Half the Battle

If knowing is half the battle
It certainly is the easy half
Also
What is the other half?
Changing?
Taking action?
Remembering?

All my life
I have hated myself
For reasons
Which failed logically
But won emotionally

And now
After all these years
I am realizing new reasons
Which win logically
And I have to fight
To overcome
Emotionally

I have this fear
Of not living my life
My way
Or on my own terms
The problem is
I don't know
What my way
Really is

I tell myself
I want to walk alone
But inside
The loneliness eats at me
Yet
I don't know how
To open up
And share

I tell myself
Loneliness
Is easier to handle
Than heartbreak

Easier to digest
Than disappointment
Or drama

Easier to ignore
Then a moral imperative
To be a better person
Because the one you love
Deserves better
Than you

I was devastated today
In increasing waves of disgust
As I realized
My willful ignorance
Avoidance
And eventual apathy

I get so tired
Of hating myself
I drink
To forget
Which of course
Creates regret
Because drinking excessively
Will always,
Eventually,
Inflict pain

But the cessation
Of imbibing
Causes me to realize
Just how much
I hate myself
Every moment
Of every day
And then
To realize
I have been hating myself
For all the wrong reasons
Is really, really
Hard to take

So now what?
I have to change
Obviously
I have to let go
Definitely
I have to see
But I can't
I'm so damn myopic
Everything
Has always
Been relegated
To future Mee
But now
I am future Mee
And I don't have the tools
To deal
With a lifetime of procrastination
A lifetime
Of willful ignorance
...

Or do I?