Corners

There's always
Someone
Or something
Around the corner
Sometimes
The corner
Is in your mind
But
Nonetheless
There it is
There they are
And what is good?
What is bad?
In this regard
At times
We stop
And try to peek
Around the corner
At what's to come
What's in store
For us
Other times
We are so
Preoccupied
We round the corner
Without looking at all
At these times
We may miss
What's there entirely
Or
We may crash
Head first
Into what
We never saw coming

I walked blindly
Swiftly
Around the corner
When I collided with you
Now
Cautiously
I try to peek
Around the next bend
I seek out a mirror
For greater clarity
And get distracted
By my reflection
It's changing
The face
Of this woman
Before me
This woman
I see
But hardly knew
Because I always kept her
At arm's length
From everyone
Even
Myself
But now
In preparing
To round this corner
She opens
Ever so slightly
And invites in
A sliver of love
To warm her heart
And dry her tears
To grant her strength
And calm her fears
To slow her step
And help her see
She's too focused
On her destination
To appreciate
Her present journey

My Love

In acknowledging
One cannot
Fully love
Another
If
You don't
Love
One's self

And
Further acknowledging
The majority of days
I do not
Love
Myself

I must
Therefore
Conclude
I cannot
Fully love
Those
I say I do

Yet
My love
Feels
Like a superpower
Or
At least
A superhero's cape

My love
Feels endless
I reach out with it
And find you
And wrap you in it
And it feels so real
And so full

I must conclude
The thought
That I don't love myself
Is merely that
The feeling
The reality
Is that I do
Because
Otherwise
I could never
Ever
Feel this way
About you

Sami's Latest

If I...

If I were a speaker of words
I would tell you
That every day
I feel so grateful
To have you in my life

If I were a doer of things
I would do all I could
To show you
The love I hold
In my heart
For you

If I were a great cook
I would create a new dish
Every day
In honor
Of your existence

If I were an artist
I would create a masterpiece
Such that no one has ever seen
To capture
The feeling
Of being cared for, by you

If I were a woman of means
I would support you
And your dreams
So you would have
One less worry

If I were a magician
I would make my flaws
Disappear
So I could embody
Your perfect woman
So your love for me
Would never expire

Alas,
I am only Mee
I am not a speaker of words
A doer of things
A great cook
An artist
And especially not
A woman of means
Or
A magician

So I know
My expiration will stand
It makes me sad
But I guess
Also
Keeps me in line
Even though
You probably can’t tell
I do try
With all my heart
I try
Yet
I am aware
Trying is not enough
For you
Nor should it be
You deserve the best
And I fall well short of that
I am aware.

Sitting in discomfort

Sitting in discomfort
I learn again
The pain of growth
The cost
Of pessimism
Is happiness
Which
Historically
I would gladly barter
For peace of mind
But now
Living in discomfort
I long
For the happiness
Which comes
After
The discomfort
The happiness
I feel
When he smiles
At me
Again

I Love You

These three words
I think them
About you
All the time
Over and over
Sometimes
I add “so much”
To the end
The problem is
I can’t seem
To get the words
To come out
Of my mouth

Thank goodness
For emojis

Awakening (II)

I have been awake before.
I crawled back under the covers.
It’s a difficult place to stay,
For me,
Apparently.

I am awakening again.
I hope to stay up
For a while
This time.

Half the Battle

If knowing is half the battle
It certainly is the easy half
Also
What is the other half?
Changing?
Taking action?
Remembering?

All my life
I have hated myself
For reasons
Which failed logically
But won emotionally

And now
After all these years
I am realizing new reasons
Which win logically
And I have to fight
To overcome
Emotionally

I have this fear
Of not living my life
My way
Or on my own terms
The problem is
I don't know
What my way
Really is

I tell myself
I want to walk alone
But inside
The loneliness eats at me
Yet
I don't know how
To open up
And share

I tell myself
Loneliness
Is easier to handle
Than heartbreak

Easier to digest
Than disappointment
Or drama

Easier to ignore
Then a moral imperative
To be a better person
Because the one you love
Deserves better
Than you

I was devastated today
In increasing waves of disgust
As I realized
My willful ignorance
Avoidance
And eventual apathy

I get so tired
Of hating myself
I drink
To forget
Which of course
Creates regret
Because drinking excessively
Will always,
Eventually,
Inflict pain

But the cessation
Of imbibing
Causes me to realize
Just how much
I hate myself
Every moment
Of every day
And then
To realize
I have been hating myself
For all the wrong reasons
Is really, really
Hard to take

So now what?
I have to change
Obviously
I have to let go
Definitely
I have to see
But I can't
I'm so damn myopic
Everything
Has always
Been relegated
To future Mee
But now
I am future Mee
And I don't have the tools
To deal
With a lifetime of procrastination
A lifetime
Of willful ignorance
...

Or do I?

Fear and Surrender

I'm afraid
But I have to let that be okay
I'm afraid to tell you things
For fear of being rejected
For fear of judgment
For fear of looking or feeling stupid
I'm afraid to tell you things
Because I feel unimportant
And small
And worthless
I'm afraid to tell you things
Because the words might be wrong
It might be misinterpreted
Misunderstood
I hate stumbling over words
Not knowing how to turn a phrase
In a way that accurately elucidates my point
Mostly
I hate who I am sometimes
I feel ugly, bad, repulsive
And I don't want you to know that
Because I'm afraid you'll start seeing that too

I'm afraid
But I have to let that be okay
We walked through your house
The new construction upstairs
I don't know what goes through your head
As you view the old space
In its new form
I don't know what it looked like
What memories it held for you
But I know what went through my head
And I wasn't strong enough to tell you
But as I looked in each room
I pictured my children in that space
And then I pictured our child

I'm afraid
But I have to let that
Be okay
I was drunk
And high
And it's so hard
For me to speak
To open up
To let you the fuck in
And I get tired
Of life being hard
And I know others have it way, way worse
But instead of gratitude
I feel guilty
So I wanted to give up
I just wanted all of this difficulty
To be over
So I asked you to leave
And then I stayed in bed
Motionless
With my mind racing
And waves of sadness
Washing over me
And all I wanted
Was to be in your arms
And you
You opened them
You let me back in
And held me
While you slept
But I couldn't sleep
My mind
Was too full
Of gratitude

Thank you
For letting me back in
Each time
I've tried to shut you out

Thank you
For believing in us
Each time
I've felt I'm not enough

Thank you
For loving me
In this way
That wakes me up

Thank you
For sharing your strength
Your wisdom
Your compassion

Thank you
For holding me
And allowing me
These moments of happiness

I'm afraid
But I will let that be okay
Because my love is amazing
And I want to share it with you

Dear Children:

I don't know what you think of me as a mother.  I mean, I get clues from time to time, but the ones that stick are not the ones about which I feel great.  I think you are amazing, wonderful children.  I know I feel like all the good parts of you have grown in spite of me, instead of with my help or guidance.  I know that can't be 100% true in reality, but in my mind, these thoughts live and grow.

I know that I've been afraid my entire life.  It hasn't served me well.  I know that I have made some very large, life-altering choices as a mother that hurt us.  I know that we still, to this day, struggle because of those choices.  I know that we are all afraid of the past repeating itself.

I think, with the current information available to me, I think we should open our hearts to Drew.  Abacus and Samurai, when you agreed to meet him, I was momentarily ecstatic.  In the next moment, the fear came.  It hasn't left me.  Thinking about this introduction makes me feel like I am jumping out of a plane for the second time when my parachute didn't open the first time, and I barely survived the fall.  

I feel like my guilt matches the intensity of my love.  And I can't conceive of a greater love.  So it's hard to even stand up sometimes, with all the guilt I carry.  But then I look at you, really look at you, and I speak to you in those moments when my heart is open and bleeding all over the place, and I realize that you are beautiful human beings.  Despite it all, despite me.

I didn't see through that last man because I wasn't self-aware.  I wasn't mentally strong.  That whole thing came out of nowhere, I was blind and then blindsided.  I am not in that same place.  Not to say I am ready, because I have a whole lot of work to do toward being truly self-aware and mentally strong.  But I am not in that same place.

I worry, perhaps, that I have used up most of his capacity to be patient.  As you are well aware, I need more practice communicating about feelings and things that are important in one's close relationships.  I like to call myself a failure in that department but I am working on not being so negative.  

I know I have eroded your trust in my decision-making abilities and in my choice in men.  I ask that you give me another chance anyway.  I ask that you meet Drew with open hearts and minds.  With respect, with deference.  I know you possess these qualities, though they have given way to a defensive posture that echoes my own.  Ignoring things that make you uncomfortable.  You got this from watching me deal (okay, not deal) with my feelings in and about situations in my life thus far.  And even when I witnessed this toxic behavior I lacked the ability to correct it in that moment because I am working on that very behavioral correction myself.  For this, we all owe an apology to Drew.

I love him, and for reasons only he knows, he has put up with me for six months.  With us.  He has not only put up with us, but he has looked past a whole lot of emotional immaturity.  While it can be somewhat expected of children and teenagers, it has surely been a great disappointment that it's mostly coming from me.  Someday, my trying to be better isn't going to be enough.  Because I am hyperaware of this fact, I have been scared to force interaction at the family level.  I have been trying to protect you from another one of my failures.  But this particular fear I am going to have to move through to get past.  And I truly believe it's the best decision for us.  No matter what happens, we are going to be a stronger and happier family, in the long run, from letting this man in our hearts.  I have zero doubts about that.

So, I know it's a lot to ask, and I ask a lot of you already, but you all have untapped strength.  Just as I do.  Let's be open, let's show him inside and be confident in our capacity for change.

Love, 

Mama

     

music

in stillness
i hear
the music
inside of you
the drum
of your heartbeat
the rhythm
of your respiration
the symphony
of your mind
body
and spirit
the pianissimo
of your pain
the affannato
of your anger
the declamando
of your desire
i wish
to dance for you
to your music
in such a way
that the song
is forever changed
and I become
a part of it
until the end
of my days

Arms

The echo 

Of my empty arms

A reverberation

You silence

By filling them

I thought

I had forgotten 

How to love

How to open

And then I found you

And I don’t know

A happier place

Than being held 

In your arms

I miss

Being there

Every moment

I’m away

At the risk

Of writing
Too much
In one night
Which
I hardly
Remember

At the risk
Of my heart
Breaking
Again

At the risk
Of exposing
My sadness
My weakness
My breaking
Point

At the risk
Of losing
Everything

I ask

What

Do you see
In Mee

Sadness

Overtakes me
As I sit
Alone
Admittedly
Slightly
Inebriated
As my children
Babies
Venture out
Into the world
In their costumes
On Halloween
Without
So much
As a thought
Or backwards glance
And I
Wait
For maybe
A photo
And
As an afterthought
I get a selfie
Which doesn't even feature
The costume
I spent three hours
Procuring
The night before

Welcome
To teenagers
Welcome
To the end
Of childhood
As it once
Made sense
And now
Now
...

What

I don't know
How to live
Without love
And I
Clearly
Don't know
How to live
With it
Either

10/31/2018

So
Here's the thing



But

My whole life
I have been fooled
And to this day
I am not
Always
Sure
Whether I am still
Being played

Even
By my own
Children

So
Here I sit
At work

On Halloween

My first night

Ever

Not taking them
Trick or treating

And

I am confused

That is all.

Being Female

So
Sometimes
You let things go
Because
You're female
And you've spent
You're entire life
Letting things go
Because
Honestly
That's what you're taught

But
Sometimes
You go out
With a female
Who says no
This shit
Is not okay

And you leave

And you realize

You could have
Been leaving
Your whole
Damn
Life

Sometimes

Sometimes
I can't sleep
So I allow
All the shit
To pour
Out of my brain
In an attempt
To regain
Reign
Over my senses

I am thankful
For this blank page
Sometimes
I cover with rage

Or

Confessions from the cage
In which
I allow
My self
To live

Sometimes
I look back
And discover
I haven't moved an inch
But sometimes
I look back
And see
That doors
Are opening
And sometimes
I've even
Taken
A step outside

What would it look like
To shed my past
The shackles
Of the mistakes
Of the earlier versions
Of my self

What would it sound like
To speak
Without fear

What would it feel like
To forgive Mee?

If I Could Feel

If I could feel
What it is
To know your life
Your thoughts
The world
Through your eyes
The sum
Of your experience
The callings
Of your heart
The musings
Of your mind

If I could hear
My words
As they fall
On your ears

If I could see
My impact
As it builds
Your heart and mind

If I could touch
Your heart
The way
You've touched mine

I would tell you
I'm sorry
For all my missteps
I'm proud
Of who I see
And I love
Who you have become
Unconditionally

I miss you

In the darkness
Of the night
I long for you
In my line of sight
When I reach out
And you are there
It's a feeling
Beyond compare
And I share
The unfairness
Of it all
In the moments
Between
When I wake up
Next to you
And close my eyes
Again
With your image
The last thing
In view
And I feel
Things unravel
In those moments
Between
And I feel
Things
Unravel
In these moments
Between

But I
Am stronger
Than I realize
Most days
And I
Am stronger
Than you
Realize
And my love
Is stronger
Than you
Could possibly
Know
So we'll just
Keep coming together
And see
Where it goes

And I know
You want things
I can't offer
Right now
But I know
You want things
I will offer
When the time
Is right
So if we keep
The fear
At bay
If we love
Through
The lonely
Days
We could know
A new happiness
And I could write
Of the fullness
Of our love
Of the completeness
Of our life
Together
Instead

Truth

The truth is
I never thought
I deserved you
So funny
Cool
Handsome
Loving
Intelligent
Fun
Respectful
Determined
Patient

I never understood
What you saw in me

I clearly
Never understood
What you needed from me

I fell in love
Despite myself
And now
I pay the price

But I would pay it again
And again
Because allowing myself
To know your love
Is the nicest thing
I have done for Mee
Possibly ever

My Story

My story
My narrative
It entertains
It amuses
Sometimes
It impresses
People tell me
I should write it down
Share it
But
The truth is
I need to let it go
For too long
I have been shackled
By the life
I allowed to happen
By not standing up
For myself
By not
Taking personal responsibility
For my present
My future
My past
For not seeing myself
As worthy
To breathe the same air
As others
And it hurts
To think
Of all the pain
I've caused
Hiding
From my own light
Because it hurts
To look back
On my missteps
But to forgive
Myself
I need to examine
That story
Accept all
That has brought me
To this place
In my life
And forgive myself
For not being more protective
Of my heart
And everyone else's.

The sleepless nights
Continue
And I fear
It will be a long time
Before
I sleep soundly
Again
But this time
I will honor
All the good
And be vigilant
To not repeat
Mistakes of the past

Failure hurts
Almost as much
As a broken heart
And when they come
As a package
It's a lot to handle

I feel as though
My future found me
But wished to have found me
In the past
And the present
Was never enough
I was too slow
To see
Too slow
To trust
Too slow
To illuminate his world
With the woman
He must have glimpsed
Inside of me
The one I want
To spend more time
Being

I wish I could have shown him
Before it was too late
Now to honor the love
I found with him
I just have to show myself
And not get lost again

Something

There has to be
Something
I can do
To get this feeling
Out of my head
Out of my body

Except
I can't
Even
Identify it

I don't know
What's wrong
With me
This morning

But it's something.

I hope
I figure it out
Very soon.

Love

I looked for you in poetry
I looked for you in dreams
I looked for you in tears
I looked for you in screams

I looked for you in heartache
I looked for you in happiness
I looked for you in gluttony
I looked for you in emptiness

I looked for you in pain
I looked for you in pride
I looked for you in nature
I looked for you inside

And now
I've found you
I can see you
But I want to run and hide

I've found you
I can feel you
Something new has come alive

I've found you
I can hold you
But never long enough

I've found you
I can love you
I just can't speak my words

I've found you
I can lose you
Was I better off just looking?

I Love You

But you don't know
I'm too afraid
To show it
Because at every pass
I seem to blow it
And every time
I expect
You'll never
Speak to me again
And in bracing myself for that
I hold back
And the cycle continues

And maybe
I'm right this time

I have failed
At every relationship
I have ever had
Yet
Somehow
You are surprised
When I don't know
How to properly
Diffuse conflict

If I had that skill
I would probably still be married

Yet I know
That this issue
We keep having
It's not 100% me,
It's just not.
You may be great at talking
But listening
Seems to be a problem

If you ask me to speak,
Then let me speak.
If, after 10 minutes of framing words in my head
And trying to get them out of my mouth
To answer a question of yours,
You cut me off
And accuse me of not trying
When I've just stated that I am
And, honestly,
Went through a lot just to be near you
And when I got there
You didn't even want me to face in your direction
Or touch you
Or breathe...

Fuck.

I would never
Put myself
Through this insanity
I would never
Compromise my family
Create rifts with my children
For someone
I didn't love
With my whole heart

But now
I'm starting to wonder
If I'm just being stubborn
At this point

What is so
Fucking
Great
About waiting
Days
That feel like weeks
To see you
And spend time with you
Just to feel this fucking bad

You know why
I am so bad at this?
BECAUSE I DON'T DO IT
It's not worth my time
It's not worth my energy
To try and invest in a relationship
When the beginning is so scary
And unknown
And I have so many things at stake
More than my ego
More than my heart

My family
Their hearts
Their trust
Their respect, even

So I don't engage
I keep it all separate
Dating
My relationships with men
And yes
It's made it harder for us
Because there is no precedent
Our relationship is the precedent

And you don't seem to understand
Why I don't just say fuck it all
I'm the grown-up
I make the decisions
He will be in our lives
Whether you like it or not
It's my house
And I control who comes in and out

The thing is
It's not MY house
It's OUR house
And you're not in MY life
You're in OUR life
And it's not about wanting to be with ME
It's about wanting to be with US

And I've told you that I love you
But I don't know how you feel
Other than you "adore" me
And think I'm "fine" and "hot"

Honestly, I don't even know why
You still talk to me
It's not worth it at all
If there's no love here

I know I love you
And I know I have failed
At proving that to you
I have failed at showing you
I have failed at communicating it to you
So maybe
That's the truth
For which I am looking
I have failed
To love you enough
To make you believe in us
And that's why it's all falling apart
Or always feels like it is

And I don't even know what to do now
But at least my head
Feels a little lighter

Dear Abacus,

You turned fifteen yesterday.  Taking a moment to reflect, I am amazed by our journey, by your strength, resilience and love.  I know I haven't provided you with the easiest life.  You were de facto man of the house at age 6.  There were many times since then that I have lost my way, and as a result, your trust in me has eroded.

I remember the first time my father was knocked off the pedestal upon which I had placed him.  It was a sobering moment, and I was 17.  I was hardly prepared for it.  As a result, I have always tried to keep your image of me grounded in reality.  I have never tried to hide a flaw or project an image of perfection for the sake of my own ego.  I had hoped, that by being real with you, I could spare you the pain of knowing a falling hero, a broken illusion.  And, amazingly, to your credit alone, you love me despite this.

As a parent I am so often torn between protecting you and preparing you.  You are well aware that I err toward the side of preparation.  When you lose a parent, that transition is difficult enough without then having the realization that they never taught you how to be truly self-sufficient.  But I am realizing perhaps I  should have been more balanced, as I discover you identify as a lone wolf.  And as I find myself still alive and here for you.

You often express you wished you had an older brother.  I know why.  It's hard to have the burden you have on your shoulders.  Yes, it's made them very strong, but you don't feel you have anyone to share it with and, sometimes, it would be nice to have someone to give you some advice.  Or have dealt with or be able to deal with a specific issue you are facing.  Or just someone you trust implicitly with whom you can talk (who isn't your parent, the root of more than a few problems which warrant discussion).

I have to admit these teenage years are difficult for me so far.  As you grow into humans who lash out and judge and develop your own lives and identities as more than my children I find myself stepping back, hiding a little.  I find myself detaching out of fear of rejection.  But I also find myself in awe of the person you have become.  I find myself proud of your accomplishments and excited for your future.  I find myself nostalgic for the little boy who wouldn't let me put him down but grateful that I never really did despite people admonishing me and letting me know that I was spoiling you.  I believe that level of physical devotion and love as an infant, baby and young child provided a foundation of emotional support that helped to prepare you for all the hardships we have known and all the times we've been apart.

I compare myself to you and I feel like I am nothing.  Or at best, minuscule.  And then I remember a few things.  One, I should never compare myself to someone else.  My only measure should be against me.  Two, you are my son.  And all that awesomeness didn't materialize out of thin air, I had a tiny part in it.  Three, you love me in a way that doesn't exist in a vacuum.  So I can't possibly be nothing.

Here's to our decade and a half of life together.  I love you more than I can express through writing and in more dimensions than we currently know exist.

Mama

Monday

Today felt like a hangover
But I didn't have a drink
It felt like a cold night
With wet blankets
It felt like everything
Was just
Slightly
Off
And honestly
At this point
I just want it to be over

And I think about
How many nights
Until I get to wake-up
Next to you
Or even
Just lay down
Beside you
And it's depressing

But then I think
About my life
Before you
And I realize
I should just
Be fucking grateful
I've come this far

Yet resentment
Courses through
And explodes out
Angrily
And it's unfair
Of course
To let it explode
All over them
Because it's not their fault
They don't trust me
And,
By extension,
Him
It's my fault
And I know that
I feel it
So deeply

I just wish
They could see
Feel
Understand
The difference
Between who I was
Just a few months ago
And who I am becoming

Except
Of course
They can't see it now
They won't see it now
Because it's not there anymore
Now I'm just afraid

I can't be there
And he'll get tired of waiting
And it's not that I'll be back where I started
Because I'm evolving
And it's not that I won't find happiness again
Because I know I would
It's just that we were working
And it was challenging, just to get there
But we persevered
And it's a shame
For all that effort
To have been wasted
So to speak

Anyway,
Monday's almost over
And I'll soon be asleep
So hopefully tomorrow
The sun will be shining
In my heart
Instead of the draining rain

Awakening

Awakening
Is painful
I understand
Why so many people
Choose
To stay asleep

I used to
Consider me
Kind
Selfless
Loving
Compassionate
Self-aware
Humble

And now
Faced with the truth
That I am pretty much
The opposite
I have to admit
It fucking hurts
A lot

There's a part of me
For sure
That wishes
To go backward
And take that easy path
The one
Where anything I do
Or say
Is admired
And loved

The one
Where I was good enough
Just the way
I am

But
We all know
Nine times out of ten
I will take the hard road
Because one thing
I never lied to myself about
Is that
I don't like it easy

So
Here I am
Feeling like shit
And an asshole
And stupid
And insignificant
And weak
And undesirable
And that's not a reflection
On anyone
Except me

The only way
For me to be
A woman
Worthy enough
Is to struggle
Through these feelings
And emerge
On the other side
With new ones

It's far from fun
It's far from easy
But it's entirely necessary
For my transformation
And I fully intend
To transform

But man
This fucking hurts
And I could really
Really
Use a damn hug

It's Lonely Without You

It seems I've forgotten
How to sleep
Through the night

Sucks for me.

Dear Mee.

Wow, it's been a long time.

I know.

Well, what are you thinking?

What are you feeling?

Love.  Like a welcome home kind of love.  

So, what do you think?

I think you'd be crazy to let him go.  So you better get your act together.

Really?  How can you be so sure?  Aren't you scared?

I'm the brain, remember?  Sure, it's a calculated risk.  But think of all you've been through.  And think of what he's shown you so far.  And think of how long it's been since you've felt anything like this.

That's exactly what I'm afraid of, the last time I felt like this...

The last time you felt like this you were happier than I've known you to be until now.  And that situation was a train wreck.  You ignored every single warning sign.  This time, the red flags are all being thrown up by you.  Still, he's giving you the benefit of the doubt.  Show him who you are.  And remember you are not the sum of your mistakes but the culmination your experiences, good and bad.  You can give in to the weakness or stand in your strength.  We both know the depth of the love of which you are capable.  Share that with someone worthy for once.

What if...

There's no benefit to pondering the what-ifs.  The fact is we have more reasons to trust him than to not trust him.  The fact is, we are strong enough to weather any storm.  The fact is, we need him to grow, no matter what happens in the end.  So the what-ifs are irrelevant.

I guess you're right.  I'm still so scared.

Being scared is fine.  Acting stupid is not.  Get it together, be you, and show him who you are.  Oh, and get some damn sleep.

It's your fault I'm not sleeping.

It's not actually.  I know what's what.  You're the one having trouble sorting it all out.

I never win with you.

It's funny because that's how I've always felt.  But this time, it could be a win-win.  

Okay.

Now go to sleep.

Okay.  Quit it with those freaky teeth falling out dreams.

Hahaha.  I got you.  Good night.    

  

How Many

How many times
Do I have to sit in pain
To learn
To stand in happiness

How many times
Do I have to break my heart
To learn
To be more gentle

How many times
Do I have to close my eyes
To stop
Seeing the pain in yours

How many times
Do I have to say I'm sorry
To believe
I can be forgiven (there aren't enough sorries in the world)

But still
I'm sorry

I'm Stuck

I'm stuck
Thinking about you
And I'd really like
To have my brain back

Instead
I have answers
To questions
You asked
Rolling around and around
Since I didn't let them out

I have thoughts
You wanted me to share
Tormenting me
Because I didn't let them out

I have words
I wish I would have spoken
Wandering around lost
Waiting to be let out

And now I'm stuck
Thinking about you
And I'd really
Really
Like to have my brain back.

Thanks.

Opening Up?

There's a place
In my heart
That hasn't
Been touched
It's too
Far away
And I haven't
Opened up
But I feel
That perhaps
I'm on
The cusp
The fear
And the anger
I've had enough
I need
To let love in
Before my soul
Corrupts

Well I tried

The quiet
Rises
From within
The noise
And my mind
Rebels
Begging
For distraction
Allowing
One moment
Of true
Meditation
To feel
Like an anchor
Plummeting
To the bottom
Of the sea
Keeping me
Docked
But the quiet
Allows so much
Pain
Sadness
Anger
To enter
And I
Don't want to feel
Any of it

And I jump

Anger

There's anger
Inside me
I mostly deny
But occasionally
It activates
And I
Can no longer
Hide

Anger
Born of pain
Disillusionment
Selfish aims

Anger
Born of deception
Betrayal
False conception

Anger
Alive
Ugly
Massive

Anger
I haven't let go
Let loose
Haven't tried

Anger
I keep close
Because
What if it dies?

What if?

And what if it all meant nothing

Because I didn’t know you

She spoke into the mirror

And what if it all passed you by

Because you didn’t see me

She spoke to her family

And what if I missed out

Because I never spoke my mind

She spoke to her shadow

And what if I never existed

Because you destroyed my heart

She spoke to her nemesis 

And what if I never blossomed

Because I refused to grow

She spoke to the darkness

And what if I never succeed

Because I forgot how to believe

She spoke to her fairy godmother

Dear Nexen,

This year was the first year I didn't get to spend your birthday with you.  I didn't get to wake you up with our good morning song and a birthday surprise.  I tried to tell myself it didn't really matter, that we can celebrate on another day, but it did matter.  It mattered a lot.  

Six years ago we shared these moments as you emerged, bold and beautiful into this world.  Into our world.  

Six years ago the sky lit up with lightning and thunder boomed your arrival.  Six years ago we completed our family.  And on May 4, 2018, I didn't even get to say good morning and happy birthday.  I know in the long run it doesn't matter.  But in the moments which passed, on that day, it hurt me so much.

My love for you can't be captured in a word, a letter, a story or a book.  It can't be captured in a poem or a blog post.  It can't be captured in a song, a video or a gift.  But if you look at the way I smiled, on the day of your birth, you'll see the truth of my love.  My love is your favorite number, infinity.

Love,

Mama

.

   

Here's My Mind

Here's my mind
For your judgment
Amusement
Criticism
Empathy
Sympathy

The way
I most effectively
Release thoughts
Is through my fingertips

The way
I most effectively
Release emotions
Is also
Through my fingertips

Talking
Confuses me
The words to convey
My thoughts
Accurately
Elude me
In speech

But here
Fingers tapping
Against the keyboard
Their own rhythm
Their own beat
Their own melody
Even

Here the words
Flow
Like music
Through a dancer's body

I can hear pain
I can hear sadness
I can hear anger
I can hear pride
I can hear love
I can hear happiness
I can hear peace
I can hear hopelessness
I can hear confusion
I can hear contempt
I can hear surrender
I can hear the past
I can hear the future
In the music
My fingers make
With the keyboard

My mind bleeds
Words
Hemorrhages
Half-written poems
My fingers race
To release
The deluge
And I
I brain splatter
This blog
And you
For some reason
Read it

Whatever it is
You think
Of my mind
Whatever it is
You do
With my thoughts
Don't get it twisted
It's twisted enough

In the night

My unconscious mind
Conjures
Scenarios
Which connect me
With men
In intimacy
Marriage, even
And I wake-up
With a start
My body
Alive
With sensations
That only awaken
In my dreams
Because
How can I
Trust
The poisoned words
"I love you"
How can I
Possibly
Let anyone
Close
Again

Apparently
I can't

Thinking of You

Where were you?

Where were you
When I was lost
Searching for truth
In the darkness
Of deceit

Where were you
When I was looking
For meaning
In the space
Between my breaths

Where were you
When I was crying
Waterfalls
Of sorrow
Pools of pain

Where were you
When I was wandering
Cold
And alone

Where were you
When I cried out
For an end
To the misery
Of this chosen path

Were you watching
Were you listening
Were you hoping

Were you waiting
Were you wandering
Were you writing

There were times
I thought I knew
It was you

There were times
I was sure
It wasn't

At this time
All I know
Is that you're out there

And that your path
Was as difficult
As mine

And the strength
We'll have together
When it's time
Is unobtainable
To anyone
But us

So it doesn't matter
Where you were
And it doesn't matter
Where you are
All that matters
Is that we're ready
When we find each other
Again
For the first time
Again
For the last time
Again
For the only time

03/15/2018

Today my heart rises

Large and full

Like a supermoon

Thirteen years ago

Your birth journey

Brought to surface

Not only

The strength

I hold within

But

The strength

Of all women

First

Moving inside me

Then

Moving through me

Finally

Just

Moving me

I remember

Your first smile

Your first wave

Your first kiss

Your first hug

Your first step

Traveling through

The twists and turns

Of my memories

Of you

I am reminded

Over and over

How you taught me

To love

How you taught me

The importance

Of being myself

How you taught me

That true strength

Is keeping

An open heart

Even when you're hurting

And so today

We celebrate

Your journey

Thirteen years

Of beauty

In mind

In spirit

In action

Thirteen years

Of loving you

I'm still growing

Into my role

As your mother

You're still growing

Your mind

Your spirit

Your actions

And I'm so proud

Of every moment

Of our journey

I love you Sami