Thursday, April 21, 2022

Day One Hundred Eleven: 04/21/1995

 04/21/1995

    When I die it is my wish that in my passing there shall not be pain in any of the hearts of those I love.  The only thing I ever wanted out of life was to bring happiness to the lives of others.  If I accomplished this in any way then my life is complete.  And with the ending of it I do not want the happiness to cease.  I want there to be joy in memory, not tears.  The one thing that hurt me most was for me to bring pain or sadness upon those that I love.  When I was sick I did everything I could so as not to convey the actual pain and suffering I was enduring, so as not to make anyone feel bad for me.  This is not what I wanted then, nor what I want now.  Just remember me, cherish the memory, and keep love and hope and happiness in your hearts always.


Wednesday, April 20, 2022

Day One Hundred Ten: Undated Sketchbook Story from 2011

     In the natural world, there is a division between organisms which are mobile and those which are immobile.  Going further, it is generally understood that land masses and bodies of water are immobile.  This would make the following story impossible, versus merely improbable.  However, within the human mind, there is nothing which is truly impossible.

    Back in a time when land masses and bodies of water were yet unnamed, and all creatures were free to roam as they pleased (within the confines of the natural order) there was a mountain, who can only be described as majestic.  He stood taller and more grand than any other mountain and everyone and everything looked up to him, quite literally.

    At this time in the world, everything was motile, even a mountain.  It was not a simple thing, however, for a mountain to move.  It took great strength and will, and a lot of time.  So our most majestic mountain, always curiouss, was surveying the world around him.  One day he noticed a particularly sparkly lake.  eing the tallest in the world, he had a great vantage point.  But even so, he felt compelled to take a closer look.  What could be making this lake so extraordinarily shiny?  He had to know.

    The lake was aware she drew the attention of many creatures.  It was a bittersweet situation for her because so many creatures, over the years, had drowned or nearly drowned in her.  She didn't really understand why these creatures would jump in with such wreckless abandon, not even knowing if they could swim.  Her best friends were the trees, and over time they tried to protect her form this sadness by hiding her in their shade.  And as they grew taller, less and less creatures were killed in this manner.  But still, the lake was sad.

    The mountain watched the lake with great interest as he made his approach.  The trees began to whisper to her and she began to notice he was growing larger in her day by day, his reflection, that is.  

    Then one day, the mountain began to speak to her.  She had never heard a voice such as his, nor had she felt a presence so strong and grounded.  She knew the mountain was moving toward her and she consulted with the trees.  In the end, the lake asked the trees to step aside, and she began to move toward the mountain.

    The thing about a moving mountain, is that it causes a lot of destruction as it moves.  This is why they normally do not move.  But this mountain was so ocmpelled it not only moved, it moved with surprising speed.  You know, for a mountain.

    The lake snesed and felt this destruction and became unsure.  She wanted nothing more than to continue to move toward the mountain so that one day he could know the depth of her waters, for she knew he would not drown.  But, over time, so many people had been hurt by her, directly or indirectly, she didn't know if she could bear any more pain like this.

    But the mountain, the mountain knew only of looking fowrard and not of looking back.  That's not to say he didn't care about the destruction, but he had such a different vantage point than the lake.  He could see so many things that she could not, and he would share these visions with her, and she thirsted for more of of this knowledge.  She knew she would forever after reflect the image of the mountain in her waters, and she hoped that someday he could come to swim in them.

    

    

Tuesday, April 19, 2022

Day One Hundred Nine: 04/19/2021

 04/19/2021

"Think about who you are really doing this for."

I am doing this for myself and everyone who finds themselves in my presence.  I am doing this for my children.  I am doing this for my future life partner.

Monday, April 18, 2022

Day One Hundred Eight: 04/18/2016

 04/18/2016
6:30ish p.m.

    I am at a pizza place with the baby.  Sorry about the last few pages, I was inspired to write while I was walking to work.  It's probably nearly illegible since I was literally walking as I wrote.

    The baby is transfixed by some show on my phone.  It is cold in here, but sitting outside is not good for my allergies.  I am ingesting greasy fries.  It doesn't feel good but I am hungry and they are here.

    I joined a dating site last week at Enrique's prompting.  I don't imagine you'll be particularly happy with the news.  You just live so far away though and I barely get to see you.  Although if I cancelled less I'd see you more, I realize that.

Sunday, April 17, 2022

Day One Hundred Seven: 04/17/2005

 17 April 2005

Hello Samurai.  This is my journal I am writing for you for when you grow-up.  You are now one month and two days old.  We've already had a great scare as I had to take you to the emergency room when you were two weeks old.  Today was a more fun first though, your first concert!  Papa performed with Burdown at Chestnut Hill College and your brother got to get on stage for one song.  You slept most of the time but we had fun.  We're planning a trip to the beach soon!  Anyway, I'll write again sooner or later with an update on your infant life.

                                                                                                            I love you!
                                                                                                                 Mama

17 April 2005

Hi Abacus.  I am really tired so this is going to be short but I haven't written since your baby sister was born one month and two days ago.  You are ever so sweet with her and I can't wait until you are old enough to play together.  I think you'll get along famously.

Today you saw your Papa perform for the very first time.  It was a fun little concert.  During one song Papa put you on his shoulders while he was rhyming.  I wish I had brought the camera.

So I am exhausted and need to get ready for bed.  I love you.

                                                                                                                Mama

Saturday, April 16, 2022

Day One Hundred Six: Undated Sketchbook Poetry from 2011

 


The way
Plants
Grow
Toward the sun
I turn to you
And your brilliance
Warms me
And helps me to grow

I've never been
So hungry
For anything
As I am 
For moments
With you

All my life
Men have been attracted
To my authenticity
(Though they probably
weren't aware
that was the attraction)
And
In turn
I have been repelled
By their lack of it

You
Are so real
And so true
I feel as though
I've dreamt you
Except
Who you are
Eclipses
Even my
Imagination

Friday, April 15, 2022

Day One Hundred Five: 04/15/2021

 04/15/2021
5:14 a.m.

I had a dream it started out with me asking for donations at a Vietnamese restaurant for Sami's dance school auction and then I had lunch at another Asian place with Cristina from MD but I saw Gwen leave and GBDC students eating there and somehow Cristina knew them.  Then before I left I saw my sister there.  I tried to order what Cristina ordered but I had to use a touch screen and I messed it up even though I had written notes in front of me.

Anyway something else happened I can't really remember with regard to some Star Wars collectible item or something.

Then somehow I ended up in like an open air market - unless my timeline messed-up and I was getting GBDC certificates after all the other stuff - and I got really, really lost and some guy grabbed a key off a board and wanted me to go in a room with him and I started running but got lost in a deeper, shadier area and I ran right into some sort of sex worker area and they tried to get me to work for them.  One trans person pulled out their penis and told me to suck it as they tried to hide the bumps, etc. on it.  Luckily, it was interrupted by the boss lady who tried to get me to change my clothes and I ran away.  I was getting away but I ran through some kids and they grabbed one of the little girls like they were just going to use her so of course I stopped but then I saw the girl was like 5 and I was like no way are they going to use her and I started running again and I got surrounded by a group of guys and somehow ended up on a train and I said a prayer to God (out loud and little crazy like so they would back off) and I jumped off the train.  They were laughing and I was falling as I woke-up.

Nasty dream.