Dear Nexen,

There is a quiet beauty in your existence, I have come to know this as Truth.  When you smile at me, I see a hundred colors so magnificent, which I have never seen before.  When you laugh, it as if I am being hugged by a rainbow and I find myself standing in a pot of gold.  When you sleep, I feel the peace of a thousand deep breaths, taken all once.  When you talk to me, I listen so intently, because your wisdom shines in your eyes.

Please know that every moment I am thinking of you and what is best for you and your sister and brother.  I am trying to feel my way through the most difficult situation of my life and my heart struggles between the desire to trust and love and the deep, deep burning pain of my last experience with trust and love.  And to make it even more complicated, it is all tied up together in an ugly, ugly package.

I am doing everything I can to make things right in our world.  And by doing that, I am honoring and respecting everyone else's world as well.  I am tired of making messes.  I am tired of not seeing.  I am tired of acting without considering everyone involved.  I am finished with being selfish.

There are people who do not understand what I am doing or why I am doing it.  These people are held captive by their immediate selfish desires and inability to see the big picture.  These people will hold my actions against me possibly for their entire lives.  I cannot be concerned with these things.  I will protect the Truth.  I will not allow the colors in your smile to be dimmed.  I will not allow the world to take away your laughter.  I will not be the cause of your inability to sleep peacefully.  I will not tarnish your innate wisdom with lies.

I will always be true to you and do what I feel is best, in the present, to preserve, protect and provide the greatest future.  I admit to certain weaknesses and I assure you that I work every day to guard against them and be the mother you need to grow into all of the amazing human potential you hold inside.  The amazing human I held inside and now hold, adoringly, in my arms.  I could never do anything to cause you harm and I promise you my decisions are not being made lightly.

The path I am taking is one of love and light.  I am not trespassing in a land of vengeance or tiptoeing around truths.  I am not shirking responsibility and playing games with the flawless and perfect hearts of my children.  I am not thoughtlessly and callously holding you hostage from some bright and beautiful world of love and acceptance.  I am protecting you, myself, Abacus and Samurai from those who have proven themselves untrustworthy.  Every moment, of every day, I pray to be shown the way.  My heart beats in rhythm with yours, to the tune of truth, to the melody of love, to the cadence of compassion.  As long as my heart shall beat, we shall dance together to this beautiful music, it is rapture, and together we live it.

Love,

Mama

Hurt

I remind myself
The pain is temporary
I remind myself
It will get easier with time
I remind myself
Again and again
Just as I try to forget

Maybe not forget
But keep you in your place
Which is in the past
That stronghold of happy memories
Tainted by time
And an alternate reality
Truer than the one that was in my head

I hurt today
Because of him
And him too
And they don't understand
Because they never loved me
The way that I love them

So all of my feelings
Emotions
Are incomprehensible to them
Superfluous, even
It doesn't matter
What I say
They just come around
Whenever they feel
Regardless
Of how it impacts my day

With him
I couldn't let go
It was my own fault
I just kept trying
To make things work
A different way
When there was only one truth
And that is I love him
And would do anything for him
And it's impossible
To be friends with someone
When that
Is how you truly feel

In the end
I was so hurt
I contemplated
My own end
Seriously
It was the only time
I ever went quite so far
With those sorts of thoughts

That hurt
Has faded
But my feelings
Never did
And so
Again
I ask
Please
Just stay away

Then with him
It was just madness
An entire
False reality
Culminating
In a very real
Very tragic
Consequence

Even though
The face of tragedy
Is perfect
And adorable
Its weight
Is nearly impossible
For me to carry
It takes everything
Absolutely every last reserve
To make my life work
Right now

Yet he reads my strength
As some sort of vengeance
And attacks me
With his demands
Instead of listening
And realizing
Everyone could get along
So much easier
If he could put others before him
For once


I remind myself
The pain is temporary
I remind myself
It will get easier with time
I remind myself
Again and again
I pray that I can forg(iv)et

The Puzzle Parable

I started a correspondence writing course in 1996.  I am on Assignment 5.  I would complete an assignment, and then promptly disappear for a few years.  Somehow, the school would find me (even when my family couldn't) and it would always be at a time when I felt I could (and needed to) revisit that part of me that wanted to take and complete the course.

I have always loved puzzles.  Recently Samurai and to a lesser extent Abacus have taken an interest in completing puzzles with me.  They love the 50 piece ones because they are easily solvable within their attention span.  Samurai will stick it out through the 100 piece ones and with 250 pieces she is happy to do the framing (edge pieces) and then wander off during the middle but excitedly come back to help complete the final stages.

When I was young I used to do a lot of 500-1000 piece puzzles.  I would often complete the same puzzles over and over again.  Samurai and I started a 500 piece puzzle but it was too difficult for her and she lost all interest once we completed the framing.  It is, indeed, a difficult puzzle.  I have been sticking with it over the past week or so, finding a few pieces here and there amid the hustle and bustle of my daily life.

This morning I thought Nexen was going to be awake for a while so I got-up to start my day only to find he had fallen back asleep.  So I sat with him as Samurai and Abacus slept upstairs (yesterday morning I was admonished by Abacus, "If you wake me up and I don't get my morning sleep I'm going to be grumpy all day and it's going to be your fault.") and I worked on the puzzle.  I had become frustrated with it over the past few days as it would take such a long time just to find a single piece that fit and I was starting to feel discouraged by it.  But this morning a lot of pieces started to fall into place quickly.  And I began to think...

The children get discouraged by the puzzles with the large piece count because it is very hard to visualize them all fitting together and making the picture on the box.  Even I, knowing it will all fit together in the end, find myself feeling as though it's impossible at times.  As you are piecing things together you may go back to the same piece, over and over, just knowing it will fit right here...somewhere...but there are a few pieces you have to find first in order for it to fit.  Some pieces seem so much like they are a perfect fit but no, they are just the tiniest bit off and no matter how hard you try, you just cannot make it work in that particular place.

This moment of reflection, combined with some sage advice from my dear friend Ibby ("Your brain is only designed to handle two problems at a time.  You are trying to make decisions based on future circumstances which are impossible to even know or understand at this point.  Just ask if you can handle _____ right now.  That's the only problem you need to worry about right now."), made me realize that I know what the picture on the box of my life looks like.  It's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen.  It's full of light and love and all the right people in all the right places.  It is filled with happiness and joy.  

It seems impossible at times that this picture will ever come together, based on the pieces that I thought fit but never did, in the place that I thought.  I would get lost in the darkness of the shadows and forget that so much of the picture is filled with beauty and brightness.  But today I realized that as long as I keep trying, I will complete more and more of that beautiful picture.  I realized that sometimes, it will even be easy.  I realized that it's okay that I can't find a way to fit some of the pieces yet, even though they are very important.  Eventually, I will have completed enough that I will be able to fit those important pieces into the puzzle.  I just need to keep working on it.

I haven't given-up on my little 500 piece puzzle.  And it is, in fact, getting a little easier.  I will not give-up on the puzzle that is my life.  And maybe, this is the beginning of it getting a little easier.  

Oh yes, as for the writing course.  The end result of the course is supposedly a work ready for publication.  When I think of the fact that I am supposed to write a piece for publication, it terrifies me.  I lose sight of the fact I just need to take one step at a time and feel that completing the course is impossible.  Taking still another lesson away from this morning's puzzle work, I'm going to complete Assignment 5.  

Happy Saturday?

One for my Parents

The Beauty of Love

A man sees a woman

A woman, sees a man

They converse, laugh

Become curious

About each other

Could this be

The beauty of love

A man calls a woman

A woman, calls a man

They are nervous, happy

They make a date

Could this be

The beauty of love

A man comes to know a woman

A woman, comes to know a man

They exchange I love you’s

For the first of many, many times

Could this be

The beauty of love

A man wants to marry a woman

A woman, wants to marry a man

They become engaged

And exchange vows

Could this be

The beauty of love

A man and a woman

Want to start a family

They adopt two sisters

And are surprised with a third baby girl

Could this be

The beauty of love

  

A man and a woman

Raise three daughters

Allowing each

To follow their own path

Could this be

The beauty of love

A man and a woman

Look upon each other lovingly

As the years pass

And each new hardship

Makes their love stronger

Could this be

The beauty of love

A man and a woman

Count all the Anniversaries

They celebrated together

And they number forty

But they look into each other’s eyes

And see only that young bride and groom

Could this be

The beauty of love

A man and woman

Look around them

And see their three daughters

And their four grandchildren

And their beloved family members

Gathered together

To celebrate a love everlasting

And everyone present can see

This

Is the beauty of love