Diary of a Hearbreak: Entry Seven

 The doorbell rang last night.  I ran downstairs in the hopes that it was him, even though my brain wants nothing more to do with him.  My heart and my body would have melted, relieved, into an embrace in that moment.

It was an Amazon delivery person, and no, the package was not for me.

 There was also a phone call from a number I did not recognize.  I was in the shower so I didn't get to it.  There was no message.  Part of me wishes I had answered, just so I could hear his voice again.  Of course, it probably wasn't even him.  But even now, I just want so much to call and speak with him.  But it's 3:49 a.m.  Nothing good happens when you start making decisions after 3 a.m. and before, say, 6:00 a.m.

Yesterday morning...well, two mornings ago now, I asked him (in an email) for some patience and time for my heart to heal.  I went about my work day and then went home and made a delicious salmon dinner for Abacus and myself since Sami is still at my sister's house (she doesn't like salmon) and Nexen was at his dad's (he doesn't like salmon).  After dinner I had two long phone calls with friends, my weekly with Byron and then a surprise conversation with Frank.  

I really don't like talking on the phone but I needed the distraction and I didn't have to talk much on the call with Frank anyway.  After the calls it was late and I went straight to bed.  In the morning, I found he sent me a series of emails which started with stating he has all the patience and love and ending with this was all my fault, that I "plotted and planned" the whole thing.

Because I signed him up on Plenty of Fish and forced him to text women, asking to get together, while I gave my heart and mind and body to him?  I'm not sure how his mind is creating this scenario successfully, but I do know that it's helping me see my choice to walk away is the right one.

Yesterday morning I wrote and mailed my letter to his mom.  I put my whole heart and truth in it.  I realize she may not read it.  It will hurt if it gets returned to sender.  But that's okay.  I'm on the outside now, he has shut me out of his heart and family.  He feels he needs to, I am sure.  Maybe he does, for my sake as much as his.

I just pray, if I fall in love again, I fall in love with a man who has faith in my love and is rigorously honest.  I will be the same, faithful in my love to him and rigorously honest.  That's a very strong foundation for a successful union, in my book.

For now, I just pray to be released from the hold Adonis has over my heart, body and mind.  I pray to be free of my connection to him, especially since it seems to only be hurting both of us right now.  And I pray to get better sleep, as lack of sleep addles my mind and weakens my resolve!

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Six

 Soooo, I haven't written in quite a few days.  I think I have been ashamed.

I have fallen from my resolve.

I have been working on my puzzle, but Saturday I was feeling strong and healthy and so I reached out to him.  My logic was that if I just tell him I don't want to talk to him anymore, he will stop doing things like showing up at my work.

Buuuut, instead we just got into a shouting match.  Or rather, several.  I should have known better.  In the end, Abacus came to my rescue.  He is the best boy.  I enjoyed a quiet Sunday.

But Monday, he emailed.  And I have been emailing him back and forth.  I did end-up filtering out his emails, but I couldn't bring myself to send them straight to junk.  So I still check them sporadically throughout the day.

My friends are up in arms for the most part.  They have made very clear their feelings about this situation.

And, as much as it hurts, I am going to have to walk away.  And not just walk away, but go cold turkey.

Time to filter his emails to junk.

*sigh*

Perfect, perfect Rumi

 I posted a challenge on theprose.com for writers to post a poem that really inspires them.  Sharing this one here because it's perfect.  Credit to @slnmten for entering it in my challenge!

Quietness - by Rumi

Inside this new love, die.

Your way begins on the other side.

Become the sky.

Take an axe to the prison wall.

Escape.

Walk out like someone suddenly born into color.

Do it now.

You are covered with thick cloud.

Slide out the side. Die,

and be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign

that you have died.

Your old life was a frantic running

from silence.

The speechless full moon

comes out now.

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Five

 He showed-up at my work today.  We have glass doors so I saw him.  I pretended not to, even though he saw me see him.  He sat down to wait.  I called the front desk and asked them to tell him whatever he had he could just leave, that I didn't want to see him.

He waited out front.  One of the guys told me.  I snuck out the back door.

I came home and watched a sad movie.  I decided to call him, to tell him to leave me alone.  When he tried to speak, I screamed at him that he has no right to speak to me.  I screamed and cried for a few minutes.  I told him what Nexen had said, in his truck he let me borrow, on the way to his house that fateful day.  Then I hung-up.

A dear friend from an old job texted.  Her thinking of me fortified me.  I keep being reminded how blessed I am.  How many beautiful people I know who have shared their love and their lives with me.  I am not a garbage person.  I do not need to keep people in my life who treat me like trash.

I just have to keep reminding myself.

There remains a part of me that wishes I could have amnesia so I could be blissfully happy in his arms again.  But I just keep reminding myself, it wasn't real.  It wasn't real.  Which hurts each time I remember, but living a lie hurts far more.

My puzzle is still in its shrink wrap.  But I will open it tomorrow and begin.  Tonight, however, I need food, or rest, or both.

I am, however, proud of myself for not bringing home any alcohol or other to ease this pain.  Or staying out somewhere now that restaurants are open again.  I belong here, in my home, healing and grieving.  The old me, the pre-Adonis, would not have made this choice.  So here, once again, I am thankful.

And I will go to sleep with love, gratitude, pain, and sadness in my heart.  And I wish my former love a good night as well.  And a good rest of his life.

  

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Four

 I slept again last night.  Five hours and 13 minutes straight (thank you Fitbit).  Thanks to being well rested, I had a bit of an epiphany this morning.  You're going to have to excuse the fact that it took me nearly 45 years to realize something that many people (most, I hope?) intrinsically know, but that has not been my path.  Anyway, I realized that as long as I continue to think of myself as garbage, I will continue to find people to treat me as such.

Don't get me wrong, I have had moments of happiness and loving myself and I bask in the warmth and light of some really, truly, amazingly wonderful friendships.  However, when it comes to men, it's like they can peer down into my soul and see I'm missing something, they sense my devastatingly low self-esteem, and it is extremely attractive to certain types of men.

These men give me just enough to hook me, just enough love, just enough kindness, to fill my void.  And then they go for the jugular.  And they aren't even bad men.  But they are men who don't trust women.  And they aren't trustworthy.  When you are dealing with a man who is not trustworthy, you are always under fire because they can't conceive of  a world where you are truly loving and devoted only to them.  At the same time, I can never fathom what they are doing, because I cannot conceive of a world where I would do something like that to the man I love.  So here we are not understanding each other at all, until it all blows up.  And then I can see it all so clearly.  Even with past experiences to guide me, I still can't always see.  Or maybe, in this case, I really, really didn't want to.

Now this is has not been every man.  I've known many good men.  I've never felt deserving of them.  So those relationships couldn't last.  Other relationships we loved each other then grew apart.  But these soul devastation situations, these are with this one certain type of man.

And now, finally, the year I turn 45, I understand.  I have to stop believing I am garbage to attract men who will treat me with the type of respect and love I have to offer them.  Period.

 I bought a puzzle recently.  I was drawn to the website by a social justice coloring book and I saw the meta puzzles and impulse bought one.  Now, I am going to use that 1,000 piece puzzle as a guidepost and meditative release.  As I work to complete the puzzle, I will use that space to grieve the loss of this love and work through all of the complicated emotions associated therewith.  When I put that final piece of the puzzle in, I will be taking back the key he held to my heart, and I will take back the title to my body.  Wrong or right, I handed the man my whole self.  Body, mind, spirit and most importantly, my greatest treasure, my precious heart.  They are out there in limbo now, as he left them to pursue his other interests, and I, in mourning, am not ready to reclaim them.  

But the day will come.  And if I get lost and try to forget my problem instead of deal with it (which puts me in the dangerous territory known as the backslide zone), I will have a super tangible reminder, as the puzzle will remain unfinished in my living room. 

Honestly, I feel the pain everywhere.  It manifests physically even.  But as long I keep breathing, the time will pass.  And the passage of time will shift the pain from acute, to intense, to throbbing, to persistent, to a knot in my heart which, someday, maybe someone new will release completely.

Yes!

https://music.apple.com/us/album/too-much/1192537641?i=1192537669

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Three

 He sent me flowers yesterday.  The card read,"I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me And Let's Talk.  I Wouls (sic) Never Betray Or Deceive You.  I'm Loyal And Dedicated To You Forever.  I Love You.  Adonis."

I wanted to print out all the screenshots and mail them to with his hypocritical card.

I look again and again at the pictures in my phone.  I read his words to these women.  I look at the photographs they sent him and he sent them.  And my HEART BREAKS AGAIN AND AGAIN.  Over and over it breaks.  Over and over.  

I do this so I don't forget, not for one second, how little regard the man I was going to marry has for me.  Because my heart wants all this hurt to go away with a hug and a kiss and a promise that everything will be different.  But I know I can't ever be with him again.  But my heart and my body yearn for him.  They had been given over to him 100%.  My intuitive mind, it tried to tell me but it wasn't strong enough.

I curse myself for not seeing it earlier.  For putting myself through this.  For spending all my money going to visit his family.  For still, even now, wanting nothing more than for this to be a dream from which I wake-up and we're in love again and there's no undercurrent of philandering.

But, alas, there probably never was a time he wasn't doing this to me.  And I don't even know if he's just been catfishing or if he's actually seeing some or all of these women.

And now I feel sick all over again.  But that's what it takes for me to stay strong.  I just have to keep facing that pain, again and again.  Losing my trust, over and over.  Breaking my heart, until it's so exhausted, he is purged from it and has no power over me.

I have a long way to go.  *sigh*