Happy New Year! A new blog project :D

This year I want to move forward by examining the past a bit.  I want to post daily, and include a poem or journal entry from each day in years past.  After indexing 33 journals, notebooks and sketchbooks spanning the last 28 years, I found only one New Year's Day entry, which was in the journal I had written for/about Shawn in 2010.  It's really too pathetic to even post.  Instead, I am going to post a poem from a sketchbook from 2010 which is undated.

They turned their faces

from the sun

Wondering 

just how far they'd run

In their attempt

to escape that day

In their attmpt

to runaway

But some things you can't leave behind

Unless you can outrun your mind

These memories you'd gag and bind

Torture and abandon

Where no one can find

Just to have one sunny day

Where you could laugh

and run

and play

Instead of work

to keep thoughts away

Those ghosts

of an unhappy yesterday

Which stink of death

and love's decay

They turned their faces

from the sun

And wondered

how much further

they had to run

I'm Sleepy

I'm sleepy

But my mind

Won't rest

I look at you

And remember

I look away

And forget

Why?

Your imprint

On my heart

On my mind

On my soul

Shouldn't that

Be permanent?

I talk

In circles

Walk 

In circles

Because

I guess

I am thinking

In circles

(pretend I formatted the word "circle" into a circle.  I'm sleepy, remember?)

What if every line

Is always a circle

And the beginning

And end

Are just illusions

Delusions

Perspective

Or lack thereof

I should really 

Go

To

Sleep

N

O

W

(goodnight)

In Between

 In between 

Here and there

Is Now

Or is Now

Between 

Past and Present

Is the past

Between

Here and there?

Is the present

Here and now?

Did I?

In the quiet

Of the morning

I chastise myself

For thinking of you 

Still

I worked so hard

To keep my heart

To myself

But 

In the end

It became entangled 

 

And now

I work to free it

Entwined as it is

With my thoughts

And memories

Of you

 

You know

I wanted

To rip my heart

Right out of my chest

And hand it to you

 

But I knew

You wouldn't take it

And I would be left

With a gaping hole

And my blood

All over your floor

 

And I realize

This imagery

Is a little violent

For a love poem

But sometimes

Love

Can feel a little violent

To me

 

You assaulted me

With your vulnerability

Opening up

The way you did

It triggered a thirst 

In me

To know you more

 

The more I knew you

The more I ached

To be your person

The one to hold your heart

A little less violently

Perhaps

Than previously described

How many times

Have I known 

The taste of love?

 

Enough to know

I crave

Its delicious flavor

Its elusive nature

Enough to know

The difference 

Between attraction

And the ability

To deeply connect

On a soul level

I had to walk away

Before you destroyed me

And I know

I did the right thing

Because it hurts so much

And I never even

Gave you my heart

...or did I?

Elements of Mee

Elemental Mee

Aspects

Cornerstones

Of my personality 

Earth

Inclusive of a great divide

But grounded

With no need to hide

Focused on growth

But deeply rooted

Is Earth Mee

The best of me?

 

Fire

Burning with the history

Of humankind's injustice

And oppression

Fire Mee

Monologues angrily

Probably not the best of me

But certainly a necessity

Water

Taking the shape

Of any container

Flowing placidly 

But capable

Of great destruction

Water Mee

An inherent dichotomy

Air

Quick to shift

In a new direction

Fill your lungs

With every breath

Relearn how to breathe

When I leave

Unburden Mee

Unburden me

From thoughts of you

Even

(Especially?)

Those

Lurking on my

Periphery

You hid from me

When all I wanted 

Was to see you

When everything I wanted

Was to love you

You hid from me

Then lied to me

Afraid of what 

I would see

Buried there

In your uncombed psyche

But you lied to me

And now

That’s all I may ever see

You could have

Just opened up

I know how to hold

The darkness of truth

I know how to walk

Over knotted roots

I know how to love

The unlovable

All you had to do

Was show me

All you had to do 

Was trust me

I left thinking

I wasn’t enough

But

In retrospect

Perhaps

I was too much

This Morning

 Two thoughts, before my mind gets bogged down with the weight of work and life:

1.  My job fits like a coat that is too small for me.  There isn't room for my growth.  I have worn it in though, it feels comfortable in a world that changes so much.  I have never liked having to get new shoes or new coats.  It still provides a sense of security and a certain amount of warmth.  But, alas, it is too small.  I have already outgrown it, I am just afraid to choose a new coat.  It's a big decision, what if I decide on the wrong one.  What if I lose my coat altogether?  What's the solution there?  Just move somewhere warm where I won't need a coat?

2.  I think I've been alone too long to fit in anyone's life but my own.  And I'm good with that.