Putting into words

the ramblings of my mind
at 2:20 a.m.
is not the easiest task
nor
is it particularly
the smartest

but
of all the stupid things
i've done
in my life
i'd say
this
is pretty low
on the list

so here we are again
blank page
having words

you give me so much
and I always question
what I have
to give back

i do love
a good blank page
it represents
everything wonderful
about life
pure potential
emptiness
completeness

blank pages
call to me
and I love to answer
in long
rambling
reflective (self-absorbed?)
groupings of letters
words
keystrokes
brush strokes
lines
curves
...
did I mention rambling?

i have a sleeping baby
by my side
he was not sleeping
when i was sleepy
now I am awake
and he is precious (aka, asleep)

i wonder
if some part of me
is actually asleep
right
now

i am happy
and in love
with my children
and my life
and my strength
which runs deeper
than I ever
could have imagined

not
to toot my own horn
or anything
but i've come
a really long way
a really
really
really
long way

granted
it's taken
my whole life
but
at least
i'm headed
in the right
direction

i should try and sleep now.
goodnight.

Music Mayhem

In between the moments when time stands still...

Midnight Music

In Love Again

Every day
I fall in love again
I wake-up
And gaze upon
My three little sleeping children
All cuddled in bed together
Oblivious
To the fact
They are outgrowing
Mama's bed
For the comfort it brings
Overshadows
Any discomfort
And me
With my aging bones
Which protest in the morning
I still find
That connection
Through the night
That comfort
And warmth
Is more important
Than some sore muscles

Who can believe in me
When I can't believe in myself?
My children can.

Who can love me
When I can't love myself?
My children can.

Of all the loves
I have lost
In my life
I will do everything
I possibly can
To hold on to theirs

Because every day
I want to wake-up
And find myself
In love again

Dear Samurai,

You're 8!

So, eight years ago, at this moment, I was wondering whether the contractions were going to continue into actual labor or disappear into the light of day as they had been doing all week.  I couldn't have possibly imagined what light I was about to bring into the world.

Your strength, love and beauty have amazed me from the very first moment you emerged.  The ways you have changed my life, my heart and my soul are innumerable.  

This year we welcomed a new baby into our family.  The transition was both the easiest and most difficult thing we have ever done together.  But you are the most amazing big sister I could even imagine.  Watching you play with, care for, and teach your baby brother is one of the greatest joys I have known in my lifetime.  It is such a validation of life and the choices that I have made, confusing as they may be.  

I know you won't understand all of this now, but hopefully someday you will look back on these letters I've submitted to the eternity of cyberspace and hear me speaking from a place you connect with at that time in your life.  Eight more years from now, or eighty, these words will not be less true, my love will not be less real and you, my darling daughter, will not be any less amazing.

I love you and I hope you have a wonderful birthday.

Forever love,

Mama

Happiness

When I was young(er), I used to think happiness was like bubbles.  Pretty to look at, but never meant to last.  Floating around any which way the wind would blow, popping when you tried to catch and hold it.  I would see people who could catch bubbles on their wand and hold them for long periods of time.  I thought this was a neat trick, but exactly that, a trick.

I never understood that happiness had depth, and roots.  I guess because I, myself, lacked depth and roots.  This all changed when I became pregnant with Abacus.  Suddenly I was having the first growth spurt of my life.  Physically, spiritually, emotionally.  My journey toward understanding true happiness began with Abacus.

Happiness became a seed.  Requiring light, love, nourishment...in the right conditions, happiness  continues to multiply.  But when neglected and forgotten, like a seedling, happiness will crumble and decay.  

Sometimes, life can become stressful.  We can forget about our imperative, to feed and maintain our happiness, and then growth becomes stagnant.  Generally, life will cycle naturally, to maintain a certain balance.  We have moments of forgetting, and moments of remembering.  Sometimes, however, life will spiral.  Up, or down, or up and down in quick succession.

In these moments of spiraling upward, we may think ourselves happier than we have ever been.  But euphoria is not happiness.  Happiness requires growth.  In our moments of spiraling downward, we may think happiness has died forever.  It is here in this seemingly dark and lifeless place that we learn what real happiness is. 

Today, I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life.  This is because I have been working harder than I ever have to not only grow, but to maintain happiness.  I am proud of what I have accomplished, and enthusiastic about my future, despite all the storm clouds looming just on the horizon.

I love what I've become.  I hate that so many people got hurt in the process, myself included.  But I can see very clearly where I'm going now.  And it's the most beautiful place I've ever seen.