Mondays: I will make a concerted effort, including making a budget, to get my finances under control again.
Tuesdays: I will honor one child this night, in rotation, so that acknowledging how special they are to me becomes more a part of our routine.
Wednesdays: I will not work on merely accepting mistakes I have made, I will actively celebrate one mistake I have made in my life and thereby come to realize the joysof my imperfect state of being in an attempt to lessen some of my default fear-based control responses.
Thursdays: I will work to care less about things and focus more on positive actions to reduce the stuff in my life.
Fridays: I will do one thing to honor and connect with my inner child.
Saturdays: I will involve myself/my family in one community/political action.
Sundays: I will reflect upon the week and catch-up on any unfulfilled daily goals and reset myself and my family for the week ahead.
I found that having lofty, generalized goals for myself/my family have not been working optimally. My hope is this will make the work of self-improvement easier to digest and implement.
I have been wanting to write this letter to you from the moment I realized our country was actually going to elect Donald Trump. I found myself trying to wait until I was less emotional, more rational. I see now that day might not come any time soon.
So, I'm not overtly patriotic. I don't fly an American Flag outside our house or have an "I love America" bumper sticker on my hypothetical car or a bald eagle tattooed on my bicep. But I do have a deep love for our country and the people who live in it. ALL OF THEM. I love the people who are like-minded, I love the people who think differently, I love the people whose lives are a mess and struggle, I love the people who are successful and I understand, and want you to understand, that EVERYONE makes mistakes. And love is about forgiveness. Love is about acceptance.
However, forgiveness and acceptance are not a carte blanche. Neither are hate and anger.
When someone loves a person, or a place, and a horrible mistake is made (or what you perceive to be a horrible mistake), it hurts. At its extreme, it causes a broken heart. And so my loves, when we voted Trump into office, my heart broke, and the hearts of a lot of people who also love our country. For me, it's not because I hate Trump. Trump is what he is and he has a place under my umbrella of love for humans, but, again, that doesn't mean he can do or say or act however he wants and I will stand by and watch, continually forgiving and accepting without making a move to effect change. Not when he takes a position of leadership in our government.
Now, a lot of people feel like it's too late, he's elected. We should have done something beforehand, what's the point in rallying or protesting or speaking out now. We're not going to change anything. We should just sit quietly and let him do his thing.
So here's what I believe.
Article [I] (Amendment 1 - Freedom of expression and religion)13
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for aredressof grievances.
Our democratic government is set-up "by the people, for the people". As "the people" we have a responsibility to make our voices heard when we feel our government is moving in a direction that, collectively, we cannot tolerate. Respecting the president-elect and protesting against the abhorrent statements he has made and ideas he is propagating, are two completely different things.
And so I will stand in solidarity with everyone who feels oppressed by Trump's statements and those of his constituents. I will ask you to stand beside me, and speak out against acts of hatred and violence. I will ask that you walk or march beside me in peaceful, respectful protest of the words and ideas that have struck fear into the hearts of so many Americans. But most of all, I will ask you to follow your own hearts, and do whatever you feel is the right thing to do.
If we can help Trump see just how many Americans feel hurt and marginalized by his words and threatened actions, and he cares about doing a good job as President, then he will have to take responsibility for the things he says. And if the only thing we accomplish is that he stops and thinks before he speaks, we have made progress. And the President-elect is not the only one watching. All across America, and the world at large, we need to send the message that millions of us are not okay with his rhetoric. That millions of us care about one another despite any number of factors that make us the amazing and beautiful people that we are. I'm not going to list them for fear of leaving some group out, but you know who they are.
If children can get suspended from your school for repeating the words of the President-elect, it is incumbent upon me to act. Not by spreading more violence, more hate and more intolerance but by working to support and promote a dialogue and atmosphere of mutual respect and understanding among anyone and everyone who is willing to engage in such.
So, my loves, let's talk. Let's talk, and let's remember to love everyone. Let's lend our strength to positive and peaceful civic actions and show the world exactly what this country is made of. Let's be Americans and show our love for America by exercising our Constitutional rights. Whatever we do, let's not choose now to be silent and hope for the best.
My body
Is full
Of the feelings
Elicited
By your words
Did you know
I respond
Autonomically
To the sight
Of your name
(chat window)
To the sound
Of your voice
(even if it's only
in my mind)
To the memory
Of the feeling
Of your breath
On my neck
So many things
Bring me back
To you
And all this time
I've spent
Running away
I've grown tired
So tired
That I just
Want to curl-up
Beside you
Call that place
Home
And stay there
Back in March of 2014 I was part of a women's support group entitled "Single and Searching". The focus of the group was dating, and although I wasn't interested in dating when I went in, I joined because I wanted some clarity on whether I should be dating or not. I suppose it was an attempt to absolve guilt.
Anyway, one of our assignments was to write our vision of a happy relationship. I happened across the journal tonight in which I wrote on it, so I thought it would be fun to share it here. Super shocking, I know, but I wrote it in poem form.
An unquiet mind
Desires to find
The key to unwind
Time
Place
Person(s)
My tears are quiet
And I drink them
The taste of sorrow
And pain
Emancipate my brain
And I reach for you
But only
While you're not looking
Because now
I
Am
Untouchable.
Sometimes
When I try to write
About my love for you
I feel my heart
Wanting to burst
Or perhaps
The feeling is more like
Implosion
You see
Until I held you
Minutes old
The smallest you would ever be
Until you breathed
That same air
As I was breathing
How could I know what life was?
How could I know what life meant?
Some people
Have this amazing gift
This ability to see
To know
To understand
Without needing this little life connection
To change their perspective
And open their mind
I lacked that gift
And so opening to you
Was opening to the world
And opening my heart to love you
Was finally
At long last
Opening my heart
To love myself
Every aspect
Of carrying you
Birthing you
Caring for you
Watching you grow
Has been a lesson
In how to treat myself
And everyone else
More love
More kindness
More compassion
More understanding
You are going to be thirteen soon.
You still smile at me when I walk in the door.
You still reach for my hand when we walk down the street.
You still tell me you love me when we hang up the phone.
You still catalyze positive growth with every milestone.
I can't put into words
What it means to know you
What it means to know
That you're my son
But I will put it into every hug
Every kiss
And every "I love you"
And just hope
That you continue to smile
And reach for me
And say "I love you"
And that I continue to grow
So I've been dating. It wasn't until (well) after my relationship with the baby's father that I even realized I should try doing such a thing. Prior to then I just sort of fell into relationships. Randomly and generally most passionately. I suppose I have gotten older and wiser. Not really knowing how to approach dating, or even whether I was truly ready or if it was something I wanted or needed, I did something which speaks to my relative maturity. I sought help.
That's really all beside the point though. What I really wanted to think about (and I do my best thinking through writing) is a question which one of the guys in the dating world asked me. What am I really passionate about? What am I really passionate about? Being a mom, sure. Natural birth advocacy, yes. But those are both passions borne of something else, someone else. I hesitated to answer so long that I fell asleep before responding. And now, now I am not sure how to respond.
Prior to children, what were my passions? I think maybe I was too lost to have real passions. But is that possible? I suppose it is. If passion is emotion I certainly lacked the emotional depth I have today had a few years ago. There were things I loved to do, sure. Reading, writing, art (drawing, painting), dancing, video games. I was certainly passionate about the guys I was with, at least the serious ones. But none of it feels real, or lasting, looking back. I guess because I let so much go? If I were truly passionate, would I not still be doing all of those things? I mean sure, to some extent I still do all of those things and I even lose myself in them sometimes but does that equal passion? I'm not so sure anymore.
I suppose I have to answer "I don't know." It's a rather lackluster answer when all is said and done but I can't lie. I like a lot of things, even love them, but I think maybe I (once again) lack the emotional depth to exhibit real passion. I'd love to have a thing. The way Sami has dance. The way Ab has video and computer games. The way Nexen has cars.
The fact of the matter is, allowing myself to feel has been so incredibly painful that I retreated to the shallow end. Feeling the depth of the universe of emotion inside me and opening up to it and others and feeling so buoyant and free for a while only to have the water open up and swallow me (because, you know, emotions are water) and dare me to breathe again...it was all I could do to make it back to the shallow end. I feel like I need to dive back in if I want to be serious about living my life fully and I suppose that would open me up to knowing passion again.
The question now is, is this an overnight thing? Can I just jump back into the deep end and trust my ability to swim or do I have to take my time and feel the depth of the water as I make my way slowly back to that place?
All I know right now is this. I am thankful to that man, for asking that question, and reminding me of how I used to be able to feel. The rest, I suppose, is up to Mee.
Is it true
That life
Continuously
Circles
Back to scenarios
And situations
From which
You have yet
To learn
The lesson
Which was meant
For you
To learn?
Honestly
Now
On (yet) another
Sleepless
Night
I think
To myself
My lesson
Is
"Value Thyself"
By not
Valuing myself
I open the door
For others
To use me
To hurt me
To violate me
To disregard me
To disrespect me
So
Is it that
History
Will continue
To repeat itself
Until
I learn
This lesson
Or
Is it
That
The failure
To learn
The lesson
Leaves me open
To history
Repeating
Itself?
Either way
I have
GOT
To (fucking)
END
This circle!
Not the tranquil clouds
Of an otherwise clear blue, summer sky
But the dark and ominous clouds
Of an impending storm
Not just any storm
But the kind of storm
Which wakes the children
And unnerves the pets
Which stops the traffic on the highway
And is the perfect cover
For a terrible murder
Clarity
Is what I seek
But I have forgotten
It seems
How to find it
As part of my ongoing quest for personal growth and enlightenment, I am part of an online community where the moderator posed the question, "Got a WORD for 2016?" Without really thinking on it very deeply, I commented "Release".
So here I am, two weeks into the New Year, and I've got so much NOISE in my brain I can't for the life of me get back to sleep. On a day when I really, really wanted more than three hours. I'm thinking to myself, "This is awful! What can I do to fix this? How can I get to sleep?". And my answer comes to me softly, like a whisper, "release" and then (when I ignore it) loudly, insistent..."RELEASE!".
Oh, okay. So I haven't blogged in quite a while actually. This happens when I allow life to carry me away, which clearly I have done. Blogging is my release. No wonder my brain is so clogged.
It's possible I have been afraid to release all that has been inhabiting my brain as of late. One part fear of being vulnerable, one part fear of opening the floodgates, one part fear of the unknown (there's so much up there I'm not even sure what will come out!) and one part exhaustion (two parts exhaustion?).
I chose "release" for my word for 2016 because I need to let go, of A LOT. But "let go" is two words. I could have gone with "dismiss" I suppose, but that's not exactly the right sentiment. I want to feel, process and then let go. So I think release is a good fit.
There is one thing I wanted to blog about earlier in the week but never found time to do. So I guess I should start there.
Nexen loves to watch "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood". It's actually a really great show for toddlers as it teaches a lot about how to deal with day to day toddler life in a fun and productive way. There's an episode about going to school featuring the song "Grownups Come Back" which made a huge difference our day care drop offs. This particular episode is about "Thank You Day" which, as you could guess, is about gratitude. So there's a song which goes, "Thank you, for everything you do...thank you for (fill in the blank).
At bedtime, Nexen starts singing the Thank You song and inserts things like, "Thank you for playing with me." and "Thank you for making me lunch." But then he says, "Thank you for letting me cry." and "Thank you for letting me say no." and he repeats these two over and over again about 5 times. So I find this interesting on a couple of levels. First, he's noticed there are people who don't like for him to cry, and he clearly doesn't like the way that feels. Or at least, he can appreciate the difference when I allow him to do so. Second, there are people who don't allow him to say no. This one is a little harder for me to figure out but I suppose it is about honoring his voice.
Certainly I don't capitulate each time he says no to something but I also am careful to choose my battles and try to foster a feeling of control over his choices. I know a lot of adults (myself included) who have a lot of difficulty making decisions in their lives. I suspect this can often be traced back to a lack of practice and opportunity to make one's own choices as they are growing-up and/or a general lack of respect for the child's choice when voiced. Or the feeling of their voice/opinion not mattering because it is always overridden anyway.
Anyway that was an interesting happening in the life of child rearing that I'd wanted to memorialize and now I have completed that task. My brain does, in fact, feel slightly less full. Not sure that I could get to sleep yet though...still a lot up there.
So lets go back to what I need to release. A number of things come to mind immediately. Guilt. Expectations. Self-judgment. Self-loathing. Idealized "family". That should be a good start.
1. Guilt
I carry so much guilt I'm not sure how I even walk around half the time. I feel guilty for pretty much everything I do. I feel guilty if I sleep too much. I feel guilty if I don't sleep enough. I feel guilty if I eat too much. I feel guilty if I take up too much space on public transportation or even just on the sidewalk (I'm usually toting at least two bags and two children, commonly a stroller, etc.). Basically, I feel guilty for existing. I feel super guilty if I do anything in my life which is not self-sacrificing. If my action doesn't serve someone else...guilt. If I take time to myself to draw, read, travel, watch TV, even eat sometimes...guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt guilt.
My countermeasure? Building my self worth. Believing I have a right to be happy. Giving myself things and allowing myself things that I would give or allow others, to make them happy. Of note: giving myself and allowing myself these things often makes other happy as well. But I have to remind myself, constantly, it's okay to be happy, it's okay to feel pleasure, it's OKAY to RELAX!
2. Expectations
I have this completely unrealistic expectation that I will operate at a superhuman level at all times. Not requiring sleep, food, comfort or support. I have a correlated expectation that others will see that I am perfectly capable of all things at all times and not offer help, lest I be offended.
My countermeasure? Humble myself. Admit to being human, having limits, getting worn down. Stop fighting against people being nice to me, wanting to help. Of note: this is more difficult than releasing #1.
3. Self-judgment/Self-loathing
I'm going to go ahead and lump these together. I know many people are their own worst critic. But I am pretty ruthless. I guess it's very tied in to the whole guilt thing. But if I lose my cool and raise my voice at the children, I feel something very close to genuine hate for myself. I am never looking good enough, acting nice enough, being smart enough. Every action I judge and then usually hate. Rarely do I give myself kudos for anything.
My countermeasure? Be nice to me. Talk back to myself in a positive way. My impulse is to judge, so let that happen. And then speak rationally, nicely, to myself and change the freaking script. 39 years I have told myself to focus on the negative. When there isn't any? Make something up. So let's just change it up now. Find the positive, even if it is minute. Even if I have to make it up. And use it to change my impulses. Of note: easier said than done.
4. Idealized "Family"
Inevitably people with whom I talk ask me about having more children. And I do have this dream where I meet a nice man, fall in love, and have however many more children time and finances allow and then we stay together to the end of our days. I think I need to release this idea that a scenario like that will perfect my life. I think it's harmful to me and the children and our current family structure to have this idea that makes our life seem flawed. I know it isn't perfect but what is? Throwing another man and more children into the equation? It's just a whole other brand of difficult.
My countermeasure? Enjoy now. Treasure and value my life and the people and things that are in it just the way they are now. Stop judging myself and my family against societal norms and just know that we are a great family. We are whole and we are happy. Just the way we are. Families always grow and change, it's not that I am accepting status quo and not moving from it. It's just that I need to stop making myself and my poor children feel like we are inferior or second class citizens because I am a single mother and they do not all have the same father. We still live as a family, stand as a family and count as a family.
Okay, I think I'm purged for now. This was good. For me anyway. And I will not apologize or feel guilty about it (of course I had to swallow an apology and fight the guilt).
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