03/19/2012
So here I am at the beginning again. I am still so angry. Or maybe it's that I'm still resentful. I do love myself and my children and this baby. I do not take for granted (much, I think) all that I do in fact have (health, home, money) but I worry because of my situation and how I'm soon not going to be able to make money the way I am now.
I have committed moral crimes in my life. More than I care to think about. I have been blessed to have "gotten away" with what I have.
One thing I have learned for sure is that my writing is dangerous. Too many times it has opened the door to horrible situations. In my writing my feelings come too easily and I have finally come to understand that sharing of my feelings is not always appropriate and can lead to misinterpretation.
I am very angry with myself for allowing these things to happen. I am so angry that I was so easily fooled...again. That self-love thing I never learned, those instincts that were torn away - this couldn't have happened to just anyone. Most other people don't hate themselves as much as I have. Most other people have a voice. Most other people have moral fortitude.
I don't hate myself anymore, most of the time. But it takes work and sometimes I'm just too tired. And hating myself is easiest because I really don't want to hate anyone else.
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