Dear Drew,

I've been wanting to write a letter and mail it to you, with the socks you've left at my house, but I'm glad that I didn't.  Because until now, everything I wanted to write was to let you know my truth. My reality.  The side of our equation that never added up for you, at least in my perspective. 

I'm glad that I didn't.  Because it would have been a waste of time, I can see that now.  And, I'm sure you've replaced the socks by now if you needed them.

So in this letter, all I want to say (and I won't bother sending it either), is that I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I was so focused on trying to improve myself, that I couldn't see I was losing you in the process.  If I'd had more awareness, I like to think I could have grown both as a person and in our relationship.  But I accept that wasn't our path.

I also want to say thank you.  I was on the road to a really wreckless place, and you lifted me up and provided me safe harbor.  I love you more than you will ever understand, and that's the reason I could never walk away.  As much as my brain wanted me to, and as much as my mouth said I would.

I miss you every day.

Love,
Mee

From Me to Mee

It's so hard

Life is so hard
Without you

It's so hard
And I thought
It was so much harder
With you
Come to find out
I was only okay
Sometimes
Because I had you
And life
It's just hard anyway

Facing Reality

Facing the reality
Of the mistakes I've made
Is the hardest thing
I've had to do

But I want to do better
So I have to face what I've done
And forgive myself
And others in some cases

But your failure to thrive
Is my failure
To do more than just survive
Which
For a while
Is all I thought I could do

But I can do better
And I will do better
And I'm sorry
I let myself go
For so long

I love you.

Goodbye, my love

My heart
Is sore
And tender

My eyes
Are moist
And red

My mouth
Is quiet
And downturned

My remorse
Is deep
And tangible

All the starts
And stops
To prepare me

The full stop
Hurts more than I anticipated.

For you though,
I am happy to end the struggle.

August Passed

August passed
And I didn't write anything
Well, no blogs.

A lot happened though.

I think I'll just say this, about August...

Today

Today feels uncomfortable
Like when the medicine wears off
After surgery
But the next dose
Is hours away

I am not sure why
I feel this sense of foreboding

My heart cries out
Go home
Curl up
Stay out of life's way

My thoughts feel trapped
On a runaway train
Navigating a maze
At a higher than comfortable speed

I hope your day
Feels better than mine