The Letter

I wrote you
A letter
Illuminating
The dark places
In my brain
The secrets
Of my heart
I thought
Through this act
I could purge you
From my brain
Release you
From my heart

But
Alas
The poetry
Has started

This
Is harder
For me
Than usual
Because I know
There are people
Out there
Who read this blog
For updates
For clues
Where I have been
Where I am going
Am I
Any closer
To them?

But
Perhaps
This
Will be good
For them too

Maybe knowing
Will release them
Maybe writing
Will release me

The things
I didn't do
Or say
Won't stop
Replaying
In my brain
Stabbing
At my heart

But really
There was nothing
To say
Or do

Because I was just lucky
To have
The moment I did
With you

Right?

The Truth that Burns

I

Despise

Dishonesty

Yet

I acknowledge 

Some truths 

Are painful

To release

By holding back

My feelings

Is that a lie by omission?

You

Certainly 

Think so

But our truth

Is painful

It hurts

To remember 

Even

If remembering

Is part

Of the process

Of letting go

Actually 

I think

That makes it

Hurt double

Because 

I don’t 

Want

To let go

I don’t 

Want to remember 

I don’t 

Want

To forget 

And I don’t 

Want

To give up

The secrets

Of my heart

You present me

With candles

Sometimes

Torches

Sometimes

Bonfires

Finally

Asking me

To sit with you

And illuminate 

Our past

Walk hand in hand

And remember

Together

What it was

And I say

It’s a fire hazard

And extinguish

The flame

Mee

The cowardly dragon

Since when

Have I become

Afraid of fire?

Dear Abacus and Samurai,

Tonight I feel as though I have more tears than words.  Still, I am compelled to write.  Your eyes which once watched me full of wonder, awe and love now look on with judgment, disdain.  I can't pretend it doesn't hurt, and I can't magically become someone else who might be more palatable.  And still my love for you only grows (even though at times my tolerance may shrink).  As it grows, my heart breaks a little.  More.  It breaks a little more. 

Yup.  Definitely more tears than words.

I surrender to them.

Goodnight.  

The Fiction of You

The fiction 

Of you

I wish

It were true

The person

You lied

Into existence

The person

Whose heart

I thought

I knew

When all

You did

Was reflect

My heart

Back to me

And I thought

You

Were so beautiful

But really

It was my love

I was seeing

You 

You have

No such

Capacity

For love

And now

Like 

Swallowed glass

You rip me apart

From the inside

Whenever

I allow myself

To feel

Whenever

I try

To heal

The fiction

Of you

I wish

It were

True

The truth 

Of Mee

I don't

Know how

To see

When everyone 

Writes

Their own

Fiction of Mee

And it's easier

To live

In your story

Than to write

My own

Sadness

If there
Was a tragedy
Lurking behind your eyes
I didn't see it
In time

Or maybe
I did
And
I did nothing
Or anyway
Not enough

I know
I can't
Save the world

But it's possible
Is it possible?
I could have
Helped
You

I hope
With all my heart
That someone can

Music Mood

Reality

Reality
Is more
Than merely
My
Perception
Of
Life

Reality
Is
My experience
And
Perception
In conjunction
With that
Of everyone
Else

Delusion
Is where
You refuse
To acknowledge
The experience
And perception
Of another
And insist
That your
Own perception
Is the only
Reality

You
Deem yourself
Above
Labeling me
As delusional
All the while
Refusing
To acknowledge
My experience
My perception
Believing in
Honoring
Only
Your own

You
Deem yourself
Wisest
Of all
Certifying
That knowledge
With a piece
Of paper
And
Initials
Hard earned
Granted
But this
"Wisdom"
Has you blind
To reality

Physically
Financially
Spiritually
And
Emotionally
YOU
Damaged
Me

I
Have not
Sought
Vengeance
Retaliation
A path
Of hate
Or
Of harm

In fact
Quite
The opposite

But you
In your delusion
Allow yourself
To see
Only
Negative Mee
And she
Isn't
Even
Real
She only
Lives
In your head

The Mee
Most others
Know
And see
Is more
Representative
Of
Reality

But you
Deny
She exists
Choosing
Instead
To continue
On your path
Of hate
And harm

I try
To let it go
See past
Live with compassion
Letting go
Forgiveness
Letting go
But still
I lose sleep
Wondering
Crying
Why

Why
Can't we
Just be
Happy
Left alone
Autonomous
I asked
For nothing
But space
You chose
To suffocate me
With lawsuits
And the lies
Of your poisoned mind

You didn't
Kill me
Yet
But
You came close
Very close

Once again
I rise up
Out
Of my own
Perceived
Defeat
Only
Because
For every
Thought
And action
Of hate
You unleash
Upon me
And my children
There is
A counter thought
And counter action
Of love
And kindness
And I
Can see that
Now
I
Can feel that
Now
And I
Can
Accept that
Now