I know it's Spring

I know it's Spring
Because my mind
Is fertile
Ecstatic even
Shaking itself
From the frosty
Winter
Nights
And the cold
Hard
Depression
That took hold

I know it's Spring
Because my body
Is ready
To rebuild itself
After a winter
Of stress eating
And underactivity

I know it's Spring
Because my heart
Is light
And happy
And
It would seem
It's ready to grow again

I know it's Spring
Because all I want
Is to go home
And clean my house

I need to make room
To let the the light in

Unrest

I should be able to sleep
Shouldn't I?
(I mean, not right now, it's 4:30 in the afternoon)

But everything inside of me is screaming
My dreams encrypt the truth
So it eludes me as I wake

I held something
Ever so briefly
And it made me happy
And I don't know how act now
It's so weird

I want to move past
Let go
Leap forward

But then I dig a little
And find such beauty
It hurts

And then I don't want to let go anymore
But what's the point of holding on to air
Or the past

Honestly, just knowing you exist makes me happy
And everything unsaid is exactly that
And should stay there
Or am I just thinking that
So I don't have to send the letter...

The Letter

I wrote you
A letter
Illuminating
The dark places
In my brain
The secrets
Of my heart
I thought
Through this act
I could purge you
From my brain
Release you
From my heart

But
Alas
The poetry
Has started

This
Is harder
For me
Than usual
Because I know
There are people
Out there
Who read this blog
For updates
For clues
Where I have been
Where I am going
Am I
Any closer
To them?

But
Perhaps
This
Will be good
For them too

Maybe knowing
Will release them
Maybe writing
Will release me

The things
I didn't do
Or say
Won't stop
Replaying
In my brain
Stabbing
At my heart

But really
There was nothing
To say
Or do

Because I was just lucky
To have
The moment I did
With you

Right?

The Truth that Burns

I

Despise

Dishonesty

Yet

I acknowledge 

Some truths 

Are painful

To release

By holding back

My feelings

Is that a lie by omission?

You

Certainly 

Think so

But our truth

Is painful

It hurts

To remember 

Even

If remembering

Is part

Of the process

Of letting go

Actually 

I think

That makes it

Hurt double

Because 

I don’t 

Want

To let go

I don’t 

Want to remember 

I don’t 

Want

To forget 

And I don’t 

Want

To give up

The secrets

Of my heart

You present me

With candles

Sometimes

Torches

Sometimes

Bonfires

Finally

Asking me

To sit with you

And illuminate 

Our past

Walk hand in hand

And remember

Together

What it was

And I say

It’s a fire hazard

And extinguish

The flame

Mee

The cowardly dragon

Since when

Have I become

Afraid of fire?

Dear Abacus and Samurai,

Tonight I feel as though I have more tears than words.  Still, I am compelled to write.  Your eyes which once watched me full of wonder, awe and love now look on with judgment, disdain.  I can't pretend it doesn't hurt, and I can't magically become someone else who might be more palatable.  And still my love for you only grows (even though at times my tolerance may shrink).  As it grows, my heart breaks a little.  More.  It breaks a little more. 

Yup.  Definitely more tears than words.

I surrender to them.

Goodnight.  

The Fiction of You

The fiction 

Of you

I wish

It were true

The person

You lied

Into existence

The person

Whose heart

I thought

I knew

When all

You did

Was reflect

My heart

Back to me

And I thought

You

Were so beautiful

But really

It was my love

I was seeing

You 

You have

No such

Capacity

For love

And now

Like 

Swallowed glass

You rip me apart

From the inside

Whenever

I allow myself

To feel

Whenever

I try

To heal

The fiction

Of you

I wish

It were

True

The truth 

Of Mee

I don't

Know how

To see

When everyone 

Writes

Their own

Fiction of Mee

And it's easier

To live

In your story

Than to write

My own

Sadness

If there
Was a tragedy
Lurking behind your eyes
I didn't see it
In time

Or maybe
I did
And
I did nothing
Or anyway
Not enough

I know
I can't
Save the world

But it's possible
Is it possible?
I could have
Helped
You

I hope
With all my heart
That someone can