Sometimes

Sometimes
I feel overwhelmed
Unmotivated
Lazy (not in a relaxing way)
Angry
Anxious
Hopeless
When I look around my house
At all that I have
And all that I do not have
At all that is there
All that was left

But
Not this morning

This morning
I feel grateful
I have the energy to clean
Wash dishes
Fold (and put away) laundry
Clean-up after the children
Make lunches
Balance my budget
Complete work from home assignments
Clean-up after the pets
And the time to blog
Shower
Drink some tea
Read

Sometimes
It is just a state of mind
But mainly
It's a matter of time
And
Of course
Energy

I am just so thankful
For this morning
When I have all three

Putting into words

the ramblings of my mind
at 2:20 a.m.
is not the easiest task
nor
is it particularly
the smartest

but
of all the stupid things
i've done
in my life
i'd say
this
is pretty low
on the list

so here we are again
blank page
having words

you give me so much
and I always question
what I have
to give back

i do love
a good blank page
it represents
everything wonderful
about life
pure potential
emptiness
completeness

blank pages
call to me
and I love to answer
in long
rambling
reflective (self-absorbed?)
groupings of letters
words
keystrokes
brush strokes
lines
curves
...
did I mention rambling?

i have a sleeping baby
by my side
he was not sleeping
when i was sleepy
now I am awake
and he is precious (aka, asleep)

i wonder
if some part of me
is actually asleep
right
now

i am happy
and in love
with my children
and my life
and my strength
which runs deeper
than I ever
could have imagined

not
to toot my own horn
or anything
but i've come
a really long way
a really
really
really
long way

granted
it's taken
my whole life
but
at least
i'm headed
in the right
direction

i should try and sleep now.
goodnight.

Music Mayhem

In between the moments when time stands still...

Midnight Music

In Love Again

Every day
I fall in love again
I wake-up
And gaze upon
My three little sleeping children
All cuddled in bed together
Oblivious
To the fact
They are outgrowing
Mama's bed
For the comfort it brings
Overshadows
Any discomfort
And me
With my aging bones
Which protest in the morning
I still find
That connection
Through the night
That comfort
And warmth
Is more important
Than some sore muscles

Who can believe in me
When I can't believe in myself?
My children can.

Who can love me
When I can't love myself?
My children can.

Of all the loves
I have lost
In my life
I will do everything
I possibly can
To hold on to theirs

Because every day
I want to wake-up
And find myself
In love again

Dear Samurai,

You're 8!

So, eight years ago, at this moment, I was wondering whether the contractions were going to continue into actual labor or disappear into the light of day as they had been doing all week.  I couldn't have possibly imagined what light I was about to bring into the world.

Your strength, love and beauty have amazed me from the very first moment you emerged.  The ways you have changed my life, my heart and my soul are innumerable.  

This year we welcomed a new baby into our family.  The transition was both the easiest and most difficult thing we have ever done together.  But you are the most amazing big sister I could even imagine.  Watching you play with, care for, and teach your baby brother is one of the greatest joys I have known in my lifetime.  It is such a validation of life and the choices that I have made, confusing as they may be.  

I know you won't understand all of this now, but hopefully someday you will look back on these letters I've submitted to the eternity of cyberspace and hear me speaking from a place you connect with at that time in your life.  Eight more years from now, or eighty, these words will not be less true, my love will not be less real and you, my darling daughter, will not be any less amazing.

I love you and I hope you have a wonderful birthday.

Forever love,

Mama

Happiness

When I was young(er), I used to think happiness was like bubbles.  Pretty to look at, but never meant to last.  Floating around any which way the wind would blow, popping when you tried to catch and hold it.  I would see people who could catch bubbles on their wand and hold them for long periods of time.  I thought this was a neat trick, but exactly that, a trick.

I never understood that happiness had depth, and roots.  I guess because I, myself, lacked depth and roots.  This all changed when I became pregnant with Abacus.  Suddenly I was having the first growth spurt of my life.  Physically, spiritually, emotionally.  My journey toward understanding true happiness began with Abacus.

Happiness became a seed.  Requiring light, love, nourishment...in the right conditions, happiness  continues to multiply.  But when neglected and forgotten, like a seedling, happiness will crumble and decay.  

Sometimes, life can become stressful.  We can forget about our imperative, to feed and maintain our happiness, and then growth becomes stagnant.  Generally, life will cycle naturally, to maintain a certain balance.  We have moments of forgetting, and moments of remembering.  Sometimes, however, life will spiral.  Up, or down, or up and down in quick succession.

In these moments of spiraling upward, we may think ourselves happier than we have ever been.  But euphoria is not happiness.  Happiness requires growth.  In our moments of spiraling downward, we may think happiness has died forever.  It is here in this seemingly dark and lifeless place that we learn what real happiness is. 

Today, I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life.  This is because I have been working harder than I ever have to not only grow, but to maintain happiness.  I am proud of what I have accomplished, and enthusiastic about my future, despite all the storm clouds looming just on the horizon.

I love what I've become.  I hate that so many people got hurt in the process, myself included.  But I can see very clearly where I'm going now.  And it's the most beautiful place I've ever seen.

Oversaturation

Lately I have been hearing/seeing a lot of people complain about being oversaturated with bad news from the media.  With so many new outlets for news media to bombard you with their 160 characters of tragic happenings locally and around the world, and links to the more in-depth stories (complete with graphic photos and heart-wrenching videos), it's a wonder any of us stay sane.  How do we combat all this tragedy in our psyches?  Do we become detached, stop feeling?  Do we decide to hide from it?  Do we just become depressed and cynical?  Doesn't anything good ever happen anymore?  Or, if you are REALLY bombarded with bad news....DOESN'T ANYTHING GOOD EVER HAPPEN ANYMORE??!!??

Well, here are some ideas I have about combating this oversaturation of negativity.

1.  Seek out the bad, instead of letting it follow you around all day.  Filter your news updates or unsubscribe from some feeds that are particularly heavy on the bad news or constant updating.  Set aside time each day (or however often) to catch-up on the news stories instead of sitting at lunch or picking-up your kids and being instantly notified there was just another shooting or fire or bombing or natural disaster.  

2.  Keep perspective.  Remember that something being newsworthy means that it is extraordinary.  We are constantly surrounded by GOODNESS.  That is why bad things are newsworthy.  Families, children, friends, work, community, religion or spirituality if you have it.  It is the good things that occur every day that are commonplace.  People being good and serving their families, communities and countries.  People being kind to one another and helping each other.  It's not newsworthy because it happens all day, every day.  It is when being good becomes extraordinary, and therefore newsworthy, that we have reason to panic.

3.  Remember what comes next.  When bad news is reported in the little info bites and updates, remember that good will follow it.  Remember it audibly if you have children who are also being affected by this news.  "Oh this is terrible, there was a fire and abc was destroyed.  It is so great the fire department responded quickly and were able to put out the fire and save xyz.  It's horrible this happened but remember how the community pulled together and helped _____ when they had a fire?"  Like Mr. Rogers' wise mother said to him, look for the helpers.

4.  Seek out the good, and feel free to let it follow you around all day.  Add a comedian or someone who inspires you to your feeds so you also get some levity and positivity in your social media intake.  Schedule some email reminders to yourself of funny things your children have said, happy thoughts or pictures.  Get with a group of friends and arrange to share a joke or uplifting picture or inspirational quote each day.  If you get a little group of seven friends, you can each take the time to send one text or email on one regular assigned day.

5.  Take action.  This is especially valuable when you have young children.  I live in South Philly.  We hear of new shootings routinely.  When there is a shooting in my neighborhood, I might talk with the children about it.  Then we talk about what we can do.  What we can do to be safe, and what we can do to help.  Even if it's just writing a letter or card.  "We don't know you personally but we are neighbors.  We heard from the news about your son/daughter and wanted to let you know how the story touched us.  We are so sorry for your loss.  We will keep you in our hearts and thoughts as you go through this difficult time."  I don't do it every single time, because I don't want the children to become overwhelmed.  But I want them to begin to have an understanding that tragedies happen in our world, and the best thing we can do to change that is create more goodness.  Of course, more impactful and larger scale things can always be done.  But when you start small, it's amazing how quickly the goodness grows.

In summary, do more things to make you feel good.  If all the bad news is making you feel bad, take a break from it!

Melancholy

I’m not always sure

Where to look

To find myself

Does that mean

After all these years

I’m still lost

Or does it mean

After all these years

I’m still elusive

And

What does it mean

When you elude

Yourself?

Or maybe

The problem is

That I’m disappearing

All these things

I once thought

I might become

One by one

I find

Even

The mere idea

Slipping

A w a y

I miss you

You know

The way you once

Completed me

The happiness

We shared

Perhaps that

Is what I’m looking for

And then again

Perhaps not

Don’t get me wrong

I’m not saying I’m looking

For you

I’m saying

I’m looking

For that feeling

Of belonging

To something

I once believed

Was more special

Than anything else

In the universe

Melancholy

Is an ugly color

And it looks terrible

With my skin tone

I’m going

To go change

Out of it

Now