Dear Abacus,

Sometimes
When I try to write
About my love for you
I feel my heart
Wanting to burst
Or perhaps
The feeling is more like
Implosion

You see
Until I held you
Minutes old
The smallest you would ever be

Until you breathed
That same air
As I was breathing

How could I know what life was?
How could I know what life meant?

Some people
Have this amazing gift
This ability to see
To know
To understand
Without needing this little life connection
To change their perspective
And open their mind

I lacked that gift
And so opening to you
Was opening to the world
And opening my heart to love you
Was finally
At long last
Opening my heart
To love myself

Every aspect
Of carrying you
Birthing you
Caring for you
Watching you grow
Has been a lesson
In how to treat myself
And everyone else

More love
More kindness
More compassion
More understanding

You are going to be thirteen soon.
You still smile at me when I walk in the door.
You still reach for my hand when we walk down the street.
You still tell me you love me when we hang up the phone.
You still catalyze positive growth with every milestone.

I can't put into words
What it means to know you
What it means to know
That you're my son
But I will put it into every hug
Every kiss
And every "I love you"
And just hope
That you continue to smile
And reach for me
And say "I love you"
And that I continue to grow

Love,
Mama

Dreams

If I
Permeate
Your dreams
Maybe
You
Could take
Me there
Remind
Me
What it is
To know you

Expose
Your subconscious
Desires
Fears
Absurdities

In the dreams
I've forgotten
Perhaps
You reside?

Passion

So I've been dating.  It wasn't until (well) after my relationship with the baby's father that I even realized I should try doing such a thing.  Prior to then I just sort of fell into relationships.  Randomly and generally most passionately.  I suppose I have gotten older and wiser.  Not really knowing how to approach dating, or even whether I was truly ready or if it was something I wanted or needed, I did something which speaks to my relative maturity.  I sought help.

That's really all beside the point though.  What I really wanted to think about (and I do my best thinking through writing) is a question which one of the guys in the dating world asked me.  What am I really passionate about?  What am I really passionate about?  Being a mom, sure.  Natural birth advocacy, yes.  But those are both passions borne of something else, someone else.  I hesitated to answer so long that I fell asleep before responding.  And now, now I am not sure how to respond.

Prior to children, what were my passions?  I think maybe I was too lost to have real passions.  But is that possible?  I suppose it is.  If passion is emotion I certainly lacked the emotional depth I have today had a few years ago.  There were things I loved to do, sure.  Reading, writing, art (drawing, painting), dancing, video games.  I was certainly passionate about the guys I was with, at least the serious ones.  But none of it feels real, or lasting, looking back.  I guess because I let so much go?  If I were truly passionate, would I not still be doing all of those things?  I mean sure, to some extent I still do all of those things and I even lose myself in them sometimes but does that equal passion?  I'm not so sure anymore.

I suppose I have to answer "I don't know."  It's a rather lackluster answer when all is said and done but I can't lie.  I like a lot of things, even love them, but I think maybe I (once again) lack the emotional depth to exhibit real passion.  I'd love to have a thing.  The way Sami has dance.  The way Ab has video and computer games.  The way Nexen has cars.  

The fact of the matter is, allowing myself to feel has been so incredibly painful that I retreated to the shallow end.  Feeling the depth of the universe of emotion inside me and opening up to it and others and feeling so buoyant and free for a while only to have the water open up and swallow me (because, you know, emotions are water) and dare me to breathe again...it was all I could do to make it back to the shallow end.  I feel like I need to dive back in if I want to be serious about living my life fully and I suppose that would open me up to knowing passion again.  

The question now is, is this an overnight thing?  Can I just jump back into the deep end and trust my ability to swim or do I have to take my time and feel the depth of the water as I make my way slowly back to that place?  

All I know right now is this.  I am thankful to that man, for asking that question, and reminding me of how I used to be able to feel.  The rest, I suppose, is up to Mee. 

This Morning

This morning

My heart

Bursts open

In a million directions

Spewing love

Everywhere 

Love roars out of my chest

The energy dangerous 

Then it recedes

Curls up

All fetal like

And my eyes speak

Asking

Hold me

Just for this moment 

And arms 

Wrap around me

And I sigh

Deep enough
To soothe my fiery soul

And I laugh

Joyous and alive

And the arms

Try to hold me

For one more moment 

But I struggle free

And my mind

Bursts open

In a million directions

And spews words

All over this page 

5 Minutes

Tonight
I devote
My five minutes
To you

As the rain
Works
To wash away
The memory

Fervently
It falls
As though
Fleeing
Certain doom

And my senses
Recalibrate
After being lost
Amid the gentle rainfall
Spoken word
And gentle kisses

Lucky for me
Five minutes is up

Happy Mother's Day!

The sun

To their earth

The moon

To their stars

For a precious time

We are

The biggest 

And most important 

Person

To them

As they

Are

To us

To grow

Their tiny,

Fragile bodies

To birth

These precious babes

To watch

As they learn to do

Everything

We take for granted 

Lift their head

Recognize your face

Grasp an object

Learn to speak

Both slowly 

And at the speed of light

Their hand

Stops reaching for yours

When you walk together

Their frame

Outgrows your lap

And your legs grow numb 

When they try it anyway

Their minds work

In ways

Increasingly difficult 

To understand 

Their vocabulary 

Becomes a code to crack

And they look to their peers

As often 

As they look to you

(Or more)

Trust

And letting go

Battle suspicion 

And the desire

To hold them close

And off

They go

We watch now

From a distance 

And trust

In our own hearts

And wait for signs 

That we did

At least a few

Things

Right

I hope 

Trying to raise

My three children

As well as my Mom

Raised her three

Is a good enough sign

For her

Happy Mother's Day!

Movement

I've been stuck
Living in
No motion
Life
Has cycled back
Out of necessity
It seems

Eureka!

A fight
In the night
Sheds light
On the path
Less examined
And my mind
Frees
FINALLY
From its chains

Breathing
It's so amazing
To remember
How

Truths
Hot
Stabbing
Truths
Pierce
My resistance
To movement
And
(Painfully)
I move on

My smile
Returns
To a place
Of sincerity

And my eyes
My eyes
Harbor
A little
Less
Pain

I'm moving
Again
Let's Go!