Day Ten: 01/10/2012

There are a lot of entries from 2012 because it was such a hard year I had to write practically every day.  This one is edited a bit for other people's privacy.

"...I am in failure.  The world is in failure.  Your system has failed you.  Now I see your problems exist not because one side of your conflict is right and the other is wrong, but because you're looking at each other as if you're in opposition.  You are not.  Neither of you has the answer... What you need to do is experience your misery so you can lift yourself up.  Nature spirals in and out of failures, each one leading to the rebirth of something new.  There's nothing final in failure, it moves into success, dark into the light and back again."  from An Obese White Gentleman in No Apparent Distress pp. 237-8.

9:07 p.m.

I have somehow managed to misplace all of my pens so that I am currently misusing my art pen.  Aikido was good tonight except somehow I hurt my groin.  I have no idea how.  I was fine in class.

I wanted to work late but I am exhausted.  I will go in early tomorrow.  Seriously early.  Even though Ab will not be happy because I said I'd wake him up.  Hopefully he'll be awake or wake-up a little when I get home.

....

I had a moment at my desk earlier today, I wanted more than anything else for Him to just hold me in his arms.  It hurt me a lot, that moment.  I used to feel like I belonged there.  Like everything would be okay if I could just rest there from time to time.  Who could have ever guessed the poison they were pumping into my body by their mere proximity.  Those deceitful arms.

Day Nine: 01/09/2021

 11:16 AM

On An Airplane

Flying to South Carolina to meet up with Adonis and drive home with him.  Didn't realize how it would feel to be on a plane during the pandemic until I got here.

Adonis has been drunk but sweet since he got to South Carolina.

The only person I told about coming here was Shawntay.  She said his mom is nice - she called her while he was sick.  Now it's stuck in my brain wondering if they had a relationship.  I am going to have to ask him.  I have to wait until we are both not drunk though so it doesn't turn into a shit show.

I REALLY want to believe this relationship can work.  But I have this sinking feeling inside.  And there are lies piling up.

I will try my best to be optimistic.

Day Eight: Undated Notebook 2005ish

Reflect my soul

In two dimensions

Shed my clothes

Such odd conventions

An eye for detail

Pay close attention

What lies unseen

Does not escape mention

My past

Shines in my eyes today

My past

Holds hands

With my present

Today

And hugs me

Hello

And promises me

Tomorrow

You won't be

So far away

Again

Because

My days

Of running

From my past

Have ended

My days 

Of running

From myself

Are gone

Today

I look you in the eye

And shake your hand

And present to you

A whole person

Which is remarkable

Because before

I always angled myself

So as to be seen

From only my good side

Which honestly

Wasn't all that good

Day Seven: 01/07/2012

Walking to Aikido class.  Thoughts?  From now on I will stop dwelling darkness and shadows, for that is where predators find me.  I will only follow the path of light.  I this way, I will not only come upon what is light.

10:45 p.m.

"A great civilization is not conquered from without until it has destroyed itself from within."  W. Durant

People, too, cannot be conquered until they have destroyed themselves from within.  There have been points in my life when I very nearly destroyed myself.  There have been points when I lived, devastated.  I think Randall caught me at one of those points, and I was conquered by him.  But, over time, I rebuilt myself, or perhaps, through giving birth, was myself reborn.  The reconstruction ended in his devastation, and I am truly sorry for that.  But I did not know another way.

All my life I gave over things I needed to keep for myself.  It resulted in my destruction, which once I wished upon myself.  I am no longer that person.  Today I find myself worthy.  Deserving.  Today I love myself and want to do right.  I hope tomorrow is like today.  Every tomorrow.

Day Six: 01/06/2012

So 2012 was an extremely rough year for me.  Apparently around this time I was reading "An Obese White Gentleman in No Apparent Distress" by Riki Moss with Terry Dobson because I started out my journal entry with a quote from the book.

"What saved me was what saves all martial men and love.  Martial men are filled with love."

I have been thinking a lot about Sabum nim tonight.  I am very afraid of him.  Walking down the street, I am afraid of running into him.  I feel him seeking me out and it terrifies me.  Where is the love I once knew?  Where is the man to whom I opened my heart and gave over my body and created this baby with?  

Where is the love?

Day Five: 2011 Undated Sketchbook Poem

I couldn't find an official entry for January 5th so here's an undated poem from a sketchbook from 2011.  

How can one rejoice

In times

Such as these

Everything I've found

In the depths 

Of a diseased

And corrupted world

Where no one ever thinks

Of doing anything

Which requires real courage

Because those

Who are courageous

Never think twice

Day Four: 01/04/2008

This is me

Opening up

I'm always

Protecting

My inner me

Except online

Where I allow

One to see

The thoughts

I feel

But lack

The strength

To say

I've no gift 

For communication

Any

Other

Way

But here

I am 

Getting

Out of my head

All

That is always

Left unsaid

Not to mention

How I bare

My broken parts

For anyone to see

But I have always

Loved

From the inside out

Yet

I fight to keep

The outside

From coming in

So if one

Were to come

To know me

From the inside out

Perhaps

I could allow myself

To let them

Come in

So

This is me

Opening up

I'm so sorry

I've been afraid

All these years

Petrified 

Really

I've been absent

Because 

By being present

I give you

The option

To reject me

And I've always

Feared rejection

Like at any moment

Even now that I'm grown

I stand to be dismissed

No longer considered

Your own

It could be the adoption

Or a deeper seated issue

But

I think

I've missed you

All these years