Day Four: 01/04/2008

This is me

Opening up

I'm always

Protecting

My inner me

Except online

Where I allow

One to see

The thoughts

I feel

But lack

The strength

To say

I've no gift 

For communication

Any

Other

Way

But here

I am 

Getting

Out of my head

All

That is always

Left unsaid

Not to mention

How I bare

My broken parts

For anyone to see

But I have always

Loved

From the inside out

Yet

I fight to keep

The outside

From coming in

So if one

Were to come

To know me

From the inside out

Perhaps

I could allow myself

To let them

Come in

So

This is me

Opening up

I'm so sorry

I've been afraid

All these years

Petrified 

Really

I've been absent

Because 

By being present

I give you

The option

To reject me

And I've always

Feared rejection

Like at any moment

Even now that I'm grown

I stand to be dismissed

No longer considered

Your own

It could be the adoption

Or a deeper seated issue

But

I think

I've missed you

All these years

Day Three: 01/03/2008

Mantras

Phrases

Dead men's gazes

Insolence

Intolerance

Cornfield mazes

His majesty

Molests you know

The bird's been freed

Thoroughly uncaged

It's difficult to know

I've become enraged

Red hot anger

White hot fear

There's a room full of people

No one listening here

Day Two: 01/02/2014

 6:22 a.m.

This morning in the shower I happened to look down and momentarily focus upon the burn scars on my forearms from the oven.  It brought my mind to the subject of inattentiveness and I thought how much pain - physical, emotional and spiritual - could have been avoided had I just been paying more careful attention - physically, emotionally and spiritually, all my life.

When one is inattentive it opens a direct pathway to pain.  Perhaps to some extent our souls seek this pain as an often express pathway to awakening.  But this carelessness does not only cause pain and hardship to our own person, but to our loved ones and really the world.

There is a reality that we live in every moment which is slightly (or grossly) different for everyone.  Each reality is valid.  By having infinite valid realities, how can we ever own anything?  We cannot, we can only experience it.  

As such, the selfish mentality is a social construct.  Evolutionarily, perhaps, and unique to humans, definitely.  One of the first concepts american babies grasp is that of "mine".  It comes even before the sense of self is fully developed.  We want to grasp and hold on to things and keep them for ourselves.  When this mentality is unchecked by nature - where gain is balanced by loss - or encouraged by nurture, we raise our children with the mistaken notion that not only is possession important but holds some permanence that is, in fact, false.

Happy New Year! A new blog project :D

This year I want to move forward by examining the past a bit.  I want to post daily, and include a poem or journal entry from each day in years past.  After indexing 33 journals, notebooks and sketchbooks spanning the last 28 years, I found only one New Year's Day entry, which was in the journal I had written for/about Shawn in 2010.  It's really too pathetic to even post.  Instead, I am going to post a poem from a sketchbook from 2010 which is undated.

They turned their faces

from the sun

Wondering 

just how far they'd run

In their attempt

to escape that day

In their attmpt

to runaway

But some things you can't leave behind

Unless you can outrun your mind

These memories you'd gag and bind

Torture and abandon

Where no one can find

Just to have one sunny day

Where you could laugh

and run

and play

Instead of work

to keep thoughts away

Those ghosts

of an unhappy yesterday

Which stink of death

and love's decay

They turned their faces

from the sun

And wondered

how much further

they had to run

I'm Sleepy

I'm sleepy

But my mind

Won't rest

I look at you

And remember

I look away

And forget

Why?

Your imprint

On my heart

On my mind

On my soul

Shouldn't that

Be permanent?

I talk

In circles

Walk 

In circles

Because

I guess

I am thinking

In circles

(pretend I formatted the word "circle" into a circle.  I'm sleepy, remember?)

What if every line

Is always a circle

And the beginning

And end

Are just illusions

Delusions

Perspective

Or lack thereof

I should really 

Go

To

Sleep

N

O

W

(goodnight)

In Between

 In between 

Here and there

Is Now

Or is Now

Between 

Past and Present

Is the past

Between

Here and there?

Is the present

Here and now?

Did I?

In the quiet

Of the morning

I chastise myself

For thinking of you 

Still

I worked so hard

To keep my heart

To myself

But 

In the end

It became entangled 

 

And now

I work to free it

Entwined as it is

With my thoughts

And memories

Of you

 

You know

I wanted

To rip my heart

Right out of my chest

And hand it to you

 

But I knew

You wouldn't take it

And I would be left

With a gaping hole

And my blood

All over your floor

 

And I realize

This imagery

Is a little violent

For a love poem

But sometimes

Love

Can feel a little violent

To me

 

You assaulted me

With your vulnerability

Opening up

The way you did

It triggered a thirst 

In me

To know you more

 

The more I knew you

The more I ached

To be your person

The one to hold your heart

A little less violently

Perhaps

Than previously described

How many times

Have I known 

The taste of love?

 

Enough to know

I crave

Its delicious flavor

Its elusive nature

Enough to know

The difference 

Between attraction

And the ability

To deeply connect

On a soul level

I had to walk away

Before you destroyed me

And I know

I did the right thing

Because it hurts so much

And I never even

Gave you my heart

...or did I?