Day Ninety-Eight: 04/08/2015

 04/08/2015

5:15 a.m.

    I woke-up around 2 this morning.  I consider that a win given last night I woke-up at 12:30 and couldn't go back to sleep.  And the landlord came to fix the washing machine so I've been very productive doing laundry and cleaning.  Now that my alarm's gone off I've made some tea and I will attempt to alleviate my brain somewhat with a small purge.

    So.  T.  I have been too lenient in allowing fondness to grow to slight obsession.  It's just that, on paper, he has been so perfect.  Almost too perfect.  Just. Like. (Him).

    So the question is...is this red flag real or imagined?

Day Ninety-Seven: 04/07/2020

 04/07/2020

9:30ish p.m.

Well it's been less than a year.  That's better than three years at least.  I'm going to read the last entry quickly, for the purpose of continuity and also, to appease my curiosity.

Okay, so that was quite the entry.  I made myself cry, although that's not very hard to do - as you are well aware.  

I wasn't always so emotional, but it doesn't mean I didn't feel.  It just meant I didn't react.  Not reacting deprived me of a lot of comfort and advice at times in my life when I really needed it.  Even though you kids laugh and make fun of me, or get scared or uncomfortable at times when the emotion is extreme, I am happy I express emotion now.  Because it was tearing my insides apart to hold it in.

Anyway the world has been taken over by a virus.  We have spent the last month all quarantined together.  It's actually been really wonderful for me in certain ways - so incredibly difficult in others.  You're the only one who gets to go out on a regular basis.  You are getting lots of hours at work though, so that's good.

You just celebrated your one year anniversary with Kim.

You are still the most amazing big brother and oldest son.  Life feels calm desipite the storm, and I think that's because we all feel safe and happy together for the most part.

I know you deal with a lot.  We still don't talk too much.  But when things get serious, we manage.  I will keep trying to do better.  You just keep loving us through our faults.  It will all work out in the end.

                                                                                                                     Love,

                                                                                                                    Mama

Day Ninety-Six: A Trio of Undated Old Poetry

(1)

Every smile hides a tear

Every laugh smothers a cry

Never have I had such fear

As when I look in my own eyes

(2)

The young girl laughs

To hide her tears

All her hopes

And all her fears

What she sees

And what she hears

What goes on

Over the years

(3)

In this world no one is seeing

There are children that are bleeding

Is it silence that we're breeding?

Just because no one is seeing

In this world no one is seeing

There are dying people needing

This degredation are we feeding?

Just because no one is seeing

Day Ninety-Five: Undated Sketchbook Musings

I don't have much for the next couple of days.  Just some quick entries from 2021.  So I'm going to go with some more interesting, but undated stuff.

Is love rooted in reality or is it the stuff of dreams?  My love didn't just grow up and reach for the sky, it rooted me deep into the reality of life and gave me strength to truly grow.  I tried to prune my love for him, cut parts of it off and make it nice and neat.  But damn if it didn't just keep growing and where I tried to cut back and shape it's growth it went extra wild and shouted "set me free".  He tells me he'll be happy if I uproot it and plant it in someone else's yard, but I know that it would die.  Some plants flourish where they are because that's where they were meant to be.  There are plenty out there who will bloom and grow just anywhere you put them but my existence has taught me that sometimes there are things which only grow under special conditions.  Not anyone can just grow any plant, it takes attention and patience and love.  Then there are particularly high maintenance plants and I never thought of myself as high maintenance but now I see what a delicate flower my love has always been. Very few people ever made it blossom and couldn't see the beauty of what it would come to be.  And now that all of those special conditions were met it grew - upward, outward, inward.  It blossomed into the most amazing thing I could ever imagine - the stuff of dreams.  It can't ever be uprooted though.  It will only die.  So it will live and thrive only planted in his yard.  But he no longer needs to tend to it the way he once did.  The roots are so deep now they reach the water and nourishment inherent in the earth and it can feed itself and continue to grow.  It needed extra time and care to grow so much but finally it did and even through the cold and dry spells with which nature challenges life, this love is now strong enough to hold its own.  So now he can go on and tend to new flowers in his garden but any time he should look back she will still be growing strong and beautiful right where he left her.  He's a fool to think anyone but him could have made her grow the way she did.  There were people who tried and people who thought they were trying when she was dying before their very eyes.  All the beauty she has come to know and blossom into is the work of his skilled hands.  She was given everything she needed to grow up strong and beautiful over the past few seasons and though this winter is a little hard, as winters usually are for those who succumb to nature's cycles, the spring thaw is bound to bring the most glorious flowering this plant has ever known.  Never has she been more full and more grounded and more ready to open up and show the world her true and special beauty.  And she's ready for him to move on and plant new flowers in his garden.  She knows when it's hard for her to see in the shade of the new flowers all she has to do is reach for the sun.  She will always remember the lessons of her love and what it takes to continue to grow in the absence of special attention.  She did grow a bit dependent on the nourishment he so readily provided but now it's someone else's turn to claim that special extra time and care.  She was afraid for a while she might wither and die but she knows now how strong she is and feels how deeply rooted she's become.  And who knows, maybe if she keeps growing and reaching for the sun he'll decide she's more beautiful than all the other flowers in his garden and when he's finished planting he'll look at all the pretty flowers and come back and spend some time looking at her again.  It's possible that's just the stuff of dreams but dreams are a sort of nourishment especially when reality is bitter and cold.  And so this love is rooted in reality AND the stuff of dreams.  And this is what makes it TRUE LOVE.

Sometimes in life, it's a forever thing.

Day Ninety-Four: 04/04/2015

 04/04/2015

5ish p.m.

Hi NexNex - 

    So much has happened!  You have been having regular overnights with your father.  You even went on a family vacation to St. Augustine in Florida and got to hold a baby alligator.  You said they were "awesome".

    You are getting so big!  You are working on all sorts of toddler skills and I'm so proud of you.  Things are going well and you seem well adjusted and happy.  You are extremely messy though!  I'm hoping you will grow out of that.

    Your favorite things right now are jellybeans, Spiderman, The Avengers, Word Girl, cars and trucks, and cutting.

    You know all your letters but you are still working on perfecting the alphabet song.  You can recognize some numbers and you can count to 13.  You are good with shapes and basic colors too.

    Life with Nexen is good!

                                                                                                                    😄

                                                                

                                                                                                                    I love you!

                                                                                                                    Mama

Day Ninety-Three: 04/03/2020

 04/03/2020

10:34 a.m.

Dear R,

    It's been a few days since I have written but I have been reaching out a bit more in real life.  There is a thing that's kind of weird which I realized this morning.  A few people have asked me to do a Zoom happy hour with them.  The idea sounded great, but then when it came time I bailed.

    I am afraid of something, but I am not 100% sure what.  I have been feeling safe and grounded (outside of stress and homeschool frustration).  I don't know why but it feels really hard to open up my world and "see" anyone else.  Even just on a video screen.

    I might actually meditate on this one for a while.  Try to figure out my real source of fear.  I am pretty sure it's important for me to still connect with other people.

                                                                                                                Love, Mee

Day Ninety-Two: 04/02/2019

 I didn't want to do the same year, but it's the only April 2nd entry I have in my journals.  Oh well.

04/02/2019

5:34 a.m.

    Okay, so.  I am going to start.  Not sure how much I will get through in the time alloted, but I need to at least start.  I have been holding it all in for too long.

    

    It has been a tumultuous few days.  Even more so than usual.  I keep paging back through my journal for a point of reference and all I see is pain, some turmoil, and more pain.  And I get that I am not necessarily chronicaling the good parts.  But the bad parts are coming so much more swiftly.  It's all coming crashing down.  Good news is, we never let it get too high in the first place.

    I will go back to Friday because I don't remember how I was feeling Thursday morning.  I imagine I felt good, and I was going to write about how my feelings had shifted.

    In thinking about shifting feelings, my mind drifts to Dr. Jeanette and her inner child and inner sage theories.  I don't know if I've said it in this book, but I've spoken before about feeling like my inner child and D's innner child made a pact to love each other.  But, being children, they can only communicate when D and I allow them, and our hurt, angsty adult selves get in the way.

    

    But I digress.

    Actually, I am going to take a break and shower.  Hopefully I come back to this because I really, really need to reflect on all that's been happening over the past few days.

                                                                                                               💗Mee

The love

That lies within

It cries to him

Please

Stop killing me

9:11 a.m.

    So many thoughts in my head I had to stop on my walk to work.  I realize why this relationship has been so damn hard.  Because we've been fighting over a wall this whole time.  My wall.  My boundary defense system.

    I let him in a little.  Then quickly try to rebuild.  Brick by brick he worked on getting that wall down but to me at times it felt like an assault.  After a time I worked on breaking the wall down from my side.  It was hard work and I hated it.  I feel unsafe so much of the time and I swear my wall protects me.  But when I am in his arms I feel no need for a wall.  It's the strangest thing.  But then by contrast, when his arms are closed to me I need to build twice as fast.  I'm exhausted.  I think he's probably exhausted too.

    I've forgetten how to feel safe in the world by myself.  Or perhaps I never knew.  I don't know what I want again.  I don't know what I am doing.  But I am so very tired of all the pain.  So very, very tired.

                                                                                                                💗Mee.