Day Thirty-Eight: 02/07/2019

 02/07/2019

6:27 p.m.

    What a difference a day makes!  Also, I did a lot of work.  Writing.  Reaching out to friends.  Exercise.  I even spoke at an open mic.  I went for a walk with my friend.  Turned the tide of thoughts regarding Drew back to positive and hopeful.  Went to see him.  Talked about a lot.  Talking still feels awful.  I still feel like my progress is wiped away in his eyes if I backslide, and I don't think that's fair.

    

    I need to explain that my mindstate fluxuates.  He is baffled by my inherent contradictions.  Prideful but self-loathing.  Stubborn but insecure.  He feels like they are opposing and/or mutually exclusive.

    I don't like when he makes callous, contradictory statements either.  I need, though, to focus on myself and my issues and not worry about him and whether he has any.  He blames any completely on me, so I get myself further along and the truth will reveal itself.

    As long as I love him, I need to make the choice to show up and stick it out.  Because, to him, my protecting myself and bringing my world back into balance is me deserting him.  Is me telling him with my actions that I don't love him.  That's not what it is for me, and maybe someday we can compromise.  Someday when I am able to speak my perspective in a way he will understand.  Or perhaps...

    My mind wandered and I forgot what I was going to say.  Dr. Jeanette is going to call soon for a Facetime therapy session.  I don't like needing people.  But I need her and I need Drew and I need my friends and I need my dear, sweet children.  It's still very hard to admit that I need people...

                                                                                                      💗 Mee

Day Thirty-Seven: 02/06/2019

    "Find me." She begged of him.  Not loudly enough to hear, of course.  In fact, she is only begging with her heart, her soul.  Not with her voice.  Mainly, because her voice is held by fear.  Her voice is chained by shame, embarrassment.  By feelings of unworthiness.  She no longer even remembers being able to speak.  If her tears were gifted the power of speech, she would have so much to say.  It seems she would never shut up.

Day Thirty-Six: 02/05/2012

 02/05/2012

"Understanding emptiness makes things soft, then compassion makes new shape." -Dalai Lama

Day Thirty-Five: 02/04/2012

 02/04/2012

7:57 a.m.

    It's been very hectic, this life of mine.  Randy's mom has been really sick with her heart and ended-up in the hospital...

    I took the children to my parent's house.  My boss was nice enough to let me have the day off to go see her.  Well, to take Randy.  She hadn't told any of her friends so she was there all alone.  If Randy and I hadn't gotten there she would've been alone all morning.  I feel as though we did a really good thing, and I'm happy for that...

    When I dropped the kids off, I told my parents the extremely abridged version of me and Nexen's Dad.  They didn't really know what to say.  Not a surprise.  They seemed sympathetic I guess, it's hard to tell with them.  They didn't put it on me, at least not to my face, for being stupid, etc.  So that's really the best I could hope for.  My wrist is going numb as I'm writing.  😢

    Anyway the whole reason I started to write this morning was to do more work on forgiveness.  There are two main people I need to forgive.  Sal and my parents.  Yeah, my parents count as one person because that's how I see them.  I am still hopeful that someday I might meet someone who completes my life in such a way our children see us as one unit like that.

    Anyway, Chapter 3 of my forgiveness book, "Why Forgive and the Consequences of Not Forgiving" (That's the chapter title, not the book title), instructs you to write down your answer to the question, "Why forgive?".

    I want to forgive because I feel like anger and resentment are keeping me from evolving spiritually.  I want to forgive because I want my children to learn by example.  I want to forgive because I believe the world/universe is ruled by love and compassion, and every step I take away from that keeps me disconnected.  I want to forgive because I want to feel better about myself and my relationshiops.  I want to forgive because I WANT TO STOP HURTING!

Day Thirty-Four: 02/03/2020

 02/03/2020

9ish a.m.

    I am on the train back from NJ dropping off Nexen.  We were late so we ran from the train and I ran back to the train.  I am still sweating.  Gross.

    Anyway I haven't written yet this year.  It's hardly because there's been a lcak of things to write about.  The issue has been more my unwillingness to think about things too deeply.

    I still am uncertain how much I am willing to explore.  I think because I know the answers contradict how I am feeling.  Yet, I know what must be done.  I have just been unwilling to do it for so long because I joined my heart to the one I love without thought for what such a union would look like.  And every time I examine it, I see only what won't work.  I have to end this to find what will.  I just loathe the task because my heart aches for him so.

                                                                                                                                       💗 Mee

Day Thirty-Three: 02/02/2021

From a Zelda's Writing Workshop Prompt

My metamorphasis

Has been halting

And incomplete

I peek out

From my coccoon

And watch

The others fly

But I

Still don't fully trust

My wings

As a caterpillar

I am surprised 

Constantly

That I've

Escaped

Death

It is that

Mentality

Which follows me

And keeps me

From flying

Day Thirty-Two: 02/01/2012

Well, I made it through the first month!  I am actually pretty impressed with myself in this regard.  Life has gotten pretty hectic and my mood I need to work hard to keep in check.  But this consistency, this is a very good omen for the year ahead.  This is a short little entry but it echoes a little of how I hope to feel today. I can feel the tendrils of depression reaching for me and I'm trying to stay out of reach a little longer.

02/01/2012

Good Morning!  It is a very good morning.  Up at 5 a.m. and out of the house by 5:30.  Randy's mom is in the hospital.  I will find out if they have evening hours and take the kids to see her if they do.

Most importantly, though, I was able to shake free of the sadness encroaching.