Monday, March 7, 2022

Day Sixty-Six: 03/07/2015

 03/17/2015
9:27 am

    Waiting for Samurai at the orthodontist and then off to ballet.  Boys are home together.  It was only 14 degrees outside so I didn't want to bring Nexen out (plus he was sleeping).

    I had to take a giant step back with T because I think we inadvertently jumped into really deep water and the last thing I want is for us to drown so soon.  That being said, I owe him an email from that night so I'll go do that.

                                                                                                                            Mee

Sunday, March 6, 2022

Day Sixty-Five: 03/06/2015

I think what's bothering me about these entries is that the beginning of March seems to be when I start giving up on my introspective phase and trying to reinsert myself into the world.  Other than the years with the tumultuous relationship garbage, the theme of March appears to be dating and new relationships.  Go figure.

03/06/2015
3:08 p.m.

    Today I'm home for snow closing.  Getting some cleaning done.  Still talking to T on email though I cooled it down for both our sakes.  He sent me a video of his puppy playing in the snow.  It was so cute.

                                                                                                                                Mee

Saturday, March 5, 2022

Day Sixty-Four: 03/05/1996

Five Oxymorons

The living dead
echo
their mirthful wail
and sorrowful laughter
throughout
the confined expanse
of their birthing coffin

Friday, March 4, 2022

Day Sixty-Three: Undated Old Poem "Perpetual Emotion"

I couldn't do it another day in a row.  The content of my early March entries thus far is trash.  So I am going to pull out an undated poem to break up this cluster of subpar drivel.  This poem is really old.  I might have posted it before, somewhere.  I don't know.  I'm depressing my current self with my past self right now.  Hopefully I can turn things around over the next few days.  If not, I'm going to have to come back to this when I am feeling stronger and more confident.  😅

Look at the faces
See the radiant smiles
Covering the deepening frowns
See the twinkling eyes
Hiding old and new tears
See the innocent expressions 
Darkened by the knowledge of sin

Listen to the voices
Hear the boisterous laughter
Tinged with malignant malice
Hear the lighthearted happiness
With a hint of terminal anger
Hear the sweet whispered promises
Over the cry of now broken ones

Now sniff the air
Smell the perfumed lady
Her natural scent of pain
Smell the crisp, cool clean
Underneath is sickness
Smell the fragrant flowers
Mingling with the stench of death

Sample the elements
Taste the solid earth
And gulp the open air
Taste the sobering rain
And then digest dry land
Taste the burning fire
And swallow frozen ice

Finally, touch the world
Feel the beating hearts
Of young and old alike
Feel the rhythmic breathing
Of the world, a living being
Feel the soothing, striking motion
Of perpetual emotion



Thursday, March 3, 2022

Day Sixty-Two: 03/03/2021

 The beginning of March seems to be a quiet time for me in terms of personal journaling.  Not really sure why.

03/03/2021 @ 8:31 p.m.

I'm exhausted.  Long day.  Not enough sleep over the past couple days.

Trying to pull myself out of an impending funk.  Here's to the better me showing up!

Wednesday, March 2, 2022

Day Sixty-One: 03/02/2010

 So, it was a real toss-up because my two entries were from 2010 and 2014.  We already know from yesterday I'm not feeling great about that 2010 version of me but the 2014 version...well...she's just gotten on an internet dating site and...I just probably shouldn't post that one.  So we'll do 2010 me just to reinforce how pathetic I was being.  In case it hasn't sunk in yet.  All I can say is, I am SO GRATEFUL 2022 Mee is not still stuck in that place.  It hurts to remember how hard it was to go through, get through, get over and get real.  All I have to do now?  Stay real!

03/02/2010

So tonight doesn't feel as good.  He said he wanted to see me but seems he's changed his mind.  Oh well.

I didn't expect but I found myself hoping.

Hey Jen:  you're an idiot.

Thanks self.

Tuesday, March 1, 2022

Day Sixty: 03/01/2010 and 03/01/2021

 Made it to month three!  I am really very impressed with myself.  This has been good for my soul though, I suppose that's why I keep doing it, with regularity.  If only I could be so consistent with exercise...I would have my body AND my mind in shape.  Someday, perhaps...#goals2023 😉

Also, I CAN'T STAND the version of me I keep meeting from 2009-2010.  It's really cringeworthy stuff.  I try not to post much from that time (kinda like how 2012 is a lot of madness), but sometimes it's all there is.  And I have definitely chosen NOT to put some of it out there, opting for an undated or something alternate, but I no longer get to choose who I was, only who I become.  So for that reason, I'm just going to go ahead and let it all hang out there today.  

But, for the record, I am not a fan of the version of me whose entire emotional state is centered around whether I get attention from some man.  I am SO GLAD I have outgrown that (you know, for the most part 😓)!

03/01/2010

It's crazy how the writing on the oppose page is five months old yet are feelings that have cycled through again and again.

I'm excited I feel maybe I'm reaching a new plateau but the only way to really know is to see whether the cycle repeats itself.

Tonight he alluded to hanging-out but I held no hope or expectation.  He finished work too late and I found I wasnt disappointed.  I guess I'm a bit nervous about seeing him anyway given the recent changes in my state of mind.  More on that later though, sleep is in order!


03/01/2021 @ 9:49 p.m.

"Be yourself, everyone else is already taken."  -Oscar Wilde

I am okay with working on this.  That says everything!