Hello February 8, 2010. I am reminded suddenly, of the passage of time. And how I've been spending my days lately...why these are moments upon moments, days upon days I can never get back. Yet even now, as I sit chastizing myself for my lack of strength and determination and inability to move on and enjoy these precious days which are so fleeting, tears fall and my heart is wounded and bleeding and as fervently as I want to change anything and everything to make it different, to at least feel different, there's nothing I can do but wait for the passage of time.
Because everyone has told me to let time pass. I will feel better, just let time pass. But I don't want to let time pass. I'm wasting away...these days, these days are not fulfilling. These days of me running, hiding, dodging yet still succumbing, in the end, to this weight on my shoulders called love which was once so light...but when his love died all the lightness left and it's such a burden to carry now. At the end of the day I lay down, exhausted and out of breath, wondering how much longer this will continue.
Every time I try to drop it, to leave it behind, to even think to give it to someone else...I see his face, I see his smile in my mind's eye and I feel the strength that this love once gave me and I think, let me just carry it a little longer. Let me take it with me a little further. I'm not ready to put it down yet, I just can't bring myself to leave it all behind. And I guess my question is, are these really wasted moments?
Or are these the moments where I prove to myself the strength, sincerity and depth of my love, of my ability to love. I do believe that's what this is. These are the moments that validate every happy time we ever had together, every word of love I ever wrote or spoke. These are the moments that show me how strong I truly am, even though I feel so weak. Surely this could all be easier, all I'd have to do, is have loved him less.