Yes!

https://music.apple.com/us/album/too-much/1192537641?i=1192537669

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Three

 He sent me flowers yesterday.  The card read,"I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me And Let's Talk.  I Wouls (sic) Never Betray Or Deceive You.  I'm Loyal And Dedicated To You Forever.  I Love You.  Adonis."

I wanted to print out all the screenshots and mail them to with his hypocritical card.

I look again and again at the pictures in my phone.  I read his words to these women.  I look at the photographs they sent him and he sent them.  And my HEART BREAKS AGAIN AND AGAIN.  Over and over it breaks.  Over and over.  

I do this so I don't forget, not for one second, how little regard the man I was going to marry has for me.  Because my heart wants all this hurt to go away with a hug and a kiss and a promise that everything will be different.  But I know I can't ever be with him again.  But my heart and my body yearn for him.  They had been given over to him 100%.  My intuitive mind, it tried to tell me but it wasn't strong enough.

I curse myself for not seeing it earlier.  For putting myself through this.  For spending all my money going to visit his family.  For still, even now, wanting nothing more than for this to be a dream from which I wake-up and we're in love again and there's no undercurrent of philandering.

But, alas, there probably never was a time he wasn't doing this to me.  And I don't even know if he's just been catfishing or if he's actually seeing some or all of these women.

And now I feel sick all over again.  But that's what it takes for me to stay strong.  I just have to keep facing that pain, again and again.  Losing my trust, over and over.  Breaking my heart, until it's so exhausted, he is purged from it and has no power over me.

I have a long way to go.  *sigh*

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry Two

 So sleep remains elusive.  I can usually fall asleep, exhausted, around 9 or 10 p.m.  But I wake-up a few hours later with this stabbing pain in my chest.  Oh, right, that's my broken heart.

I don't really wonder why as much as I don't understand how.  How could he so thoroughly and consistently do the ONE thing I begged him not to do to me.  How could he not be willing to let go of all those girls when he knew I was hot on his trail?  How could he LET ME SEE THAT??  A simple change of his password.  We would have had another issue, because I would know in my heart he was lying to me.  But to do nothing to keep my heart safe from this complete devastation is just so fucking callous and cold.

I guess the real question is how could I have not seen.  Again.  How could I keep going back, again and again, KNOWING in my heart 1 and 1 was equaling 3.  But I wanted SO MUCH to believe the words he was telling me instead of the truth being shown to me.  And the sick part?  There's still part of me that wants to believe in the love we had.

But look how one-sided it was.

I just keep looking at the photographs.  That face, my man's face...all his words...to them...we look so hot together, I want you, do me, please let's get together ASAP, I want to kiss those lips...Chrissy, Kim, Deanna...

I forget to breathe because part of me doesn't want to live in this world without my baby.  But he never really was all those things he said.  I thought he was mine.  But clearly he never really gave me his body, heart, mind and future the way I gave him mine.

So I find a way to breathe.  And wait for the pain to subside.  But there's moments when I don't think it ever will.  And there's the moments when I KNOW it never will.  This is never going to stop hurting me.  But eventually it will hurt less.  And eventually, it will not be the ONLY thing on my mind, and in my heart.  I just have to be patient.  And fill in those rips and tears and jagged places of my heart with love for myself and the knowledge that I did absolutely everything I could to show that man my love for him.  I am not responsible for the fact that he couldn't see, feel and accept it.  Someday, I will be whole again.  Someday.

Diary of a Heartbreak: Entry One

On January 16, 2021, at 11:01 p.m., after a whirlwind week relationship-wise, I felt stronger than ever about my future with the man I called my husband.  We'd had some serious arguments earlier in the week, one of which was about the content of his phone.  Over the weekend I happened to see a crazy number of Michele's listed in his phone while he was scrolling for someone's number, sitting next to me on his cousin's couch.  When I asked him about it he said something along the lines of, "You know, the cloud keeps everything."

This raised a red flag in my head because he had made it a point to tell me, earlier in our relationship, that he deleted every female from his phone that wasn't a friend or family.  Things may stay in the cloud, but they don't magically show back up in your phone at random intervals, after you have deleted them from your phone.

I let this go for the time being, it wasn't the time or place, and I continued to strengthen my connection with him and desire to be with him, moment by moment, over the course of the weekend.

Thursday night was extremely volatile.  I had hurt feelings over something that happened and he, in turn, had hurt feelings because I didn't immediately comply with his demand to Uber to his house.  In the end, I did Uber to his house but because of the arguments from Wednesday and earlier in the evening, it didn't go well and I left.  I kept trying, however, to maintain a connection and talk things through.  He picked me up (I was walking home but was so upset I had lost my way), and I asked him to pull over so we could talk.

 During the course of his talk the contents of his phone came up.  He told me that I know the password and I am free to look at any time.  But then he wouldn't let me hold his phone to look.  He turned it around and said, "Well, what's on your phone?".  So, since I have nothing to hide, I handed him my phone.  He scrolled through my contacts questioning me on names and numbers, they all checked out.  He scrolled through my recent calls and messages, nothing exciting - just work and friends and family.  So I grabbed his phone and had enough time to see his recent calls were all female first names with a state listed after them and the notation "wg" next to several.  He snatched the phone back and refused to give it to me so, of course, suspect, right?

 We argued about this the whole rest of the way to my house while he is maintaining I could 100% see his phone he had nothing to hide while refusing to let me see it.  Finally I jumped out of the car, I couldn't take it anymore.  I knew there is no way someone who loves me and has nothing to hide would let me get to the point of upset that I did over the contents of his phone.  He said the reason I couldn't see his phone was because he didn't like the way I was acting.  Of course it was making me insane that he would say he has nothing to hide all the while hiding it.

 Still, I got home and my heart just wouldn't let it go.   I ubered back to his house and made love to him.  Fell asleep, woke-up, made love to him again and then I asked him, because I wasn't acting crazy at all and had, in fact, just given myself to him multiple times, to see his phone.  Again the words out of his mouth were, "Of course you can, you can take it with you and dissect it." So I said okay, hand me your phone.  He refused.  Again.

Seriously.  He had the time, he knew I was in an Uber back to his house, but he just wasn't willing to get rid of the evidence.

So here we are it's Friday morning.  I say to him, if I can't see the phone, I am leaving.  So I go to leave.  He insists on driving me.  I let him drive me to work.  The whole way we argue (of course he didn't bring his phone).  I tell him to let me hold the phone for thirty seconds, or produce the engagement ring he told me first, "I'm saving to buy a new one." and second, "It's in my safe deposit box." and third, last night "I have it."  So I asked him to put one of those items in my hand and I would drop the other.  Instead, he dropped me at work and let me walk out of his life. 

But see, the story doesn't even end here.  By now it is blatantly obvious to me that he has stuff on his phone he has to hide and that he doesn't have my engagement ring.  AND, I had told him earlier in our relationship, after catching him in a lie, that the ONE THING I cannot deal with is my man lying to me.

I am at work, he gets home, gets his phone and starts calling and texting.  I was maintaining that he had to give me either the phone or the ring, but I then threw in a third option.  I said TELL ME THE TRUTH, about what's on the phone or where the ring is, and you get a pass for that lie.  He comes clean about that fact that he pawned my engagement ring.  True to my word, I gave him a pass for it.  He had been lying for months about this.  Now, it never was about where the ring actually was, I am the one who gave it back to him, after all, it was 100% about the lying.

  UNBELIEVABLY, I even agree to meet him for lunch.  Of course lunch turns into going back to his house and making love and then grabbing me some food to eat at my desk at work.  After work?  BACK TO HIS HOUSE to have some more intimate time.  He dropped me off at my house after, and I was to come back over after my oldest was home and my youngest was asleep as he was letting me borrow his car the next day to take my daughter to my sister's house where she is staying a couple weeks.

He was supposed to pick me up after he went out to see his buddies but he says he fell asleep at home which at this point I am not even sure I believe.  It pains me to think of what he was doing instead.  And yes, I know for a fact that this man has the stamina to have been with me that many times that day and STILL have been able to be with someone else as well.  He's a freak of nature.

Anyway, he calls me around 12:15 and my youngest was still awake so although my oldest was home from work I wasn't ready to be picked up.  Then, I fell asleep.  I woke-up around 2:15 and called him and he said to Uber over, so I did, got there around 2:50 (I know this because I checked my ride records, you'll understand why later).  Of course, we made love again.  Woke-up and made love again at 6:00 a.m.  I left at 7:30 a.m., with his truck, so I could be home before my youngest woke-up (I had promised him that night I would be there when he woke-up).  

Now, I had asked him to ride with us, meet my sister and her family, but he declined.  It hurt a little that he did, but I wasn't stressing over it.  There had been plenty of times I declined to go out and meet his people (granted, that's because I was with him and not in a state to meet people, but still, I let it go).  When all is said and done, my daughter dropped off and I am back in the City, we ask if he is going to just drive us straight home or if he wants to hang out.  He says he wants to hang out.  Now, I have my youngest with me, because my oldest works all day Saturday.  This is the first time he has been to the home of the man I called my husband.  It's kind of a big deal for me.

On the ride over, my youngest says, "I love Adonis, is that weird?"  I tell him no, because I love him so that makes sense.  He said, "Yeah because he's family, right?"  And my heart melts and I say yes, baby.  He's family.

So, we hang out at his place, the three of us, for the first time ever.  It was SO MUCH FUN.  I was so happy and I saw our whole future...everything I was worried about melted away and things working out just fine.  Better than fine, even.

Still, at 11:01 p.m. when the man I considered my husband fell asleep, snoring contentedly, and I saw his phone lying on the floor in front of me, I grabbed it.  Just for my own piece of mind.  After all, he told me I could see it whenever I wanted, over and over again.  He hadn't changed the pass code, so that was a good sign, right?  Wrong.  He just really didn't care enough to cover his tracks, even knowing that I am hot on his trail about this phone thing.

I wanted to post the 17 screenshots I took here, but I feel like that's going too far.  I got through four girls before the urge to vomit was so strong I had to leave.  These were his most recent text messages.  I didn't even get to his calls or photos.  He was telling them all he wanted to meet up or "do them", etc.  How hot they are and how hot they would look together.  It was absolutely brutal to see.  The kicker was the 3:06 a.m. text message, "I want you Deanna.".  Want to know why?  Because, if you recall, I WAS AT HIS HOUSE IN HIS BED.

I wasn't quiet enough so he woke-up and tried to stop us from leaving.  That's a fight we've had many times.  But this time, I had my sidekick.  So I told him to tell Mr. Adonis we want to leave right now.  At least he's enough of a man to refrain from fighting an eight year old.  He moved out of the way and here's hoping that's the last I ever see of that man.  

Now, here I am, three days later, still obsessing over this.  I have looked at the group of photographs probably over 100 times.  Because every. single. time. I start to feel like I should hear him out, I look at them.  

I have to re-learn how to go to sleep without him in my mind and heart.  How to wake-up without him.  How to get through each day knowing I am not going to see him again.  How to think without remembering.  How to breathe in this new life where my heart was ripped out of my chest and handed to not one, but at least four other women.

Don't get me wrong.  I have unending gratitude.  I could have ended-up a single mom with four kids instead of three.  I could have had to go through a second divorce.  I could have gotten a tattoo with his name on it.  I could have had to go through the separation of a single household.  All of these he desperately wanted from me.  Also, more silver lining, I can't bring myself to eat, so that will help my weight loss goals.  I am so sad though.  So hurt.  So broken.  AGAIN.  It's all I can do, just to keep breathing right now.  And I'm not even doing great at that.

Dear Nexen

Watching you sleep

Reminds me

How often

I forget to breathe

And not just in moments

When my breath

Is taken away

But in the moments

That are gray

In the ticking, tolling tempo

Of every day

 

And forgetting to breathe

Is like forgetting to love myself

And forgetting to love myself

Leaves me vulnerable

To the belief

That another person's love

Is more important than mine 

 

And I can love you

With everything

But when I succumb 

To the belief

That I am nothing

Everything

Doesn't amount to much

 

Yet here you are

Loving me 

With your whole heart

The only way

You know 

How to love

And I simply have to remember

I taught you that

 

Zelda's Inferno 10/18/2020

 

 

 

A faint glitter

In the night sky

A heart-shaped moon

Stands by

Watching over

A field of shadows

Dancing under

The crimson tide

A younger me

 A younger she

Painting together

Those years ago

Our hearts and minds

Connected

A sadness grips me

In this moment

As the memory

Is reflected

I long for that little girl

Who hugged her Mommy tight

And whsipered that she loved me

When I tucked her in at night

This painting is a portal

And I cherish 

That moment in Time

I am so grateful

For every minute

That her love has filled

This life of mine 

Raise your hand if you think this song is about me.