It's so hard

Life is so hard
Without you

It's so hard
And I thought
It was so much harder
With you
Come to find out
I was only okay
Sometimes
Because I had you
And life
It's just hard anyway

Facing Reality

Facing the reality
Of the mistakes I've made
Is the hardest thing
I've had to do

But I want to do better
So I have to face what I've done
And forgive myself
And others in some cases

But your failure to thrive
Is my failure
To do more than just survive
Which
For a while
Is all I thought I could do

But I can do better
And I will do better
And I'm sorry
I let myself go
For so long

I love you.

Goodbye, my love

My heart
Is sore
And tender

My eyes
Are moist
And red

My mouth
Is quiet
And downturned

My remorse
Is deep
And tangible

All the starts
And stops
To prepare me

The full stop
Hurts more than I anticipated.

For you though,
I am happy to end the struggle.

August Passed

August passed
And I didn't write anything
Well, no blogs.

A lot happened though.

I think I'll just say this, about August...

Today

Today feels uncomfortable
Like when the medicine wears off
After surgery
But the next dose
Is hours away

I am not sure why
I feel this sense of foreboding

My heart cries out
Go home
Curl up
Stay out of life's way

My thoughts feel trapped
On a runaway train
Navigating a maze
At a higher than comfortable speed

I hope your day
Feels better than mine

the moments inbetween

i miss you

in those moments

between “Mommy’s Day”

and the next

“Mommy’s Day”

i hope you remember

i’m your Mommy

every day

i reach for your hand

to cross the street

an automatic gesture

as a mother of three

but my hand is met

with air that’s cold

and my heart

feels a little more empty

sometimes

i cry

into your favorite

stuffed animal

sometimes i cry

over a glass of bourbon

today i cry

into words

i made a place for you

in my own body

grew you proudly

despite the shame

of being an unwed mother

i gave to you

all of the love

in my heart

i watch you grow

and that love multiplies

as you give it back to me

in whispers

and in shouts

and when the mornings

are quiet

and empty

the hours

until i see you

stacked against me

when my mind

reaches for comfort

in some thing you said

or did

recorded

in my facebook memories

i facetime you

just to hear you say,

Mommy,

i miss you, too

Taste

I can taste it
Today
The pain
My heart
Bleeding
And broken

It tastes dry
Yet wet
Salty
But bitter
It tastes clear
And red

It tastes like
My empty bed