Something

There has to be
Something
I can do
To get this feeling
Out of my head
Out of my body

Except
I can't
Even
Identify it

I don't know
What's wrong
With me
This morning

But it's something.

I hope
I figure it out
Very soon.

Love

I looked for you in poetry
I looked for you in dreams
I looked for you in tears
I looked for you in screams

I looked for you in heartache
I looked for you in happiness
I looked for you in gluttony
I looked for you in emptiness

I looked for you in pain
I looked for you in pride
I looked for you in nature
I looked for you inside

And now
I've found you
I can see you
But I want to run and hide

I've found you
I can feel you
Something new has come alive

I've found you
I can hold you
But never long enough

I've found you
I can love you
I just can't speak my words

I've found you
I can lose you
Was I better off just looking?

I Love You

But you don't know
I'm too afraid
To show it
Because at every pass
I seem to blow it
And every time
I expect
You'll never
Speak to me again
And in bracing myself for that
I hold back
And the cycle continues

And maybe
I'm right this time

I have failed
At every relationship
I have ever had
Yet
Somehow
You are surprised
When I don't know
How to properly
Diffuse conflict

If I had that skill
I would probably still be married

Yet I know
That this issue
We keep having
It's not 100% me,
It's just not.
You may be great at talking
But listening
Seems to be a problem

If you ask me to speak,
Then let me speak.
If, after 10 minutes of framing words in my head
And trying to get them out of my mouth
To answer a question of yours,
You cut me off
And accuse me of not trying
When I've just stated that I am
And, honestly,
Went through a lot just to be near you
And when I got there
You didn't even want me to face in your direction
Or touch you
Or breathe...

Fuck.

I would never
Put myself
Through this insanity
I would never
Compromise my family
Create rifts with my children
For someone
I didn't love
With my whole heart

But now
I'm starting to wonder
If I'm just being stubborn
At this point

What is so
Fucking
Great
About waiting
Days
That feel like weeks
To see you
And spend time with you
Just to feel this fucking bad

You know why
I am so bad at this?
BECAUSE I DON'T DO IT
It's not worth my time
It's not worth my energy
To try and invest in a relationship
When the beginning is so scary
And unknown
And I have so many things at stake
More than my ego
More than my heart

My family
Their hearts
Their trust
Their respect, even

So I don't engage
I keep it all separate
Dating
My relationships with men
And yes
It's made it harder for us
Because there is no precedent
Our relationship is the precedent

And you don't seem to understand
Why I don't just say fuck it all
I'm the grown-up
I make the decisions
He will be in our lives
Whether you like it or not
It's my house
And I control who comes in and out

The thing is
It's not MY house
It's OUR house
And you're not in MY life
You're in OUR life
And it's not about wanting to be with ME
It's about wanting to be with US

And I've told you that I love you
But I don't know how you feel
Other than you "adore" me
And think I'm "fine" and "hot"

Honestly, I don't even know why
You still talk to me
It's not worth it at all
If there's no love here

I know I love you
And I know I have failed
At proving that to you
I have failed at showing you
I have failed at communicating it to you
So maybe
That's the truth
For which I am looking
I have failed
To love you enough
To make you believe in us
And that's why it's all falling apart
Or always feels like it is

And I don't even know what to do now
But at least my head
Feels a little lighter

Dear Abacus,

You turned fifteen yesterday.  Taking a moment to reflect, I am amazed by our journey, by your strength, resilience and love.  I know I haven't provided you with the easiest life.  You were de facto man of the house at age 6.  There were many times since then that I have lost my way, and as a result, your trust in me has eroded.

I remember the first time my father was knocked off the pedestal upon which I had placed him.  It was a sobering moment, and I was 17.  I was hardly prepared for it.  As a result, I have always tried to keep your image of me grounded in reality.  I have never tried to hide a flaw or project an image of perfection for the sake of my own ego.  I had hoped, that by being real with you, I could spare you the pain of knowing a falling hero, a broken illusion.  And, amazingly, to your credit alone, you love me despite this.

As a parent I am so often torn between protecting you and preparing you.  You are well aware that I err toward the side of preparation.  When you lose a parent, that transition is difficult enough without then having the realization that they never taught you how to be truly self-sufficient.  But I am realizing perhaps I  should have been more balanced, as I discover you identify as a lone wolf.  And as I find myself still alive and here for you.

You often express you wished you had an older brother.  I know why.  It's hard to have the burden you have on your shoulders.  Yes, it's made them very strong, but you don't feel you have anyone to share it with and, sometimes, it would be nice to have someone to give you some advice.  Or have dealt with or be able to deal with a specific issue you are facing.  Or just someone you trust implicitly with whom you can talk (who isn't your parent, the root of more than a few problems which warrant discussion).

I have to admit these teenage years are difficult for me so far.  As you grow into humans who lash out and judge and develop your own lives and identities as more than my children I find myself stepping back, hiding a little.  I find myself detaching out of fear of rejection.  But I also find myself in awe of the person you have become.  I find myself proud of your accomplishments and excited for your future.  I find myself nostalgic for the little boy who wouldn't let me put him down but grateful that I never really did despite people admonishing me and letting me know that I was spoiling you.  I believe that level of physical devotion and love as an infant, baby and young child provided a foundation of emotional support that helped to prepare you for all the hardships we have known and all the times we've been apart.

I compare myself to you and I feel like I am nothing.  Or at best, minuscule.  And then I remember a few things.  One, I should never compare myself to someone else.  My only measure should be against me.  Two, you are my son.  And all that awesomeness didn't materialize out of thin air, I had a tiny part in it.  Three, you love me in a way that doesn't exist in a vacuum.  So I can't possibly be nothing.

Here's to our decade and a half of life together.  I love you more than I can express through writing and in more dimensions than we currently know exist.

Mama

Monday

Today felt like a hangover
But I didn't have a drink
It felt like a cold night
With wet blankets
It felt like everything
Was just
Slightly
Off
And honestly
At this point
I just want it to be over

And I think about
How many nights
Until I get to wake-up
Next to you
Or even
Just lay down
Beside you
And it's depressing

But then I think
About my life
Before you
And I realize
I should just
Be fucking grateful
I've come this far

Yet resentment
Courses through
And explodes out
Angrily
And it's unfair
Of course
To let it explode
All over them
Because it's not their fault
They don't trust me
And,
By extension,
Him
It's my fault
And I know that
I feel it
So deeply

I just wish
They could see
Feel
Understand
The difference
Between who I was
Just a few months ago
And who I am becoming

Except
Of course
They can't see it now
They won't see it now
Because it's not there anymore
Now I'm just afraid

I can't be there
And he'll get tired of waiting
And it's not that I'll be back where I started
Because I'm evolving
And it's not that I won't find happiness again
Because I know I would
It's just that we were working
And it was challenging, just to get there
But we persevered
And it's a shame
For all that effort
To have been wasted
So to speak

Anyway,
Monday's almost over
And I'll soon be asleep
So hopefully tomorrow
The sun will be shining
In my heart
Instead of the draining rain

Awakening

Awakening
Is painful
I understand
Why so many people
Choose
To stay asleep

I used to
Consider me
Kind
Selfless
Loving
Compassionate
Self-aware
Humble

And now
Faced with the truth
That I am pretty much
The opposite
I have to admit
It fucking hurts
A lot

There's a part of me
For sure
That wishes
To go backward
And take that easy path
The one
Where anything I do
Or say
Is admired
And loved

The one
Where I was good enough
Just the way
I am

But
We all know
Nine times out of ten
I will take the hard road
Because one thing
I never lied to myself about
Is that
I don't like it easy

So
Here I am
Feeling like shit
And an asshole
And stupid
And insignificant
And weak
And undesirable
And that's not a reflection
On anyone
Except me

The only way
For me to be
A woman
Worthy enough
Is to struggle
Through these feelings
And emerge
On the other side
With new ones

It's far from fun
It's far from easy
But it's entirely necessary
For my transformation
And I fully intend
To transform

But man
This fucking hurts
And I could really
Really
Use a damn hug

It's Lonely Without You

It seems I've forgotten
How to sleep
Through the night

Sucks for me.