(Dis)quiet

(Dis)jointed
Incohesive
(Dis)array
Nonlinear
(Dis)appear
Invisible
(Dis)enchanted
Nonchalant

Relevant

Everyone

Lesson of the Day:

EVERYONE has the capacity to be an asshole.  Everyone.  No matter how nice you think they are when you are getting to know them.

The end.

Truth

Hey

Where are you?

Have you left me?

I have been searching

I am always searching

I have been hurting

I am often hurting

I have been feeling

Mostly

Because I stopped drinking so much

But anyway

I am wondering

Where you are

Are you in reality

If so

Whose?

Mine

Someone else's

Everyone's?

Are you in

Subconscious thought

Hiding

In the mental meanderings

Of sleepers

Of dreamers

Are you in the past?

The present?

The future?

Are you everywhere?

Nowhere?

I need you

I need you to light my way

It's dark

And I'm confused

and I don't want to hurt myself

Or anyone else

But,

Truth,

I have met you before

So I already know

Hurt follows you

Like a shadow on a sunny day

Still

I will take the pain

Which comes

With illumination

I just hope

Everyone else

Can do the same...

Dear Abacus,

Sometimes
When I try to write
About my love for you
I feel my heart
Wanting to burst
Or perhaps
The feeling is more like
Implosion

You see
Until I held you
Minutes old
The smallest you would ever be

Until you breathed
That same air
As I was breathing

How could I know what life was?
How could I know what life meant?

Some people
Have this amazing gift
This ability to see
To know
To understand
Without needing this little life connection
To change their perspective
And open their mind

I lacked that gift
And so opening to you
Was opening to the world
And opening my heart to love you
Was finally
At long last
Opening my heart
To love myself

Every aspect
Of carrying you
Birthing you
Caring for you
Watching you grow
Has been a lesson
In how to treat myself
And everyone else

More love
More kindness
More compassion
More understanding

You are going to be thirteen soon.
You still smile at me when I walk in the door.
You still reach for my hand when we walk down the street.
You still tell me you love me when we hang up the phone.
You still catalyze positive growth with every milestone.

I can't put into words
What it means to know you
What it means to know
That you're my son
But I will put it into every hug
Every kiss
And every "I love you"
And just hope
That you continue to smile
And reach for me
And say "I love you"
And that I continue to grow

Love,
Mama

Dreams

If I
Permeate
Your dreams
Maybe
You
Could take
Me there
Remind
Me
What it is
To know you

Expose
Your subconscious
Desires
Fears
Absurdities

In the dreams
I've forgotten
Perhaps
You reside?

Passion

So I've been dating.  It wasn't until (well) after my relationship with the baby's father that I even realized I should try doing such a thing.  Prior to then I just sort of fell into relationships.  Randomly and generally most passionately.  I suppose I have gotten older and wiser.  Not really knowing how to approach dating, or even whether I was truly ready or if it was something I wanted or needed, I did something which speaks to my relative maturity.  I sought help.

That's really all beside the point though.  What I really wanted to think about (and I do my best thinking through writing) is a question which one of the guys in the dating world asked me.  What am I really passionate about?  What am I really passionate about?  Being a mom, sure.  Natural birth advocacy, yes.  But those are both passions borne of something else, someone else.  I hesitated to answer so long that I fell asleep before responding.  And now, now I am not sure how to respond.

Prior to children, what were my passions?  I think maybe I was too lost to have real passions.  But is that possible?  I suppose it is.  If passion is emotion I certainly lacked the emotional depth I have today had a few years ago.  There were things I loved to do, sure.  Reading, writing, art (drawing, painting), dancing, video games.  I was certainly passionate about the guys I was with, at least the serious ones.  But none of it feels real, or lasting, looking back.  I guess because I let so much go?  If I were truly passionate, would I not still be doing all of those things?  I mean sure, to some extent I still do all of those things and I even lose myself in them sometimes but does that equal passion?  I'm not so sure anymore.

I suppose I have to answer "I don't know."  It's a rather lackluster answer when all is said and done but I can't lie.  I like a lot of things, even love them, but I think maybe I (once again) lack the emotional depth to exhibit real passion.  I'd love to have a thing.  The way Sami has dance.  The way Ab has video and computer games.  The way Nexen has cars.  

The fact of the matter is, allowing myself to feel has been so incredibly painful that I retreated to the shallow end.  Feeling the depth of the universe of emotion inside me and opening up to it and others and feeling so buoyant and free for a while only to have the water open up and swallow me (because, you know, emotions are water) and dare me to breathe again...it was all I could do to make it back to the shallow end.  I feel like I need to dive back in if I want to be serious about living my life fully and I suppose that would open me up to knowing passion again.  

The question now is, is this an overnight thing?  Can I just jump back into the deep end and trust my ability to swim or do I have to take my time and feel the depth of the water as I make my way slowly back to that place?  

All I know right now is this.  I am thankful to that man, for asking that question, and reminding me of how I used to be able to feel.  The rest, I suppose, is up to Mee.