If I Could Feel

If I could feel
What it is
To know your life
Your thoughts
The world
Through your eyes
The sum
Of your experience
The callings
Of your heart
The musings
Of your mind

If I could hear
My words
As they fall
On your ears

If I could see
My impact
As it builds
Your heart and mind

If I could touch
Your heart
The way
You've touched mine

I would tell you
I'm sorry
For all my missteps
I'm proud
Of who I see
And I love
Who you have become
Unconditionally

I miss you

In the darkness
Of the night
I long for you
In my line of sight
When I reach out
And you are there
It's a feeling
Beyond compare
And I share
The unfairness
Of it all
In the moments
Between
When I wake up
Next to you
And close my eyes
Again
With your image
The last thing
In view
And I feel
Things unravel
In those moments
Between
And I feel
Things
Unravel
In these moments
Between

But I
Am stronger
Than I realize
Most days
And I
Am stronger
Than you
Realize
And my love
Is stronger
Than you
Could possibly
Know
So we'll just
Keep coming together
And see
Where it goes

And I know
You want things
I can't offer
Right now
But I know
You want things
I will offer
When the time
Is right
So if we keep
The fear
At bay
If we love
Through
The lonely
Days
We could know
A new happiness
And I could write
Of the fullness
Of our love
Of the completeness
Of our life
Together
Instead

Truth

The truth is
I never thought
I deserved you
So funny
Cool
Handsome
Loving
Intelligent
Fun
Respectful
Determined
Patient

I never understood
What you saw in me

I clearly
Never understood
What you needed from me

I fell in love
Despite myself
And now
I pay the price

But I would pay it again
And again
Because allowing myself
To know your love
Is the nicest thing
I have done for Mee
Possibly ever

My Story

My story
My narrative
It entertains
It amuses
Sometimes
It impresses
People tell me
I should write it down
Share it
But
The truth is
I need to let it go
For too long
I have been shackled
By the life
I allowed to happen
By not standing up
For myself
By not
Taking personal responsibility
For my present
My future
My past
For not seeing myself
As worthy
To breathe the same air
As others
And it hurts
To think
Of all the pain
I've caused
Hiding
From my own light
Because it hurts
To look back
On my missteps
But to forgive
Myself
I need to examine
That story
Accept all
That has brought me
To this place
In my life
And forgive myself
For not being more protective
Of my heart
And everyone else's.

The sleepless nights
Continue
And I fear
It will be a long time
Before
I sleep soundly
Again
But this time
I will honor
All the good
And be vigilant
To not repeat
Mistakes of the past

Failure hurts
Almost as much
As a broken heart
And when they come
As a package
It's a lot to handle

I feel as though
My future found me
But wished to have found me
In the past
And the present
Was never enough
I was too slow
To see
Too slow
To trust
Too slow
To illuminate his world
With the woman
He must have glimpsed
Inside of me
The one I want
To spend more time
Being

I wish I could have shown him
Before it was too late
Now to honor the love
I found with him
I just have to show myself
And not get lost again

Something

There has to be
Something
I can do
To get this feeling
Out of my head
Out of my body

Except
I can't
Even
Identify it

I don't know
What's wrong
With me
This morning

But it's something.

I hope
I figure it out
Very soon.

Love

I looked for you in poetry
I looked for you in dreams
I looked for you in tears
I looked for you in screams

I looked for you in heartache
I looked for you in happiness
I looked for you in gluttony
I looked for you in emptiness

I looked for you in pain
I looked for you in pride
I looked for you in nature
I looked for you inside

And now
I've found you
I can see you
But I want to run and hide

I've found you
I can feel you
Something new has come alive

I've found you
I can hold you
But never long enough

I've found you
I can love you
I just can't speak my words

I've found you
I can lose you
Was I better off just looking?

I Love You

But you don't know
I'm too afraid
To show it
Because at every pass
I seem to blow it
And every time
I expect
You'll never
Speak to me again
And in bracing myself for that
I hold back
And the cycle continues

And maybe
I'm right this time

I have failed
At every relationship
I have ever had
Yet
Somehow
You are surprised
When I don't know
How to properly
Diffuse conflict

If I had that skill
I would probably still be married

Yet I know
That this issue
We keep having
It's not 100% me,
It's just not.
You may be great at talking
But listening
Seems to be a problem

If you ask me to speak,
Then let me speak.
If, after 10 minutes of framing words in my head
And trying to get them out of my mouth
To answer a question of yours,
You cut me off
And accuse me of not trying
When I've just stated that I am
And, honestly,
Went through a lot just to be near you
And when I got there
You didn't even want me to face in your direction
Or touch you
Or breathe...

Fuck.

I would never
Put myself
Through this insanity
I would never
Compromise my family
Create rifts with my children
For someone
I didn't love
With my whole heart

But now
I'm starting to wonder
If I'm just being stubborn
At this point

What is so
Fucking
Great
About waiting
Days
That feel like weeks
To see you
And spend time with you
Just to feel this fucking bad

You know why
I am so bad at this?
BECAUSE I DON'T DO IT
It's not worth my time
It's not worth my energy
To try and invest in a relationship
When the beginning is so scary
And unknown
And I have so many things at stake
More than my ego
More than my heart

My family
Their hearts
Their trust
Their respect, even

So I don't engage
I keep it all separate
Dating
My relationships with men
And yes
It's made it harder for us
Because there is no precedent
Our relationship is the precedent

And you don't seem to understand
Why I don't just say fuck it all
I'm the grown-up
I make the decisions
He will be in our lives
Whether you like it or not
It's my house
And I control who comes in and out

The thing is
It's not MY house
It's OUR house
And you're not in MY life
You're in OUR life
And it's not about wanting to be with ME
It's about wanting to be with US

And I've told you that I love you
But I don't know how you feel
Other than you "adore" me
And think I'm "fine" and "hot"

Honestly, I don't even know why
You still talk to me
It's not worth it at all
If there's no love here

I know I love you
And I know I have failed
At proving that to you
I have failed at showing you
I have failed at communicating it to you
So maybe
That's the truth
For which I am looking
I have failed
To love you enough
To make you believe in us
And that's why it's all falling apart
Or always feels like it is

And I don't even know what to do now
But at least my head
Feels a little lighter