...

Who

Who will it be
That grows old with me
Enjoying the quiet moments
Of an empty house
Still echoing
With the noise of young life

Who will it be
That comes to know me
In the way
That no one ever has
In the way
That no one else
Ever will

Who will it be
That comforts me
When the tears fall
About everything
Or nothing at all

Who will it be
That receives a smile from me
First thing in the morning
And last thing at night

Who will it be
That finds me
Ready to love
Ready to trust
Ready to give over
My particular brand of lust

Who will it be
That captures my heart
And takes my hand
And walks with me
Down this road of life

Do I know you already
Or have we yet to meet

I think I am ready now
Transformation complete.

Dear Drew,

I've been wanting to write a letter and mail it to you, with the socks you've left at my house, but I'm glad that I didn't.  Because until now, everything I wanted to write was to let you know my truth. My reality.  The side of our equation that never added up for you, at least in my perspective. 

I'm glad that I didn't.  Because it would have been a waste of time, I can see that now.  And, I'm sure you've replaced the socks by now if you needed them.

So in this letter, all I want to say (and I won't bother sending it either), is that I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I was so focused on trying to improve myself, that I couldn't see I was losing you in the process.  If I'd had more awareness, I like to think I could have grown both as a person and in our relationship.  But I accept that wasn't our path.

I also want to say thank you.  I was on the road to a really wreckless place, and you lifted me up and provided me safe harbor.  I love you more than you will ever understand, and that's the reason I could never walk away.  As much as my brain wanted me to, and as much as my mouth said I would.

I miss you every day.

Love,
Mee

From Me to Mee

It's so hard

Life is so hard
Without you

It's so hard
And I thought
It was so much harder
With you
Come to find out
I was only okay
Sometimes
Because I had you
And life
It's just hard anyway

Facing Reality

Facing the reality
Of the mistakes I've made
Is the hardest thing
I've had to do

But I want to do better
So I have to face what I've done
And forgive myself
And others in some cases

But your failure to thrive
Is my failure
To do more than just survive
Which
For a while
Is all I thought I could do

But I can do better
And I will do better
And I'm sorry
I let myself go
For so long

I love you.

Goodbye, my love

My heart
Is sore
And tender

My eyes
Are moist
And red

My mouth
Is quiet
And downturned

My remorse
Is deep
And tangible

All the starts
And stops
To prepare me

The full stop
Hurts more than I anticipated.

For you though,
I am happy to end the struggle.

August Passed

August passed
And I didn't write anything
Well, no blogs.

A lot happened though.

I think I'll just say this, about August...

Today

Today feels uncomfortable
Like when the medicine wears off
After surgery
But the next dose
Is hours away

I am not sure why
I feel this sense of foreboding

My heart cries out
Go home
Curl up
Stay out of life's way

My thoughts feel trapped
On a runaway train
Navigating a maze
At a higher than comfortable speed

I hope your day
Feels better than mine

the moments inbetween

i miss you

in those moments

between “Mommy’s Day”

and the next

“Mommy’s Day”

i hope you remember

i’m your Mommy

every day

i reach for your hand

to cross the street

an automatic gesture

as a mother of three

but my hand is met

with air that’s cold

and my heart

feels a little more empty

sometimes

i cry

into your favorite

stuffed animal

sometimes i cry

over a glass of bourbon

today i cry

into words

i made a place for you

in my own body

grew you proudly

despite the shame

of being an unwed mother

i gave to you

all of the love

in my heart

i watch you grow

and that love multiplies

as you give it back to me

in whispers

and in shouts

and when the mornings

are quiet

and empty

the hours

until i see you

stacked against me

when my mind

reaches for comfort

in some thing you said

or did

recorded

in my facebook memories

i facetime you

just to hear you say,

Mommy,

i miss you, too

Taste

I can taste it
Today
The pain
My heart
Bleeding
And broken

It tastes dry
Yet wet
Salty
But bitter
It tastes clear
And red

It tastes like
My empty bed

Broken (By) Words

Your words reach out
And whip me
Some lash once
Some repeatedly
I wince
In pain
In confusion
Eventually
In desperation

I allowed your words
To pummel me
Believing
They are deserved
After all

Until
I realized
They aren't

You posed
As if listening
Yet never
Did you hear 

Had you heard
Your words
Would lose their hard edge
Their stabbing quality
And be soft
And gentle
Like my love
For you

But
One final barrage
You felt broken
And so
Sought
To break me
As well

Congratulations
On that count
You achieved your goal
That litany
Of hurtful assumptions
And projections
Effectively
Broke my heart

The warmth
Is now cold
The love
Is now lost
Only the memories
Are mine to cherish
And hold close
To warm my heart
And I will

I surely will

Oh hai, broken heart.

Once you were glass
That first time you broke
Those shards in my bloodstream
Nearly killed me

I rebuilt you with porcelain
Without realizing
How easily porcelain breaks
And how much the pieces
Rip apart your insides

So I rebuilt you with plastic
Even though
Every parent knows
How much it hurts to step on a lego

I tried again with playdoh
But it couldn't hold the shape of love
And although my heart didn't break
It became amorphous
And I had to rebuild anyway

What shall I use this time?
A composite perhaps?
Rubber?
Foam?

Or maybe
I will just
Be alone.

Uncertainty

Have I ever been sure
About anything?
In this moment
I am uncertain
Of everything
Even that

Is questioning
A part of my growth
Or my demise

Where have I been?
Where am I going?
Where am I now?

What do I do?
Who am I?

How do I live?

Madness
Or clarity
What is this uncertainty?

A bridge to understanding
Or quicksand

I feel so lost
Again...
Always?

Do I always feel this way?
Underneath?
Inside?
Or is there strength somewhere in there
Knowledge
Purpose
Intention

Why can't I grasp
Truth
It slips through my fingers
Like a fistful of sand
It slips from my mind
Like the item I forgot at the grocery store
It slips from my eyes
Just outside of my periphery
So I close my eyes
And search for truth

Mee

I arrive
At this morning
Grateful
And humble
Willing
But still fearful
Yet strong
In the knowledge
I am
No longer
Alone

Mee

I Miss You

I miss
The way
We used to be
And
Before you say it
I know
The fault
Lies with me

I'm giving up
On my greatest love
Because things aren't right within

Because
I'm tired of hurting
Myself and You

 But
My love
I miss you

i’m sad

I love you
I miss you

I want you
I need you

I just can’t tell you

Empty

You withdraw your love
And leave me empty
At every turn
At least
The ones you deem
As me
Turning from you
But
In reality
Never
Do I turn
It's your perception
Poisoning
The present
When the present
Is me
Loving you
Albeit
From a distance
Because work
Because kids
Because life
And if the sum total
Of those things
Is too much
I better
Get used
To being

Empty

Shadow

I was a shadow
Of the woman
I want to be
Until you came
And breathed your love
Into me

It pains me
Sometimes
That I don't remember
Our first time
And so many nights
Between then and now

It soothes me
Though
To know
The crazy nights
Are fewer
And further between

Someday
It could all be
Distant memory

I wonder
At that point
Who will be holding me

...

I despise
That look in your eyes
And that my actions
Put it there

Gentle touch
And soft caress
Turn to stony silence
And troubling egress

Loving glance
Of days now past
Your eyes askance
Mine downcast

My actions stack
You don't forgive
I failed our love
And cease to live

I yet draw breath
But heart is cold
The love we shared
An empty hole

I have been growing
But admit to stumble
I rise again
A lot more humble

I seek your heart
And find it lost
One night of drinking
My greatest love the cost

D3 (I Try)

I try to wrap words

Around this feeling

of love

I carry for you

in my heart

But they fall away

forming a puddle

of useless babble

At my feet

The enormity

Of the emotion

Too intimidating

I try to capture moments

Like a photograph

for proof of the intensity

Of the love

I carry for you

in my heart

But my brain fixates

On the smile in your eyes

Or the joy in your laugh

And the big picture

Is lost

I try to illustrate

Our story in pictures

But my drawings

fall short

Of the truth

The love that I feel

Contorted

by shading and shadow

Reality hides

in the folds of my pen

and the crease of my paper

Still, I offer you this poor attempt

Because you were born today

And that makes this day

More special than others

And I'd like to offer you something

Other than just me

Because I'm yours every day anyway

D2 (My Love)

My amorphous love
Found you
And took shape

My monochromatic love
Found you
And like light through a prism
Transformed

My shallow love
Found you
And deepened

My limited love
Found you
And became unlimited

My old love
Found you
And was made new

You've changed everything
And I will never
Love the same again

Thank you for that

D1

I found this book
Tattered and torn
Battered and worn
But love
Is in these pages
Love
As my heart wages
Rages
Cages
Anything my heart can do
My brain will get mad about

I need a masterpiece
Magic words
Verses of valor
And great worth
But my mind
Is not birthing
Perfection
This night
Your mom did though
30 some years ago
And here I falter
Again and again
Trying to pull a miracle
From paper and pen

A few good lines
Is all I need
But they elude me
And I must concede

Believe It or Not

You
Are the love of my life
I want to get lost
In the beginning of you
And the end of me
As our lives
Continue to grow
Together
I want to know your smile
As my morning nourishment
As the music of your laughter
Sings to my soul
I want only to ease
Any pain or hardship you feel
Not be the cause of it.

I want our love
To walk
Hand in hand
With our sacrifice
Stand on its shoulders
If need be
Not
Be lost beneath its feet

You
Breathed new life
Into my battered heart
Jumpstarted
The dead battery
of Hope
for romantic Love
Rekindled the fire
Between my thighs
Within my chest

With you
I was taken
To new heights
Navigated
New lows
And found
There in between
Was home

Thank you
For your time
Your patience
Your respect
Your love
Thank you
For being you
I love you.

Yeah

Who Am I?

I am the baby
Strangled in her crib
Death interrupted
Sentenced to live

I am the toddler
Learning to walk
First steps ignored
Never bothered to talk

I am the child
Shipped overseas
From burden to gift
Yet I never did see

I am the teenager
Lacking the strength
To prevent the assault
To provide my defense


I am the student
Thirsty but proud
Knowledge is nourishment
Funds didn't allow


I am the young woman
Who looked like a girl
Found strength in solitude
And hid from the world

I am the battered woman
Body painted with bruises
Running again and again
Forever falling for their ruses

I am the soldier
Who left before the war
Heart broken open
Couldn't make the tour

I am the stripper
Who danced to escape
Body on display
Guess I was asking for rape

I am the prisoner
Caged many different ways
The love in my heart
Guided me through the dark days

I am the wife
Had but not held
Too lost to be found
In silence, marriage drowned

Still

I am the baby
Who yet survived
I am the toddler
Who came to arrive

I am the child
Who enjoyed easy days
I am the teenager
Who teachers would praise

I am the student
Professors begged not to go
I am the young woman
Incredible people came to know

I am the battered woman
Whose beatings are in the past
I am the soldier
Who could always outlast

I am the stripper
Whose dance was her art
I am the prisoner
Who was free from the start

And

I am the woman
Who shook the skies
And caused the earth to shiver
When to this world
I did deliver
Son, daughter, son
As two hearts
Made one
Times three
Each birth
More free

And

I am the woman
Who learned to fly
When the voices inside
Would not subside
And I looked through the eye
Of my beholder
And found
Beauty
And strength
And love
Still abound











 

In and Out

I'm not
In and out of love

I am
In and out
Of frustration
Of confusion
Of patience

I'm not
In and out
Of love

I am
In and out
Of energy
Of motivation
Of willingness

I'm not
In and out
Of love

I am
In and out
Of pain
Of turmoil
Of understanding

I'm not
In and out
Of love

Yet you question
Why I am with you
The answer?
Because I'm all in
My love

Old Poetry #11

I built the tracks
But the train derailed
I built the ship
But it never sailed
I took the test
And I always failed
Though the answers stayed the same
I couldn't help but change
See what it would do
If I answered two plus two
With a Katmandu
Or purple tennis shoe
And no one grasped my sense of humor
Checked my brain for some big tumor
Lost my marbles was the rumor
But I laugh inside
Because I can't abide
By standards doubled
Society troubled
Countries rubbled
Thoughts bubbled
And then they popped
Stopped
Dropped
Fell from the sky into the ocean
Washed ashore by perpetual motion
Rubbed in with your suntan lotion
Affected you like a secret potion
And now your mind changed
Expanded
Contorted
And when asked two plus two
It was you who retorted
The grass is blue
The sky is green
In the end
What does it all mean?
Do you know the story of Jack and the Bean?
No, there was no stalk
That part was all talk
To make a good story
Not quite allegory
Just a tall tale
Seeking a fairy
A beast that is hairy
And a maiden of dairy
But I digress...
You're under duress
By society's mess
And civil unrest
Though maybe not best
Is necessary
Just like the fairy in the tale
And the future will show
All that you know and believe to be true
Will ultimately find
And follow you

Emotional. Sledgehammer.

Unknowingly
You wield
An emotional
Sledgehammer

Imagine that peace of mind,
Emotional neutrality,
Is a mountain
I am climbing

I work
So hard
To navigate
All the forces
Of nature
And Mee-made
Obstacles
To reach the summit

It's a slow climb
And I need to rest
From time to time
To recharge

Yet every time
I reach a resting point
Take stock of the journey
Allow myself to feel pleased
With how far I've come
You smack me
With your emotional sledgehammer
And I fall from my perch
Sliding back down the mountain

You look down at me
And question
Why I haven't made progress

This is how I feel today

Bottom

I've bottomed out on tears
On emotion
On fear
On shame
On guilt
On embarrassment
On self-loathing

This is the bottom
I can't get any lower

And I need a fucking hug

A Slave's Dream

I am born of servitude and bloodlust
Freedom was never my birthright
I heard that people dream
Yet my own night's
A scattered scream
I succumb to suffering
Like gravity
A force to be challenged
Only by a change
In planetary motion
I seek comfort
Like others
But question their devotion
I train my mind
To absorb the blows
I train my body
To be still
As the blood flows
I will my mind
To bend like steel
I will my body
To cease to feel
I quiet my mind
As it conjures questions
I quiet my body
As it shouts its objections
I am born
Of servitude and bloodlust
Freedom was never
My birthright
I heard that people dream
I think that really sounds nice

And here we are

And here I am

Floundering

At a loss for words

Actions

Discernment 

Left from right

Or is it 

Right from wrong

I reach for you

And remember

It’s not the right

Night

And I remember

What a mess

I made

When it was

And I question

The world

At large

As well as

The small spaces

In between 

I know

That my life

Is better

With you in it

I doubt

The same

Is true 

For you

And therein

Lay

All the issues

Sad Saturday