Day One Hundred Four: 04/14/2012

 04/14/2012

5:33 a.m.

    Another 3:30 a.m. wake-up.  I tried to go back to sleep but gave-up and showered and started my day.

    Had dinner at Sampan with Deirdre last night.  Was so fantastic.

    Today will be a busy day.  A lot of family and driving.  Here's to keeping my sanity!

    Clearly I'm not feeling very talkative.  Guess I'll get some housework done.  (Though the thought of housework makes me sleepy!)

                                                                                                                        Hee Hee.

Day One Hundred Three: 04/13/2021

 04/13/2021

8:41 a.m.

Walking away from my heart I contemplated time's continuity.  I came to my stop and stood still and waiting for my eyes and my mind to catch-up with my stillness.  I came to focus on a face in the wall and worked to stand strong, open to all - even a great fall, should that be where my steps lead.  I am not afraid to fall anymore because I know I have the strength to get back up and the wherewithal to not pull others down with me.

I suppose there are some who are always ready to jump.

Last night walking home with Nexen I told him I was so tired and I wanted to cry and he asked me not to and I said okay, I'll be strong.  But my message should have been that true strength is allowing your body and mind what it needs to get back in balance.  Sometimes that is rest and a good cry.  Sometimes, of course, it is necessary to hold it in.  But I definitely should have explained the difference.

My mind and my heart are open.  Whether it's growth, springtime, the end of the pandemic...I'm not sure.  Most likely a combination.  And what a lovely combination it is.  I am happy to be here, to recognize and be able to enjoy it, and - honestly - I love having this time to think and write.

Nexen said also this morning that he loves trains.  You know, I do too!

                                                                                                    💗Mee.

The Unfolding

     I feel as though my life has been on a single trajectory, over which I lack control and desire to follow.  I am a piece of paper, folded into an airplane, and sent on its way.  I gather speed like a Catholic church gathers silence, as though slowing down would be sacriledge.

    In flight, the landing is daunting.  I am afraid.  It never occurs to me to slow down, so the landing might be gentle.  Perhaps it does occur to me, and I dismiss it as crazy talk.  Am I not built for speed?

    I crash time and again.  It's painful each and every time.  I think perhaps I will stay grounded for good.  But someone always picks me up and sends me off again.  The early flight always feels just right.  And then I pick up speed and start to worry about the crash landing.  And then comes the pain.

    I wonder if I need an engine.  Then I could control it all.  Trajectory, speed, lift, landing.  I start to gather parts.  In doing so, I come across a teacher.  She shows me a new stance I can take.  All of a sudden, my mind is flooded with insight.

    I am not a paper plane.  Unfold, and do not get thrown around again.

Day One Hundred Two: 04/12/2016

 04/12/2016

4:26 a.m.

Good morning my love,

    You are alseep right now.  You are getting sooooo big!  You are still so sweet and lovey!  We need to work on your diet and materialism/consumerism.  We also need to focus a little more on your schooling/education.  Next year we are going to have to start thinking about kindergarten.  Crazy!  Hopefully your father and I can agree easily.

    This year we have very nearly a split schedule.  You are doing well although often you will say you want only Mommy.  But you seem happy when you come home from Daddy's house.

    We moved into a new house in September but you have been recently saying you want to go back to the old one.  Interestingly, it coincided with Papi moving in.  I hope you are able to transition.

    I would write more but I need to try and get some extra sleep and I have a hurt hand so after a while it hurts to write.

                                                                                                                Love,

                                                                                                                 Mama

Day One Hundred One: 04/11/2020

This is from a writing prompt which was a painting of a slim black woman with the top half of her face clouded from eyes up with a multi-colored cloud.  I wish I could find the picture.  I will continue to look for it.

04/11/2020

Later than before

Told

To keep my

Feet

On the ground

I 

Find my

Head

In the clouds

And I

Marvel

At the colors

In the sky

Wondering

Why

I should ever

Come down

From up here

My feet

Look rooted

Firmly planted

But the ground

It's hard

And

From where I stand

The land

Is divided

And my soil

Is kept separate

From that

Which is provided

Precious resources

Nutrients

Knowledge, even

And down there

On the ground

A quiet rage

Eats

At my rib cage

Threatening

To destroy

My joy

But up here

With my head

In the clouds

I can see farther

Than the fences

And walls

Territorial cages

Passed down

Through the ages

Of ignorance

And bloodlust

Fear and distrust

Colonization

And conquest

I want to ingest dreams

Until I burst at the seams

Dissolve opposing teams

See everyone

Act as kings and queens

Of noble lands

Joining hands

To uplift the masses

So everyone can view

This multicolored hue

The rainbow skies

Which dissolve the lies

And reveal

The truth inside

My truth

Is inside

Reflected

By each of you

The beauty

And ugliness too

But what I see

Influences

Who I choose to be

So

I see your beauty,

Love

And I embrace

You

Won't you come

Share

The view

From up high?

Day One Hundred: 04/10/2012

 So, it's been one hundred days!  I've done good, no?  😄

04/10/2012

6:15 p.m.

    Today was a hard day but ultimately so good.  I have acupuncture tonight too and I'm so grateful for that.

    Everything is coming to an end and a beginning.  I'm trying not to be afraid.

    Everything I want I have or am working to cultivate.  Happiness is not just within my reach, it is within my heart, within my womb.  My beauty will not be overshadowed by my mistakes.

    

    Loving is never a mistake.  Giving, however, certainly can be.

    I need to be more careful.  I need to love more intelligently.  I am grateful for this opportunity to learn.  I am thankful for my desire to grow.  I appreciate all who have been placed into my life, so that I may come to know.  I see now.  And I'll do my best to stay open so that I cannot be blindsided again.  (Future me is cracking up right now)

    I am not certain whether the war inside me has been won or whether it's merely a battle.  If it is only a battle, and not the end of the war, I'm guessing it's a pretty darn important battle.  And I do stand victorious.  Over this moment.  Over this culmination of moments.  For this I can be proud.  For this I feel so strong.  For this, I am unapologetic.

    I live.  I love.  I live.  I love.  It is the same for me.  To live and to love are one and the same.

Day Ninety-Nine: 04/09/2010

 04/09/2020

8:05 a.m.

Good Morning R,

    My headspace is weird again this morning.  I am getting closer to a good place though.  I know I am avoiding some things I really can't avoid much longer.  Mostly money stuff.  I'll try harder today.  Hopefully I'll write more later today.

                                                                                                                        💗Mee.

04/09/2020  10:30ish? p.m.

Hi R!

    Today was actually a pretty good day.  Sami wanted to be Nexen's teacher so she handled the lessons and I supervised.  I also did a lot of dishes and managed to get some cleaning done.  I chilled with 2 out of 3 children and worked out with Sami.  I'm in the bath right now, post workout.  It helps keep my ankle from swelling-up after working out.  At this rate, I will be in bathing suit shape for my cruise this summer.  Assuming that it's still happening...

    They canceled school in PA for the rest of the year.  I am not going back to work until Nexen is back in school.  They can fire me if they want.  I'm already laid off.

    I have to do my taxes.  I owe money so I've been putting it off.  When the Courts open back up I'm going to file for bankruptcy.  My landlord company acted like a dick about rent so I'm not inclined to pay them right now.  They can't evict me during the pandemic but it's possible they will as soon as they can once it's over.  And it's not as if I'll magically have money.  I'm not getting unemployment yet either.  My claim hasn't been processed yet.  So crazy!  I have to figure out how to break my contract with my debt place or I am going to be truly fucked on Friday when they withdraw my monthly payment and overdraft my account.

    Whew.  Sorry, a lot on my mind. Can't really talk about things because I don't want the kids to worry.  Anyway.  I'm going to wash up now.

                                                                                                                           Love you!

                                                                                                                            Mee