Right Now

Thanks @TSR.

A Moment

Moments like these
Only last a few moments
Unless you can find
The key
To opening your own heart
That place
Where the light shines
That place
Which illuminates
Your insides

That light
It's been so dim
In my eyes
The past few months
You could get lost
Looking for it
But if you were to stare
Long enough
You would've seen
I hadn't managed
To extinguish it
Just yet
(Not for lack of trying)

Where have I been
All this time
Hiding
Within myself
Behind the walls
Of depression
I'd built
And worn
Like armor
To keep them away
To keep them at bay
Those moments
Those moments like these

I wanted nothing
To do with happiness
I wanted nothing
To do with personal growth
Fuck change for the better
Fuck maturity
Fuck being responsible
Fuck all the progress
And all the promises
I'd made
For myself
To myself
Fuck it all

If you were looking for me
That's where I was
And it's better
No one really came looking
Because I'd use that
As an excuse
To add another layer
Of armor
Another brick
To the wall

Moments like these
Only last a few moments
Until you can find
Yourself
Within the fortification
The maze of defenses
You locked yourself inside
Thinking then
And only then
Were you safe

But spending
So much time
With yourself
You realize
The danger
Is not coming from the outside
It's coming from within

And now
Now you're stuck there
With yourself
You look to see
If you've left
Any chinks in the armor
Any cracks in the wall
Any place
Where you can reach
Someone
On the outside
To help pull you out

And then
You find
You've pushed them all away
They can't even see you anymore
Beneath the layers
Within the fortress
Behind the walls

And in that moment
Which looks so much like despair
Unexpectedly
You stumble upon hope
You trip over love
You fall into motivation
And it's your own
It's your moment
To know
Everything you've done
Can be undone
And in that moment
You've found the key
To open your heart
And let your light shine
Once again

Look into my eyes
This morning
You won't get lost
Anymore
You'll find me there
Where I belong
In this moment
And I will work
To make this moment
Last longer
Than a moment

2011: The Year of Letting Go and Moving On

I realize it's sad that 2010 was the year of holding on and going nowhere, but I guess that was what I needed.  I'm ready to move on now, and it's about the greatest feeling I've ever known, aside from when I was happy with the person I've now been able to let go of and move on from.

Don't get me wrong, starting over sucks.  I've never been good at meeting people and I haven't gotten much better.  But life looks a lot better, and feels a lot better, now that I'm facing forward instead of always looking back.  That and I trip over myself a whole lot less.  Well, we'll see about that.

Do You

Do you
Want to know me
Or
Do you
Just want
To fuck me?

I really want
To know
Because
I'm bored
Of boys

I'm ready
For a man
To stand up
And show me something
I don't want to leave

Magic

I had magic
I never learned
Its secret
Not before
The magic
Left me
Or
Should I say
Us

We were magic
I remember that
I know that
To be true
I can still feel it
Sometimes
Or
Should I say
A lot of the time

It's a kind of magic
You don't find
Every day
Or
Perhaps
Ever
Again

My Secret Rapping Part I Two in One Bonus Beat Song

My son.  I love him.

Once upon a time

I met a most amazing man.   This man opened a world for me I never even knew existed.  It was a world where I was beautiful, and I could do anything to which I put my mind.  I was inspired to live my life differently, I was inspired to love in a way I never even knew existed.  It was a feeling I didn't understand, and couldn't figure out how to sustain at the time. 

I had to walk away from him, because I love him so much and unfortunately in such a different way than he ended-up loving me.  But what I gained through that relationship was a knowledge of self that I had never before come close to understanding.  And as I get through these days and weeks and months without him I find that love still grows within me and when I listen to it, I hear my heart sing a song of hope and inspiration.

Inspiration, I keep coming back to that word.  It's what I need to live, to create, to understand the creation of life.  Inspiration is not found in the material world, in a society that looks down upon those who have less than they do.  Inspiration is found in the smile of child who onlookers would think has no reason to smile.  Inspiration is found in the heart of a person with nothing to give, who gives anyway.  Inspiration is found in the darkness of a path no one dares to take, save a few adventurers.

I have a beauty and power within me I first glimpsed when I carried and gave birth to my children.  Through my love for this man that beauty and power grew so large and conscious I barely even knew myself, and I admit, I became afraid and I ran back into the place I feel safest.  The land of fear and self-doubt.  That fear pushed him away from me and all that I was afraid of came to pass.  I lost him.

But, amazingly, I didn't lose myself.  For a while, I felt as if I had.  But all the strength and love harnessed in our relationship is burning inside me now, lighting candles of hope and, yes, inspiration.  It is burning so brightly today I want to burst out of myself and my love and light could heat an entire city.  This sounds so hokey and crazy but it's truly how I feel.

I woke-up this morning crying over him.  I do, often enough, even now.  But what I realized, honestly, is that opening myself up to love him the way I did created a space from which I can never retreat, a space where hope and love exist and will continue to inspire me until the day I die.  And realizing this, well, it's made my day into a turning point.  And I write this to remember, if I should turn again, how to find my inspiration.  Just remember who I love.