the whole picture.  I know it's just going to be so beautiful.  And maybe I will find that piece fits in another place, and I will have to leave it there and move on to the next piece.  Either way, I just need to keep working on it.  On me.  On realizing beauty and not dwelling in pain.  Life is too short.

You know?

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Ten

I woke-up this morning and he was the second thing on my mind.  I am very proud of this, although I do have pressing matters to stress about, which is what was on my mind first.  My oldest son's girlfriend is moving-in with us this weekend.  Into our two and a half bedroom, one bathroom apartment.  I just enjoyed what may possibly be my last weekend of solitude for a while.

But, I am clearly improving.  I went a week without writing on here and I went a few minutes without thinking of him when I first woke-up.  He remains the last thing I think about when I go to sleep though.  I will work on that too.

I have made great strides over the past week.  In part because of the app I am using for self-improvement.  It really is helping me a lot.  Also, I have been praying a lot.  While my affiliation with any particular religion remains fragmented, my relationship with G-d has been healed.  There was a quote in one of my readings for that app which really opened things up for me mentally with regard to letting-go of Adonis.

 This quote just really put everything into perspective for me.  Though friends would tell me how immature his behaviors were, I didn't realize the significance until I read this.  I don't have thirty years to wait for his viewpoint to catch-up to mine.  I really don't.  As much as I love him, I don't want to continue to struggle with this gap in our mindset.  And for me, I would have accepted his behavior at the age of 20 and forgiven him.  I cannot do that now, nearing 50.  I want something different than I did then, I believe in more than I did then.

I sent him an email with this quote, and let him know that I still love him, but have to let him go.  And then I filtered his email to "delete".  It was a big, important step for me.  And I wasn't strong enough to do it, until the day I did.

Since then, I admit to checking my trash.  I did notice that he sent a number of emails, but I didn't really read them.  I rescued them from trash though, and put them in my Adonis folder.  He only emailed that one day.  He hasn't sent any since.  So hopefully, we are both moving on.

He is still the one on my mind.  I am still in love with him.  I still possess a weak spot I am trying desperately to strengthen before it can be tested.  I am nearly finished my puzzle.  I did go out Friday night with a friend.  I had about four drinks more than I planned, but I was safe and got home safe and behaved like a woman in love with a man who wasn't with her.  And I didn't call Adonis!  I am greatly relieved by all of those things.

I spent the weekend resisting my urge to contact him.  I feel like one moment of hearing his voice would bring so much relief and joy.  And then I think about what he was doing, all the while I felt closer to him and more in love with him and dedicated to him than I had ever before.  I don't even need to look at the screenshots anymore.  Although they are pretty much memorized anyway.  All I have to do is remember.  And the way he treated me after.  Lie after lie after lie.  And the urge goes away.  I have to walk away from this.  I cannot be with a man who cannot see me.  It doesn't matter how much I love him.  I am too old to have the patience necessary.  I showed him all my cards, offered him all of me, and he looked past or behind or ahead...he looked everywhere but at me.  If he had seen me, he would have been able to see and accept my love and devotion.  

I, too, am complicit.  I didn't see him.  Again, I looked everywhere but at what the man was showing me.  I looked at the past, the future, but not at him.  If I had looked at how he was behaving, I would have been able to see his obvious deception.  But that's okay.  I saw it in the end, didn't I?

The end.  That's what this is.  Now if I can just get my heart to believe it, and my body to accept it, I can end this heartbreak diary.  I will be healed.

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Nine

 In the deep, dark cocoon of early morning, my waking thoughts continue to be of him.  I still fall asleep every night with thoughts of him on my mind.  It's no wonder I continue to dream of him.  This feeling in my heart, however, continues to be supplanted by the reality of him.

He continues his desperate pleas for attention.  Beginning with messages of love and begging for reconciliation and culminating with anger and blame.  Sometimes it takes minutes for him to turn, sometimes hours.  I am getting better at not checking.  I am also getting better at not responding.  Or, perhaps, it's only because it's a kid weekend.  I do have a tendency to check first thing in the morning and then in quiet moments throughout the day.  But this weekend Nexen has mostly kept me distracted.  Of course, Adonis thinks I am attending to another man.  I guess I appreciate how much he is showing me his inability to change.  It makes it easier and easier to untangle my heart from his.

This is the latest installment.  I want to answer but I am going to refrain...by answering it on here.  Lol.

"A real relationship is the one where your love for your partner is much higher than your ego. Where your understanding of each other‘s feelings is greater than your conflicts. Where your emotional bonding is so strong that the fights cannot survive for longer than a few minutes. Where there is so much intimacy, honesty and freedom that there’s no room for jealousy. Where you respect each other‘s personal space where there’s no space for a third person to come in between. A real relationship is the one where the treasure and treat which of his heart as your own. A real relationship is not a struggle for control domination of power. It is a struggle for making your bond stronger and stronger each day with more love, peace and harmony. A real relationship as we’re both partners and at peace just by being with our children and where the conflicts of fights end up and each other’s arms."

That first sentence, this was true for me, not so much for him.  Therefore, the relationship was real for me, and not for him.  Which makes it false for both of us, but I couldn't or wouldn't see that.

That second sentence I worked to make true for me.  And where I couldn't understand, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  We see how that worked out for me.

Sentence three makes me laugh, because a) it's just stupid.  Even with the strongest "emotional bonding", you can still have arguments that last more than a few minutes.  And b) I am the one who tried to bring us emotionally closer, through couples counseling, and he is the one who refused to attend after two sessions when he "learned everything he needed to know".

Sentence four is impossible with him.  I made love to him more than 10 times over the course of our last day together and he STILL texted another woman that he wanted her while I was lying in bed waiting to make love to him.  And even before that, I could be in his bed with him the entire weekend but if I picked up my phone to check a message he would become upset.  Of course, now I understand why.  He thought I was capable of doing what he is capable of doing, which I am not, nor will ever be.

Sentence five is a contradiction in and of itself.  Respecting space is exactly where the room comes in, but it's the trust and love that you have for each other which maintains this space peacefully.

Sentence six is hilarious.  If he is telling me all these things because he thinks I am the one who dishonored these "relationship tenets" then his delusion could not be more grandiose.  I absolutely held his heart carefully and never even thought of doing any of the things he was doing, thought of doing, would eventually do (it seems obvious to me now), or that he accused me of doing because he was insecure about what he himself was doing.

Control or domination of power?  I don't even know what he's talking about here.  I never did anything in that relationship in the least bit controlling or dominating.  I am at a loss.  Again, maybe he's thinking  of his own actions and projecting them on to me.

This is also a weird, contradictory sentence.  A struggle to make your bond stronger with peace, love and harmony?  Just, what?

And the final sentence.  Really ties it all together.  "A real relationship as we’re both partners and at peace just by being with our children and where the conflicts of fights end up and each other’s arms"  First of all, horrible grammar.  Second of all, "our children"?  Um.  We didn't have any child together, much less children.  I know (now) this is the root of a lot of his malcontent and insecurity.  Why he wanted me to be pregnant right away.  Because he couldn't stand that I had kids with other men and not him.  

My darling Adonis, take these relationship tenets and feed them to someone else.  Stand by them, be true to each other, enjoy your children.  I am getting off this ride.